


It's Okay to Say the Word

by hmweasley



Category: Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: M/M, mentions of off-the-page homophobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-19
Updated: 2016-06-05
Packaged: 2018-05-27 14:04:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 25
Words: 55,145
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6287524
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hmweasley/pseuds/hmweasley
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Seth looked back on his earlier years, he would have expected the realization to come sooner than it did. He was more aware of it at a younger age, a realization that he only had once he’d given up on denial. Not because he knew the word “gay” or what it meant when he was a young child. It was just that the part of him was there, and he wasn’t trying to conceal it yet. </p><p>Later on, he began to construct his careful fiction: one that left the guys with the false impression that Seth was some paradigm of chastity. Innocent, but straight.</p><p>That carefully constructed illusion wasn’t prepared for Al phasing. </p><p>(A parallel story to the Piece of Forever series, but reading those is not necessary for reading this one.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So, I have my Leah stories/Forever series, which currently has three stories. I originally only meant to write that series with Leah as the main character. Then, while writing the second story, the possibility of writing a story from that same "universe" where Seth was the main character, but even then, I didn't think I would actually do it. After that, it kept bugging me though, and by the time I was writing the third one, I realized I had to do it. So I've been working on this simultaneously with You and I Could Life Forever.
> 
> You don't have to have read my other Twilight stories to read this one. It will stand alone, but this one takes place at the same time as all three of my Leah stories. The prologue is kind of before those, but chapter one starts in the middle of A Crappy Little Piece of Forever.

Prologue

When Seth looked back on his earlier years, he would have expected the realization to come sooner than it did. Maybe it did, in a way. The knowledge was always there inside of him; he just didn’t dwell on it. It was easier not to dwell on it.

He was more aware of it at a younger age, a realization that he only had once he’d given up on denial. Not because he knew the word “gay” or what it meant when he was a young child. It was just that the part of him was there, and he wasn’t trying to conceal it yet. Hiding it away was never a conscious decision, just something his subconscious had realized was necessary at some point in time. Then that part of him became estranged from the rest of him, something Seth didn’t always remember was there for many years.

That was easy for a while. Surprisingly and—Seth would later think—sadly easy. Seth didn’t do much lying because he had tricked himself into believing his own fiction. If he was lying to anyone, it was himself. Until the later years at least.

Despite not being able to pinpoint the exact moment he had hidden pieces of himself away, Seth remembered all too well when they made themselves known again.

Phasing for the first time was a terrifying experience. It was for every wolf, but Seth didn’t think he was being self-absorbed by considering his case as the worst. His sister turned into a wolf before his eyes; his father had a heart attack; and the next thing Seth knew, he had exploded into a giant wolf. Seth liked to think he could take things in stride, but those first several hours of being a wolf had been the hardest of his life.

All of that would’ve been enough. Seth hadn’t been able to phase back for the longest time due to his grief. That had overridden any fear he might have otherwise felt over learning that the legends were true and he was in the middle of it all.

It was long after his father’s funeral before Seth started realizing the other implications of being a wolf. Denying that you like boys is a hell of a lot easier when you don’t have a group of them in your head every day. Suddenly, Seth could hear other’s thoughts. Other boy’s thoughts. It didn’t help that they were all older than him and more open about having sexual fantasies, not caring who else in the pack saw. Seth saw a lot in a short period of time that left him feeling like shit, not because of what he’d seen but because of what it made him confront.

So, Seth developed a new normal. He had no choice. He still didn’t lie. He couldn’t bring himself to, but if his own thoughts went into dangerous territory or he picked up on someone else’s own dangerous thoughts, Seth became very good at thinking about other, much more innocent things. A tactic that left the other guys with the false impression that Seth was some paradigm of chastity.

That worked for a while. Until it didn’t.

Chapter 1

Seth’s carefully constructed illusion wasn’t prepared for Al phasing. That wasn’t to say it fell apart the day Al first phased. Immediately after, things were the same. Al phased during the hectic time before the Volturi descended on Forks, and there were six other wolves adjusting to their new lives at the same time. To be honest, Seth hadn’t had the time or energy to devote to getting to know each and every one of them right away.

He’d gotten closer to Collin and Brady since they had both phased. The two of them were friends with Ethan, and for that reason alone, Ethan was the first of the new wolves that Seth got to know. Al didn’t catch his attention more than any of the other guys.

These younger wolves were less straining. After the Volturi were gone, Seth liked patrolling with them because it felt like he had to put less effort into his facade. Some of the youngest were still in the very early stages of puberty. They weren’t having as vivid of thoughts as Seth had to avoid with, say, Paul. It was easier.

So when Seth figured out that it was Al he was patrolling with that day, he was thankful for it. He was expecting it to be simple. They’d run the perimeter, maybe have some low stakes chit chat in their minds. Nothing out of the ordinary, and nothing that would damage Seth’s extensive set of mental barriers.

Seth wasn’t sure what set it off. Being a hormonal teenager probably. Avoiding all problematic thoughts hadn’t become easier in the time since Seth had first phased.

This wasn’t the first time he had slipped up. Seth had no way of knowing what the other guys had caught, but he knew he’d let small pieces of thoughts slip here or there. Nothing too damning. This time it was a little worse. For whatever reason, Seth’s mind wandered, and he didn’t realize what he was thinking and who was in his head until it was a split second too late.

It sent Seth into a panic. He didn’t know whether to beg Al not to tell or to act like it didn’t happen. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t clear his mind, and the warring going on inside of it was doing nothing but making what had just happened all the more obvious to Al.

Seth. Seth, it’s okay, Al assured him, sounding concerned.

Seth had stopped running by now and was instead pacing in a small area of the woods. Al was on the other side of the reservation, still running although at a slower pace. The distance should have given Seth space to breathe, but it meant nothing while phased.

I really am sorry, Seth repeated, not for the first time. I didn’t mean for that to slip out. I don’t even know what it means, he lied. It just-I just…”

It’s really okay, Seth.

Seth hadn’t been expecting what came next. Al’s own walls cracked, and for the first time, Seth saw thoughts that more closely resembled his own than any of the other guys’ thoughts.

You’re...

Even in his thoughts, Seth couldn’t say the word to someone else. Only recently had he allowed himself to start thinking it. He had yet to speak the word out loud to himself. It felt like too bold of a declaration. Once that was done, there was no going back.

Al knew what Seth had been about to say though, and Seth felt nervousness and uncertainty from the other boy.

Yes and no. 

That made no sense to Seth, but aside from confusion, he mostly felt fear. He had been so close to finding someone who understood, and now he worried that he had been wrong. Maybe this was a huge joke. He was becoming more paranoid about that possibility the more he slipped up, although he had no reason to suspect anyone of anything.

I’m bi, Al admitted.

The short statement calmed Seth. That was what Al had meant, and that was as good as Al saying he was gay in Seth’s eyes. He didn’t know of another person in La Push who was anything but straight. Openly, at least. Despite the hesitance and worry that Seth would reject him that Al was feeling, this was the greatest thing Seth could have asked for.

Seth didn’t verbalize any of his thoughts, but his joy was getting transferred to Al’s mind nonetheless. Al’s own thoughts calmed and began to take on a happier tone as both boys basked in the glory of having found someone who understood what they were going through.

Seth began running again. If he were human, it was possible that he would have been skipping. Everything in the woods felt more beautiful than before. There was a smell in the air that brought back happy memories. Seth swore it hadn’t been there earlier in the day.

You don’t know how many times I almost screwed up, Seth rambled as he ran. Now that he knew he could say all the things he thought, they were gushing out. He hadn’t realized how heavy the weight on his chest was until he had gained some relief. Now he had to get it all out before he collapsed under the pressure.

Me too. Al’s voice was full of frustration. I try to keep up with their thoughts about girls, but it’s so hard to not slip in something about boys, you know? Seth didn’t know that exact situation as he’d never even bothered feigning interest in girls. It was much easier letting the boys think he was too innocent for it. But he agreed with Al anyway.

We should share tricks, Seth said. Ways we push things away and keep our thoughts safe and stuff.

You’re better at it than me. I never suspected, dude.

Al said it as if it were impressive, but Seth found it sadder than anything else. He should have been happy that he was achieving what he wanted, but he could never shake the hope that someone would figure it out and force him to confront reality, not unlike what Al was doing. That would never happen if he was effective at locking himself away.

But you can just focus on liking girls, right? Seth pushed, not sure what he should and shouldn’t say. What would be considered rude? You’re not lying, and none of them suspect anything else.

Al scoffed. I guess. Kinda. It still feels like lying. Sometimes I pretend to find girls attractive when I don’t just so they won’t get suspicious. It’s stupid since I really am attracted to some girls. Why do I act like I like ones I don’t? I know it’s stupid. But I panic sometimes, and I get worried they’ll figure it out, so I do it anyway.

He was rambling even within his thoughts as his nerves took over. It made Seth all the more appreciative. He wasn’t the only one who had these types of worries. Al did too.

I feel like that all the time, Seth assured Al. Sometimes I think that saying the most unrelated things will make them figure it out. I know it’s stupid, even in the moment, but my brain goes into overdrive. All it’s thinking about is, ‘What happens if they do find out? Better safe than sorry.’ Then I’m worrying so much that it becomes obvious that something’s off. His thoughts trailed off for a moment as he imagined all the past examples of just that and shared them with Al. It sucks, Seth concluded.

They’d finished their patrol, and both Seth and Al were hovering in the woods outside of their houses, not ready to phase back yet. They would have to soon. Someone else would phase, and they couldn’t be doing this when another wolf appeared in their minds. There wouldn’t be enough warning to clean up their thoughts. This was risky. Seth had forgotten that in his excitement, but now it came rushing back, including the sinking feeling in his stomach that always came when he started to worry. He felt it in Al too, and their respective worries only amplified each other’s, ruining the camaraderie they’d created before.

Can we talk after school tomorrow? Al asked, sounding nervous all over again.

Of course. Seth was unlikely to have denied the request from any of his pack brothers, but after today, it would have been impossible for him to turn down Al.

Seth felt some of the anxiety leave Al’s thoughts.

Thanks, Seth. This might be the one thing that keeps me sane. I might have cracked without this.

Seth didn’t respond. He couldn’t respond. He understood the sentiment, felt it deeply himself. That was why it was impossible for him to work up a response before Al severed the connection by phasing back. He had felt Seth’s response better than Seth could have ever put it into words. That was what was important.

It was easier to get out of bed the next morning than it usually was. Seth took pride in having the best hearing of all the wolves, so he always stayed tuned in to the noises around him. Still, the singing of the birds outside sounded more cheerful than normal, Seth was sure of it. That wasn’t in his head.

Even going to school didn’t bring him down. Seth didn’t hate school the way most people did. Waking up in the morning was sometimes difficult, and it wasn’t like he enjoyed the work he was made to do. But he had to go to school, and he accepted that. There was no use hating it. Seth had bigger worries than complaining.

Today, however, there wasn’t so much as a hint of annoyance about waking up or going to school or even having to sit through the boring lecture on the Civil War in history class. All of it was colored by a new sheen of happiness. Suddenly, even the Battle of the Bulge held his interest. Seth smiled right through Mrs. Johnson telling them the number of casualties in the battle.

Seth might have imagined it, but as she passed out papers, he swore she gave him a slight grin like she had an idea of what was up with him. After that, he tried to keep a straight face for the rest of class.

The wolves were guaranteed to see each other throughout a typical school day. La Push Tribal School was too small to avoid anyone even when you wanted to, so when Seth was eager to see Al again, he was going to. It only took until after first period.

He caught sight of Al before Al did him. The younger boy was with Nick, the only other wolf in his grade. They’d been friends before they each phased, Seth thought, but he hadn’t paid close enough attention to know how good of friends they had been. These days, they were with each other all the time despite being divided between packs. Seth still didn’t know Nick as well has he did the younger wolves within his own pack.

Opening up his locker, Seth couldn’t help but glance back in their direction as he dropped his books inside, letting them clatter against the metal sides of the locker. His actions hadn’t made much noise compared to the commotion happening throughout the hall, but it seemed to have caught Al’s attention as he glanced over at Seth right as Seth glanced at him. They made eye contact for a brief moment before Seth turned back towards his locker, fumbling with his books as he tried to find the one he needed. He found it towards the bottom where it had gotten buried since yesterday.

By the time he’d slipped it into his bag, closed the locker, and turned around, Al was gone along with Nick. About half the students who had been fighting their way through the halls were gone. Seth hurried along to class, hoping that it wouldn’t be the last time he managed to see Al that day.

He knew, of course, why Al hadn’t come up to him. It was the same reason why Seth hadn’t gone to him. Becoming a pack meant becoming a mismatched family. They spent a lot of time together, including school, but since the packs had doubled in size, things weren’t like they’d been when Seth first phased.

Even then, Seth had been the youngest and felt like he was on the fringes of everything that happened, not quite fitting in. He had tagged along whether the others wanted him there or not, and they’d accepted it because he was one of their own. When the others had phased, all younger than him, there had been too many of them for everyone to spend much time together.

Because of this, the youngest of the wolves were more estranged from the older guys than Seth had ever been. Seth felt like he was in some strange in between place within the packs. He was younger than Collin and Brady, who had phased before the others, but Ethan was their age and an old friend, so they fit in nicely with the younger wolves. Seth was older than all of them but younger than the rest.

He supposed that was true of everyone in a sense. Sam himself was four years older than Jared, Paul, Jake, and all of them. That age difference was felt heavily in the past, but Sam always did cherish his position as a leader. For Seth, it was different. He didn’t fit in among any of them. His sister was the same way. Not because of age—she fit in better than Seth did in that way—but being the only girl left her feeling as estranged from the guys as Seth did. He knew that, and it was the one thing that made him feel better about it.

But it didn’t help the biggest problem of the age issue: Seth didn’t have pack brothers to hang out with like everyone else did. Everyone liked him well enough, and if he tagged along, they didn’t complain much. But he was still doing just that: tagging along. He never felt like he was effortlessly a part of the group. Maybe that was what had made it easy to follow Jake to the Cullens.

There was a difference between having pack brothers and having friends within the pack. Leah was his sister, but they weren’t friends. They didn’t hang out. It was the same with the guys.

Seth ate lunch with the other wolves each day. He devoted most of his teenage social life to the pack. He didn’t have much of an opportunity to maintain other friendships. If he had, the secrets would have been too much. He had enough of those as it was. That wasn’t a problem for the others because their friends were all each other.

All things considered, Seth was a happy person, but with hiding his sexuality and other typical teenage angst, he did sometimes feel down about not having close friends either inside or outside of the pack. Now he felt it more strongly with Al seeming so close yet so far away.

Everyone from kindergarten through twelfth grade shared the same cafeteria in La Push, but the school was divided up into four lunch periods that corresponded with grade. Seth was the oldest of the wolves in their lunch group. For a while, he had pouted about it, feeling like he fit in more with the older guys. He had, after all, phased closer to them, and at first, he had remained the lone wolf in his particular lunch period, not able to experience the camaraderie the other guys experienced each day.

Now he sat with the wolves younger than him. One time, Quil had joked about Seth being his own ringleader because of his position as the oldest at their lunch table, but Seth couldn’t rally the others around him like a real leader would have. He didn’t boss them around or offer them advice that came from his extra years on earth. At first, he had even ignored the youngest ones, still bitter about being stuck with them instead of the older—and therefore cooler in his mind—wolves.

These days, he had moved on from that, accepting that this was reality. Next year he’d be with the others anyway. Before today, that had excited him. Now he realized that meant he wouldn’t have lunch with Al.

Al, who despite sitting at the same table as Seth every day, didn’t talk to Seth much. It was the first time Seth had bothered to pay attention to that.

They wound up sitting across from each other that day. That wasn’t abnormal. Seth had sat beside all the guys at some point or another, although he usually made an effort to sit beside Collin, Brady, or Ethan. They were closest to him in age and had phased before the others, allowing Seth more time to get to know them before the massive spawning of wolves. At times, though, Seth got bitter, feeling every bit a fourth wheel as the three lifelong best friends threw out inside jokes Seth wasn’t in on.

On those days, he put more effort into getting to know the others. He’d talked to Al plenty. It wasn’t that they didn’t know each other. It was just that now Seth realized they only knew each other in shallow way. He didn’t know how that was possible when they sometimes shared their thoughts, but it was reality. He knew Al, but he didn’t really know Al. That was true of everyone at the table when he stopped to think of it.

Seth had cherished being a wolf from the beginning because it had felt like getting a whole group of brothers, so this realization was shocking in the worst possible way.

Right now, though, Seth’s goal wasn’t to get close with the others; it was to become close with Al. Suddenly, Seth wanted to know everything about the other boy. He’d never known anyone else who felt like he felt. Not outside TV or the anonymity of the Internet. It was new and thrilling and a little scary.

Even scarier was the thought of the others realizing that Seth had a new interest in Al. He couldn’t have them wondering why and figuring it out. So he tried not to show his interest in Al at the beginning of their lunch period. Instead, he ate quietly, not uncommon whenever he was feeling left out of the conversations at the table. Today, that didn’t bother him as he listened in to Al and Nick as they spoke. He’d never been so desperate to eavesdrop on a conversation that could have been pointless.

“I have to write the entire paper tonight. Is that not stupid?” Nick asked Al. “I can’t believe she’d assign us so much and make it due so soon.”

“Haven’t you had an entire three weeks to do it?” Al asked.

Nick scoffed in response. “Like I’ve had time for that between patrol and everything else.”

Seth doubted it was patrol that had prevented Nick from writing his paper. The amount of patrolling they did tended to decrease the younger they were. The older guys took the brunt of the work with Sam and Leah, the only two not in school, doing far more than the rest of them. It had been different in the lead up to the Volturi coming, but these days, being a wolf wasn’t as much of a time suck as it had been back when Seth had first phased.

Nick hadn’t even been there for the battle with the newborns like Seth had. Maybe that was why it irked Seth to hear him using patrolling as his excuse to complain.

“Whatever, dude,” Al said. Seth already knew them each well enough to know that Nick was a complainer, and Al had a tendency to not take anything Nick said seriously.

Seth had been watching Al for a second too long when Al’s eyes glanced towards him too. They held each other’s gaze for a moment before they both looked down at their trays. No one else had seen the look. Seth knew they hadn’t, but his heart still raced.

It was stupid. Like one glance put a neon sign over Seth’s head declaring his gayness.

He was tempted to glance up and make sure the sign wasn’t there, but he kept his eyes on his tray as he scooped up a bite of mashed potatoes that they’d been given without any gravy.

Beside him, Collin was going on about some hot girl in his English class, taking great pains to describe to Brady and Ethan everything about her appearance that made her attractive. Seth focused on his food, so he wouldn’t be drawn into the conversation. Navigating talk about girls was like navigating across a field littered with landmines.

Nick didn’t stop his complaining for the rest of lunch. He went on about homework and teachers, but he was also angry at his parents. Despite how annoying it felt by the end of the period, Al listened the entire time while casting Seth occasional glances.


	2. Chapter 2

Seth walked home from school that day. Typically, he phased and ran through the woods, but all the guys did that. It was the fastest way to escape from school, but the downside was hearing most of the pack in his head until he got home. Seth didn’t want to deal with the exhaustion that came along with keeping his mind on safe topics. He wasn’t sure he could have pulled it off today.

Al was still on his mind, which meant Seth was aware of when the other boy began walking up behind him.

“Hey,” he greeted nervously as Al caught up to him. Al echoed the sentiment with a smile.

Seth’s stomach felt like it was tumbling around in his stomach, kind of like he was nervous but also different than the usual nervous feeling. He wasn’t sure what to make of it or what it meant. Dealing with this had Seth flying blind. He didn’t know how to act or what to say or what he was feeling.

None of the other guys were around. They’d run off so quickly that they were too far away to notice Seth and Al walking together. Not that them walking together should have raised any red flags. It should have been normal, but the butterflies in Seth’s stomach weren’t the result of something ‘normal’.

“Long day?” Al asked. He was feigning nonchalance, but Seth could detect the slight quiver in his voice. That calmed Seth’s own nerves, but it also made him wonder. Was Al nervous because he was talking, for the first time, to someone else who wasn’t straight or was it something else about Seth that caused it? Seth might never know, and that bothered him.

“It was good.” A slight lie since Seth had spent the majority of the day feeling frustrated that he couldn’t walk up to Al and start talking to him, but he couldn’t explain that. So Seth was’“goo’” the same way the girls that the guys sometimes asked him about were ‘pretty’. It wasn’t so much a lie as it was failing to tack on a ‘but…’

The girls were pretty, but Seth wasn’t attracted to them. Seth’s day had been good for the most part, but he wished he’d had a conversation with Al before now.

If Al thought there was anything suspicious about Seth’s answer, he didn’t show it. He nodded along, and said, “That’s good. Mine was alright, I guess.”

Seth felt a twinge of sadness that was unexpected. ‘Alright’ would indicate a day not on par with Seth’s ‘good’ one, yet Seth felt upset that Al might not have been as bothered about not speaking to Seth all day. It was ridiculous. Seth knew it was ridiculous. He also couldn’t shake the feeling that maybe he was more eager to get to know Al than Al was to get to know him.

But that couldn’t be correct, could it? Al, after all, had been the one to approach Seth while he was walking home. It hadn’t been Seth who initiated this conversation, so Al had to have some desire to talk to him. There was no denying that much. Seth didn’t hate himself enough to think Al was doing this out of pity.

The way Al kept tapping his fingers against his thigh as he walked looked like a nervous habit. Al was nervous to talk to him. That had to mean he felt the same way Seth did.

They’d descended into an awkward silence, neither one sure what to say next. Seth finally managed to ask, “When’s your next patrol?”

Perhaps it wasn’t the most subtle way to probe and try to discover if they patrolled together soon, but Seth was proud he’d thought of something halfway intelligent to say.

“In a couple days. I’m patrolling with Embry after school on Thursday.”

Seth had to patrol on Thursday too, but it sounded like it was later in the day than the patrol Al had been assigned. It was close, but it didn’t do either of them any good.

“Embry’s cool to patrol with,” Seth said for a lack of anything else to say. He couldn’t go with, “That really sucks. Why couldn’t Sam and Jake have put you with me instead? Do you think we could ask them to always put us together from now on?”

Al agreed with Seth easily, but this time there was a small grin on his face, like he could read what was going on inside of Seth’s head. Seth focused on the point in the distance where the road disappeared, willing his face to not give too much away. It never wanted to listen, but Seth had become better about keeping his face neutral since he started worrying about his secret being discovered.

Their conversation that day didn’t pick up speed. Both boys struggled to come up with what they thought of as safe topics. Day after day, Al kept catching up with Seth after school to walk home with him. At first, Seth didn’t allow himself to wait, too worried that it would be the day Al went back to his routine, but soon, their walk was their routine. Seth began waiting each day around the bend in the road not far from the school building, hoping he wouldn’t attract anyone’s attention before Al showed up. Gossip spread easily in a place like La Push.

As the next couple of months passed, talking became easier. Before long, Seth was more open with Al than he was with anyone else. Al knew things that Seth had never dared share with anyone before, and that forged a closeness that was difficult to break. Seth no longer doubted that Al enjoyed spending time with him as much as he enjoyed spending time with Al.

They had become best friends, but they had become best friends who concealed their friendship from everyone else.

That was strange when Seth stopped to think about it. It was almost like they were lying to everyone, and that felt wrong. Sometimes Seth wondered how he could be best friends with someone if the friendship was largely a secret. One might have thought they were secretly dating for all the pains they went through to act the same as before when anyone else was around.

Seth navigated his way through situations where he had to try to remember how much he would have talked to Al before, what he would have said to Al before, how often he would have glanced at Al before. And he could never remember anymore.

But for all the secrecy and fears of being outed if they were discovered, nothing beyond friendship had happened. It had taken Seth a while to admit that what he felt in his stomach when Al was around was butterflies. It took even longer for the idea of it being a crush to first occur to him, and he dismissed it. It wouldn’t do to go down that path and ruin the first friendship he’d managed to forge with someone who understood him.

Seth didn’t know what one did with a crush anyway. He’d never had one, not really. He thought about guys being attractive, and he’d had some daydreams about celebrities or figments in his head that went further than that. But he’d never crushed on anyone in real life. Even in his dreams, he had always been aware that the guys he knew in real life were straight and off limits. He didn’t allow himself to go down that path.

When Seth learned for the first time that one of them wasn’t straight, perhaps it was inevitable that he would come close to falling for him.

Seth didn’t like it. He didn’t like the idea of falling for the first guy he talked to who also liked guys. It wasn’t just a cliche; it was doomed. Nothing good could come from it. Their friendship was more important, so Seth focused on that and began to shove the other, more dangerous, thoughts from his mind.

After that, he kept secrets from Al just like he did everyone else, even if they were fewer in number and different in nature. He was beginning to think there would never be a person in his life who he wasn’t lying to. The thought was one better ignored than dwelled upon, so Seth focused instead on the things he could tell Al that he couldn’t tell anyone else.

Eventually, it was like even he forgot about his feelings for Al except late at night when he couldn’t help but dwell on it and then shove it away again before morning.

“Nick asked a girl out,” Al mused as they walked along one day. “That one he was going on about from his English class. Her name is Paige.”

Seth knew of her the same way he knew of everyone in their school. He knew she was one of the people he was supposed to find pretty, but he’d also heard boys taunting her for being a prude, which apparently made her less desirable to many of them. When she was mentioned, it was typically in the midst of one of those types of conversations Seth was always trying to avoid.

“How’d it go?” Seth asked. “She say yes?”

“Amazingly, she did.”

Seth figured the amazement came from what even Seth knew: Paige had never had a boyfriend despite having been asked out several times. Nick was the first she’d said yes to, which was going to lead to Nick getting shit from other guys at school. His saving grace would be the extra size and strength afforded to him as a wolf.

“Should be interesting,” Seth replied, although he didn’t care much. Nick was Al’s best friend, so Seth figured he should at least pretend to. Despite Al taking over the best friend role in Seth’s own mind, Seth knew that he could never uproot Nick where Al was concerned. In his darker moments, he would admit that it made him jealous. At times, he had to be careful to not come across as cold to a clueless Nick.

Al shrugged off Seth’s comment, not looking very interested in the topic either. Seth tried to pretend that what he felt at that wasn’t some strange sort of pride mixed with relief.

“Mostly just annoying,” Al admitted. “Last time he had a girlfriend, he talked me into asking a girl out too. I dated her for a while, and it was okay. But I don’t want him to make me do it again. There’s no girl I want to date right now.”

Seth’s heart hammered at the inclusion of ‘girl’ in the last sentence. He stuck his hand in his pocket to disguise the way it had twitched.

He knew of the ex-girlfriend Al was talking about because it had happened soon after both Nick and Al phased for the first time. The relationship that Al claimed to have lasted ‘a while’ had only lasted as long as the middle school interpretation of that term. To Seth, it had felt like a blink of an eye before both Al and Nick were single again. As far as Seth knew, Al hadn’t dated anyone since then.

“Well, good for Nick,” Seth said. It was an empty sentiment. He didn’t care who Al dated, knowing it would be over soon enough.

Al hummed in agreement.

“When did you realize you were gay?”

Al’s question startled Seth. He hadn’t been expecting them to broach these topics with each other when it still felt like their friendship was at its beginning stages. Talking about his sexuality still made Seth feel nervous. He couldn’t shake off the feeling that it should be a secret, but the only way he would get over that was by talking about it.

“Around twelve, I think. Kind of. It was like I knew, but I didn’t?” He looked at Al as if he expected the other boy to validate what he had felt all those years ago. Or maybe he was only hoping that Al wouldn’t be looking at him like he was crazy. He wasn’t. “Like, I knew I liked boys and didn’t like girls back then. Pretending otherwise was impossible. But I didn’t label myself as gay because being gay was scary. I knew what being gay would mean, so even inside my own head I kind of shunned the word, and it was like I knew and didn’t at the same time. It’s so weird. I know it is. It makes me sound really stupid. Like I obviously I should have known I was gay.”

Al shook his head, brow furrowed. “You don’t sound stupid, and it isn’t weird. You can’t be the only one with an experience like that. I get it. It’s scary to acknowledge it, even to yourself. I cried when I first realized I like guys like I like girls. I immediately knew I was bi once I realized I liked guys though.”

Of course he did, Seth thought. Al would be the more normal one of the two of them.

“Stop it.” Seth was startled by the sudden command Al shot at him. “Quit looking upset with yourself. It doesn’t matter if I was labelling myself before you. That’s not the point. Labels aren’t the point. Figuring shit out isn’t the point. Hell, neither one of us has it figured out, have we? It’s fine though. We’re fine. Don’t start thinking otherwise, Seth.”

That was impossible when he’d already been thinking otherwise for years. He nodded, trying to take Al’s words to heart. He found Al’s, at least outward, confidence both endearing and a source of envy. Seth wanted to be as comfortable with himself as Al appeared to be. At the same time, Seth knew some of it had to be for show. Al wasn’t out after all. To some extent, he was scared, and in some strange, messed up way that made Seth happy because it meant he wasn’t alone. He hated himself for that.

They had reached Al’s house. It sat back from the road, nestled into the woods. Al’s parents couldn’t have known they were choosing a house that would be convenient for their son years later when he began turning into a wolf.

They still didn’t know. Al’s parents weren’t in a minority. In the early days of the pack, most of the wolves had at least one parent who already knew about the wolves. Embry had been alone in not having a parent who was aware of what was happening to him. Then, as more wolves with looser ties to the old pack phased, fewer of them had parents who were aware of the truth behind the legends. The younger wolves who were more likely to have clueless parents were also the ones with the most limitations placed on them due to their age. They had earlier curfews, and Seth knew that Robbie still got a babysitter, much to his chagrin.

Letting the parents in on the secret became a priority after the huge affair with the Volturi, although it was treated carefully. Each set of parents was considered on a case-by-case basis. Al’s parents hadn’t been told. He’d asked for them not to be, and he had insisted that they wouldn’t stop him from completing his pack duties. So far they hadn’t.

The couple was trusting, letting Al go wherever he wanted with only the vaguest of explanations.

Seth watched Al disappear into the small but well-kept house. Al’s mom prided herself on it. That was the defining characteristic of Seth’s image of her. The small garden in the backyard was beginning to bloom. When they’d first started this routine, it had been nothing but a patch of dirt.

Once Al had disappeared, Seth continued down the street, trying not to focus on the sounds of Al moving around inside. He wasn’t supposed to care enough about what Al did to spy.


	3. Chapter 3

An animal moved through the forest. It had hooves. Seth could tell from the sound they made whenever they touched the forest floor. A deer. He’d been honing his sense of hearing since he first phased, enjoying the feeling of achievement he got when he connected another sound to its source. The sounds were his favorite part of nature.

The sounds were why he came out here so often. It was calming, and the noises of life going on around him helped Seth disconnect from his own. None of the animals in the woods cared what he did as long as he didn’t eat them. They weren’t people Seth had to keep secrets from.

This particular area of the forest was close enough to the center of the reservation that no one patrolled here. The wolves operated on the idea that, by the time a vampire could reach this point—Well, they wouldn’t reach this point. They would have been caught farther out.

Growing up in La Push, Seth had spent a lot of time in these woods, but his knowledge of them then was nothing in comparison to his knowledge now. He had explored every inch of the reservation. There were no limits to where he could go. It was, perhaps, more freedom than any teenager should have been given, but his mom didn’t try to stop him from coming out here. She knew that little in the woods could harm a wolf. Invincibility also shouldn’t have been given to teenagers. They already thought they had enough of it.

Two birds chirped back and forth to each other. Seth tuned in to them, wondering what they were saying to each other. If it was a bird he turned into instead of a wolf, maybe he would have been able to understand.

There was a new rustling within the forest, interrupting the birds’ singing. Seth’s body stiffened as he tried to ascertain what he was hearing. It was footsteps. Human ones. His eyes zeroed in on the direction of the noise, heart pounding. He knew whoever was coming couldn’t hurt him, but he hadn’t expected his solitude to be invaded. It sent a rush of adrenaline through his veins.

Al came into view, and Seth couldn’t help but let out a noise of surprise. He wasn’t sure how he had been found. The only explanation was that Al had tracked him. It would have taken a complete fluke for Al to stumble upon him on accident, but he didn’t know why Al would have searched for him. They still didn’t talk much except on their walks home from school. Even when they patrolled together, they kept their conversations cautious in case any of the other guys phased and overheard.

Of course, because of summer break, their walks home hadn’t happened for more than a month, which meant little talking other than their rare patrols together. Seth almost felt like Sam and Jake were purposefully not putting them together, but he kept reminding himself that that couldn’t be the case. It was in his head, an illusion created from his wishes to speak to Al again.

Now Al was in front of him, no one else in sight, and Seth couldn’t remember what it was he had wanted to say.

“Hi,” Al said with a trembling voice. He sat down beside Seth, not asking whether it was okay for him to invade Seth’s privacy. But Seth didn’t mind.

“Hey,” he returned with a smile. His heartbeat sped up as he felt the heat from Al’s body hit his own. It was oddly exciting considering the heat that already pressed in from all around them due to the late June sun. “Having a nice summer?”

Al shrugged, causing his arm to brush against Seth’s own. Goosebumps erupted down Seth’s arm, and he hoped that Al wouldn’t notice.

“It’s been fine,” Al said. “Bit boring. Not much happening except patrolling and having to listen to Nick go on about his girlfriend when all I want him to do is shut up and lose to me at video games.”

Seth laughed, causing Al to smile at him. The way Al looked at him was pleased, like he was proud of himself for causing such a reaction in Seth. Seth’s stomach fluttered, and he tried to quell the laughter and think of something that didn’t make him feel so much fondness. Something that wouldn’t get him into trouble.

“I’ve missed talking to you,” Al admitted, forcing Seth to throw his attempts out the window.

“Me too.” His voice trembled with nerves. This was close to admitting things he didn’t want to admit. “You’re the only person I can talk to.”

Al nodded. “I know what you mean. It’s never the same with anyone else.”

There were a number of ways Seth could interpret that, and some of them were more innocent than others. He wasn’t sure what to do with it. Anything more than “you’re the only other non-straight person I know” was probably Seth being too optimistic and reading into things. It had to be the most logical option.

But Seth agreed, “It’s not,” and he didn’t just mean that he could talk to someone who understood his experiences. There was more to it with Al. There had been for a while, and it was becoming harder for Seth to pretend that there wasn’t.

It was ridiculous to feel so much for a person when few of the other people in your life knew how close the two of you were.

“Plus, Nick is stupid,” Al complained, leaning back against a tree trunk and tilting his head back to rest against the bark. His neck was arched, exposing the skin there, and Al let his eyes flutter closed. Seth looked away, willing his thoughts to go anywhere other than where they wanted to go.

He hummed in agreement, knowing he would be unable to get any words out without his voice trembling.

He wanted to come up with something brilliant, a topic of conversation that would impress Al. Seth always wanted to do that, but he never felt that he did. He hadn’t realized how pathetic his life was until he was trying to impress Al and have interesting stories to share each time they talked. Seth usually prepared, but this time he’d been caught by surprise. He had nothing except a lazy summer consisting of little more than patrolling. Nothing that he could work into an entertaining anecdote.

Instead, they sat in silence. Al’s eyes remained closed. Seth would have thought he had fallen asleep if it weren’t for the unevenness of his breathing. Seth snuck glances over at the boy, but his eyes flittered away each time, worried he would get caught. Al’s eyes were closed, but he was a wolf. There was no way he was clueless whenever Seth’s eyes fell on him. It made Seth self-conscious and frustrated. Every part of him was yearning to stare.

Really, every part of him was yearning for a lot more than staring, but that all came after the wanting to look at Al. He couldn’t let himself focus on that. It would make things complicated and difficult.

Al was his friend, and that was all Al could be.


	4. Chapter 4

The seasons passed, and nothing changed when it came to Seth and Al except that Seth’s feelings got stronger. He still tried, as best he could, to not think about them. Some part of him hoped that if he avoided it, eventually it wouldn’t matter as much anymore. He tried to crush on other guys, unattainable ones that he saw on TV. Those crushes would be safer. He wouldn’t have to deal with them.

But none of them were Al.

Al was in La Push, and Seth could be near him and talk to him. No one on TV could beat that, so the whole thing was useless from the beginning. Seth had realized that before summer was even over.

It didn’t matter because, by the time school started, Seth had a bigger crisis. One he honestly hadn’t been expecting.

It happened during one of the last days of summer vacation. Seth was trying to take advantage of what time he had left by doing as little as possible. He had to get all the resting in while he could. On this particular day, he had settled himself in front of the television and not moved since he’d woken up that morning.

Leah was gone. They were a lot alike in how they spent their time these days. They both liked to escape into the outdoors, but while Seth favored heading deep into the woods, he knew his sister often went to the cliffs because she found it peaceful. She liked seeing the ocean while still being removed from it. Seth liked the life he could see around him within the woods.

Today, though, he wasn’t in the woods because Al had taken to showing up every time Seth stayed outdoors. That was a good thing, something that Seth enjoyed. It just wasn’t something he felt up to today. Sometimes he needed a break from Al. It was ironic when Al was so good at providing Seth with breaks from everyone else.

So instead of what had become his usual routine over the summer, Seth was watching a Friends marathon. Not a bad way to spend a day.

Sue came home early in the day, having worked a morning shift, and she sat down to watch a few episodes with him. Seth enjoyed moments like these. He loved getting to spend time with his mom, but admittedly, it was nice doing something together where they didn’t have to talk much. Where Seth didn’t feel like he was lying to her.

They were on the episode with Monica and Chandler’s wedding before either of them spoke. Seth blinked away a few tears, feeling happy for the characters on the screen.

His mother’s face was composed. Seth had never seen her cry over something on TV. The only time he could remember seeing her upset had been right after his dad’s death, and even then, she’d worn a mask by the time they had held the funeral. When he was younger, he’d thought it was because nothing affected her, but now he realized that this was how she dealt with emotions. Leah was the same about not crying in front of others, although she was far more prone to outbursts of anger than Seth knew Sue to be.

Despite her lack of tears, Seth glanced at his mother and saw that she was watching the scene unfold with intensity. While Seth had seen this episode several times, he didn’t think his mom had. She didn’t watch television, and if she’d seen Friends, it was unlikely to have been this episode.

“Have I ever told you about when your dad and I got married?”

Seth’s attention was pulled away from the television screen. He observed his mom closely, looking for some sign of sadness. They never talked about his dad, not in depth. It had taken months for anyone to mention him in passing, and no one had done more than that in the long time since. It still felt painful at times. You didn’t know what you could say or not say. Even if Seth felt okay, he couldn’t be sure Leah or their mom did. It was safer to avoid it, and if someone was going to mention him, Seth hadn’t thought it would be Sue.

“I don’t think so,” Seth admitted, feeling guilty that he hadn’t asked for more information on it before. Was he supposed to have felt curious about his parents’ wedding? He knew next to nothing about their lives before he was born, and realizing that caused him to scold himself. Shouldn’t he have at least a vague idea of how his parents had met, how they’d started dating? He’d always assumed it was an uneventful story. The reservation was small. Everyone knew each other from the time they were born. He’d assumed that his parents had too.

She got up from her seat without explanation and wandered over to the small bookshelf that housed their family albums. None of them had been touched much since Harry died. There was a light layer of dust on top of the wood. Seth’s heart hammered in his chest as he watched his mom pick the white one up. It sat on the far end of the shelf, at the beginning, and Seth was vaguely aware that this particular album contained his parents’ wedding photos. He’d seen glimpses inside of it here or there, but he’d never bothered to examine it.

Sue sat back down, this time beside Seth on the couch. Seth tried to watch her, looking for any signs of distress as she opened the album. There were none. In fact, she smiled upon seeing the first picture: one of her and her new husband smiling towards the camera. Seth figured it was after the wedding ceremony itself. They both glowed.

Sue couldn’t have been much older than Leah when the picture was taken. The thought sent a jolt of surprise through Seth. He’d never done the math to figure out how old his parents had been when they got married, and they looked shockingly young. Not in the sense that they were two children getting married but in the sense that Seth had never thought of them as being this close to his and Leah’s ages. He’d fallen into the trap of only being able to imagine his parents as just that: parents.

“You look beautiful,” he told her. She beamed at him in a self-conscious way that she never showed. Seth had never seen his mother act bashful in his life. She was always firm in the stances she took, and she never acted ashamed or nervous about her appearance or her mind.

“Thank you.” She patted Seth’s knee, looking at the picture with what could only be described as longing. Seth wondered if it was for his father or if it was for a time when things might have been simpler for them. He knew she didn’t regret where she’d wound up in life, with him and Leah, but he would have thought her crazy if she didn’t miss being a carefree newly wed.

“You know, your dad almost lost the rings.” She said it quietly, almost conspiratorially, as if Harry might overhear and begin protesting. There was happiness in her voice when she spoke about Harry, one that had triumphed over any annoyance she had ever felt about the nearly lost rings.

“I didn’t,” Seth admitted again. Even that story was difficult for Seth to imagine. His father had always been what Seth would call responsible. Seth knew enough to know his father hadn’t been perfect, of course, but he’d never known his dad to forget anything as important as his and Sue’s wedding rings.

Sue nodded along, flipping to the next page of the album. This one was full of pictures from before the ceremony, the majority of them not posed. The wedding party mulled about getting ready and laughing with each other. Not even a hint that something was going wrong. Seth wondered if it was before or after the event with the rings.

“He took them out of his pocket at some point before the wedding,” Sue explained. “Set them down. Intending to pick them back up beforehand, of course.” She turned to smirk at him. “And he didn’t.”

Seth’s eyes widened in surprise. “I thought you meant he lost them but found them before the ceremony. You started the ceremony without rings?”

Just hearing it had Seth on high alert, like he was about to hear a disaster story about the wedding, but his mom laughed, flipping the page again. Now there were pictures of the actual ceremony. Tons of them. Whoever had photographed the wedding had been thorough.

Sue flipped through several more pages until she got to the pictures of the ring-centered parts of the ceremony. This time Seth could tell that something had gone wrong, although this was only because he had been told about it. The large smiles on the faces of both of his parents and the apparent laughter of the officiant didn’t show any signs of doom, but Seth could pick up on the hints that the rings were missing, such as the sheepishness of his dad’s smile.

“They were in the back,” Sue continued, shaking her head in amusement. “Billy—he was your father’s best man, of course—Billy ran to get them. Your dad had left them in plain sight on some table. We had them in only a few minutes. No big deal. I scolded him about trying to sabotage the wedding for the joke’s sake, but no one thought I was serious.”

Another flip of the page and there was a much younger Billy Black handing the rings over to Harry. Seth looked at his mother in the picture, detecting the relieved set of her shoulders even as she continued laughing with the others. Seth thought she might have felt more fear in that moment than she was letting on, but it was clear the debacle had been a cheerful story since that day.

Sue continued showing Seth the book, but she didn’t offer much commentary anymore. Instead, she became lost in sentimentality, looking at the pictures with a smile almost as large as the one she had worn that day. Seth could tell that things moved smoothly after that. All the pictures of the ceremony looked like the few weddings Seth had attended over the years. Nothing out of the ordinary happened.

Then it was the reception pictures. Again nothing strange appeared. It looked like any other wedding reception Seth had seen in the past. The only strange part was picking out the people he knew. The ones who had aged decades since these photos were taken. With a few of them, Seth had to stare to begin to sort out who they were. It was startling to realize that many of the oldest in the pictures had been dead before he could meet them, or they had died when Seth was too young to remember their faces. They might have held him as a baby, but he would never attach a name to their appearance. They were strangers, but they had been important to his parents. He could see that from the way they laughed together in the photos.

It was strange to know his parents had had this whole world of people around them before Seth existed. One full of many people Seth would never know and many more people who were different people how then they had been back then.

Mostly though, he was captivated by his parents. The huge smiles on their faces didn’t dim in any of the pictures, and in most of them, the smiles were directed at each other. They looked so happy, and Seth felt warmth while looking at them, knowing they had continued to love each other that much until his father died.

This was what Seth wanted. He’d always wanted to emulate his parents’ marriage. Possibly, he idealized it too much. He’d seen arguments between his parents before. He knew perfection was too good to be true. There was little doubt that there had been a fair share of other arguments that he hadn’t been privy to.

Still, Seth had never doubted their feelings for each other, and he would have considered his parents’ marriage to be as good of an ideal as he was going to get. Whenever he imagined being married, his marriage looked like theirs with only one major difference: he was married to another man. When he started to focus on that, he became worried that he would never have what his parents had.

Seth’s future wedding could have followed each step of his parents’ ceremony, but it wouldn’t have been legally binding the way theirs had been. There was no guarantee that there would be a crowd of people beaming with pride at Seth and the man he fell in love with. They were much more likely to be a bit hesitant—if not outright disgusted—about their love for each other. None of it would look like this.

Seth leaned back into the couch, watching his mother more than the photos. The smile on her face had dimmed as if she sensed the new set of emotions Seth was experiencing. She glanced over at him, eyes not lingering long.

“I hope you and Leah both have this one day,” she said. She’d stopped on the final page of the album. Another large picture of her and Harry stared up at them. This one taken as they left the reception at the end of the night, a cheering crowd taking up the background of the photo.

Heart pounding in his chest, Seth remained quiet. He focused on a spot on the coffee table, not trusting himself to make eye contact with Sue. He didn’t think her vision of the future matched with his, and that worried him more than the approval of anyone else.

Seth couldn’t remember a time when he had truly disappointed his mother, and he would have liked to keep it that way. At the same time, Seth was aware that some day it would become a choice between disappointing his mother and disappointing himself, and neither option felt like it could be part of a happy life.

His mother patted him on the knee before continuing to speak in a forceful voice. “Whoever you end up with, I know you’ll be happy. I would just like for the both of you to be happy.”

With one last pat on his knee, she stood up, taking the album with her. She carefully placed it back in its place on the shelf before going down the hall and out of sight. Seth stared after her, wondering if he had imagined the emphasis on “whoever” or if it had been there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> About Seth's "wouldn't be legally binding" comment. Washington state began recognizing same-sex marriages in 2012, which is after when this story takes place. There were civil unions at the time this conversation is taking place, but I don't think that diminishes Seth's point about his potential wedding (as he's imagining it at this point in time) would be treated differently than his parents'.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think this is the shortest chapter of the story, but I promise that there will be a new one within the next day or so.

School started, and Seth was forced to face change he hadn’t realized was coming. He was a sophomore. That transition hadn’t felt important before, not any more than the other transitions from school year to school year had been. Nothing noticeable changed at the Quileute Tribal School. He was in the same building with the same people with the same, more or less, routine.

But there had been some changes Seth hadn’t considered. A couple of his teachers were ones he’d had before, but he also had new ones he had only seen in passing during previous years. That hadn’t been a change he had anticipated because he hadn’t cared. He still didn’t.

Logically, he’d known that being a sophomore meant that he was going to have that legendary final lunch period for the oldest students in the school. He hadn’t been clueless of the change. But his brain had never bothered to make the connection between the new lunch period and Al still being in the other one. Seth hadn’t stopped to think about how his lunches were about to change.

Because he was the only wolf in his grade, he was the only one making this transition. Everyone else got to eat lunch with the same people they always had. The dynamics stayed the same.

This shouldn’t have bothered Seth. He had always been jealous of not getting to eat lunch with the older guys of the pack before his crush on Al had developed. Past him would’ve been ecstatic that the time had finally come.

Instead, he felt like moping as he slid into the seat beside Jake, not offering anything but a grunted greeting to the other guys. Jared and Paul didn’t pay attention to his arrival. They were reveling in being seniors, the oldest in the school. It had them in a great mood as they joked around with one another. 

Jake, Quil, and Embry were more subdued, not basking in their senior glory in the same way. Seth saw both Jake and Embry look at him for longer than just a glance, and he knew they could tell that something was wrong. Neither one of them said anything to him.

This was it. This was what Seth had wanted. It wasn’t bad. Part of him was still excited to eat lunch with the older grades instead of the younger ones, but he missed Al. It was ridiculous. They had rarely said much to each other during lunch, but Seth could feel his absence all the same.

Eventually, he managed to join in the conversation, keeping up the facade that there wasn’t anyone else he was thinking about as he ate his lunch.


	6. Chapter 6

Seth hesitated outside the school building once they were let out for the day. He’d had no confirmation that he and Al were going to keep up their previous routine of walking home together in the new school year. He had just assumed they would, but now that he was here, he began to doubt that former confidence.

He hadn’t seen Al all day. The gap between them grade-wise seemed to have widened with the start of the new year. While Seth had encountered difficulty last school year navigating the hallways while both looking for Al and not wanting to seem like he was looking for Al, this year any attempts to look turned up nothing. He hadn’t thought that would have been possible, and it made him wonder if Al were doing it on purpose.

They had the same lockers as last year. They always had the same locker. Each group of lockers belonged to a grade, and the designation changed year-by-year as the students moved up in age. Seth knew where Al’s locker was, not too far away from his own, and it wasn’t like the passing periods were different for each of them. So he couldn’t figure out why catching glimpses of Al during the day had become impossible for even a wolf to manage.

Those annoyances were for another time though. He was going to see Al now. Possibly. His doubts continued to strengthen, and he began ambling away from the school, controlling his speed to provide Al with time. At this rate, Al could catch up. If he didn’t, well…

It took longer than Seth would have expected before he heard his name being called behind him, low enough that it wouldn’t have caught the attention of those who lingered around the front of the school. Al knew Seth could hear him just fine.

Seth twirled around with such speed that he felt dizzy. Shaking the feeling away, he watched Al hurry up to him, looking nervous. Seth’s own stomach gave a jolt.

“Hey,” Al greeted, voice wavering. “You didn’t wait for me where you usually do.”

Shifting on his feet, Seth turned back around with Al at his side. He watched Al from the corner of his eye, and the lack of confidence he saw there emboldened him. He hadn’t, until then, considered that his failure to wait for Al might have implied that he didn’t want to walk with him.

“I didn’t know if you’d show up.” Seth never would have admitted that much on a normal day. Only Al’s own uncertainty gave him the courage, but he could feel his cheeks heat up as he said it. It was the closest he had come to acknowledging that Al made him nervous. “I thought that maybe you weren’t as interested in walking home with me anymore.”

But Al smiled at him, and Seth couldn’t regret being forthright about his motivations.

“I am,” Al told him, and the statement held far more weight than it should have. The fact that Al still wanted to walk home with him shouldn’t have made Seth feel as light as it did. It could have been nothing more than a casual comment, but Al’s tone made it obvious that it wasn’t casual at all. Walking home with Seth held more than a passing interest to Al. Seth had known that had to be the case. There was no way Al was unaffected by their common situations, but Seth had never heard Al say anything that confirmed it.

“Well,” Seth said once he’d taken a few seconds to react. He cleared his throat. “I guess this is our routine again.”

Al muttered in agreement, fiddling with the strap of his backpack as he did so.

“How was the end of your summer?” he asked Seth. “I haven’t seen you for, like, a week.”

The truth was that Seth had done nothing except wake up in the morning and watch television until it was time to go to bed. At the time, he’d thought of it as relishing his ability to do nothing for a few more days. Now that he was faced with describing what he’d done to Al, it sounded more pathetic than Seth had thought it did.

“Not much,” he said with a shrug. He felt a blush on his cheeks, and he hoped Al didn’t see it.He didn’t question Seth further even though it was a cop out answer. “You?”

Al mimicked his shrug and echoed, “Not much.”

Al hadn’t questioned him further, so Seth wouldn’t question Al either. Still, Seth couldn’t help but wonder what it was Al had been doing. What sorts of things did Al do when no one was around? Seth got butterflies in his stomach while pondering the question, and he forced himself to focus on the moment, to focus on the Al that was talking to him and not the one in his daydreams.

“You happy that school’s started back?” Seth asked, figuring that it was his turn to ask a question.

Al gave another shrug before turning to look Seth up and down as if analyzing him. “Yeah, I’d say I am. Guess that’s an unpopular answer, right? Not what normal people say. Are you?”

Seth wanted to protest Al labelling himself as separate from ‘normal’ people, but he didn’t say anything, scared that his strong feelings would be revealed. Instead, he focused on answering his own question. He thought back to the scattered times he and Al had seen each other over the summer, and he thought about the daily walks home they’d have now.

“No,” he said with a shake of his head. “I’m happy I think. I mean, the work and stuff sucks, but I think I’m mostly happy.”

He caught Al’s eye, and Al looked like he knew what Seth meant. They both nodded, accepting each other’s answers. Neither one of them elaborated on why they would be two of the few exceptions to the universal hatred of school. They didn’t need to.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you've read my Leah stories, then you already know bits and pieces of Seth's story, including this. But now you get it from Seth's own perspective.

The beginning of the school year didn’t only mean homework or days locked away or even that Seth got to see Al every day. It also meant that the weather grew colder, a change Seth struggled to notice with his higher than average body temperature. He didn’t pay any attention to when the other students began wearing jackets to school each day. Jake pointed it out, giving Seth a firm reminder that he should be wearing one too.

But other changes Seth did notice, like the way much of the forest felt emptier, not as active as it did in warmer months. He also noticed Al. He noticed Al more than he noticed anything else. He especially noticed little things about Al that he hadn’t realized before, and he noticed, in a shocking revelation late at night, that he could consider himself an important person in Al’s life too. Despite continuing to crush as hard as he always had, Seth was freer with Al when they talked, not worried about being himself and saying what he thought to an extent he hadn’t before been capable of with anyone.

Seth also began to realize things about himself, like how he felt more sure of himself these days than he had in the past. When he worried that something made him abnormal, he talked to Al. Often, Al could relate. If he couldn’t, he’d reassure Seth that someone out in the world would if Seth could only talk to them. They were small moments, but they meant so much. Seth didn’t feel like an outcast like he had in the past. He started to feel like he belonged wherever he was, that being gay didn’t make him an “other” who had to bend to fit the straight people surrounding him.

None of that helped knock down the remaining barriers Seth had been feeling and help him become free. Seth was still in the closet. That hadn’t changed. The closet felt roomier than in the past; Seth was less worried about peeking out through a crack in the door every so often, but for the most part, he stayed inside and took advantage of relative safety.

That couldn’t last forever. Once upon a time, he’d felt compelled to keep it up forever. He’d never thought he could manage to lock an important part of himself away for that long, but he’d been sure that he would try. Now he realized how foolish that had been. How unsustainable that level of deception would be. Every day Seth felt exhausted by the constant lying. Even when he said nothing at all.

It was reaching the tipping point where it was too much to take, and Seth knew the gears had begun to turn and set things in motion. Seth began to think about how he was going to come out to his mother and Leah, the obvious first step towards being free.

He didn’t discuss it with Al. The act of coming out felt too personal for that, something he needed to decide and plan by himself. He wondered if Al suspected, if he gave off some sort of aura that hinted he was close to coming out of the closet. If he did, Al didn’t comment on it, but he couldn’t have missed the way Seth talked more freely, the way he didn’t balk when talking about a future where everyone knew. Because that felt attainable for the first time in Seth’s life.

In the end, Seth didn’t decide to come out as much as he realized it had to happen. That sounded like fate had destined a time and place. In reality, Seth knew when it had to happen because he was going to implode if he went a day longer without doing it. He didn’t know what would happen if he broke down, but he didn’t want to find out.

He knew it wouldn’t be disastrous, if one was following the strictest definition of the word. His mom wouldn’t kick him out of the house. There wouldn’t be any violence. He was confident there wouldn’t even be yelling. He was gearing himself up for disappointment more than anything else, and while that should maybe have been reassuring—he knew so many people had dealt with so much worse—none of that quelled his fear.

Just saying the words, “Mom, can we have dinner as a family tonight?” was a struggle. Sue sensed it, turning her sharp eyes on him and analyzing his expression and the way he shuffled his feet.

Such a request shouldn’t have been alarming, even if asking for a family dinner could be taken as unexpectedly sentimental. The dinners used to be a nightly thing. Until his dad had died, they’d sad down together for dinner every night without fail. After Harry’s death, they became more of an option, only happening when each of them wasn’t somewhere else around dinner time, and that had gotten more and more infrequent as time passed. Now, with Leah spending her days in Port Angeles for school, they were almost nonexistent.

That evening, when they were gathered around the kitchen table, Seth could sense that Leah knew something was up. Her eyes kept flickering between him and their mom, but they stayed mostly on him. She knew. Seth knew that she knew. On some level, he knew that his mom knew too. But that didn’t help in the slightest, and he didn’t want to stop to consider it. He didn’t want to assume they knew and then be wrong. And knowing didn’t mean they’d have any better of a reaction than if they hadn’t figured it out before he could tell them himself.

Everyone was quiet as they ate. Seth brought his fork to his mouth, chewed, and swallowed like he was supposed to, but the food was flavorless. At times, he thought it might not stay down. If he pushed his plate away, it was a sign that something was wrong, so he kept going through the motions. Finally, his plate was empty. Leah and Sue had already finished, and they watched him closely, eyes a mixture of curiosity and worry. There was no pity or judgment there yet.

He cleared his throat because he knew that, if he didn’t, he would mangle the words. That’s not how he wanted it to go.

“I’m gay.”

It was still one of the first times he’d said it out loud. He didn’t state it bluntly to Al whenever they talked about it, and the several times they had gotten into those types of conversations, it was almost like practice for this moment. This felt different, like this was the real admission. Sometimes just knowing he was gay wasn’t enough for Seth to feel like the label belonged to him. Something about his continual lie made him feel both unworthy and terrified of the title.

Both Sue’s and Leah’s remained on him, but Seth could only focus on his mother, whom he had been worried about disappointing. He wasn’t sure what Leah’s reaction to the words had been, but Sue had a straight face. She didn’t look surprised. Seth shifted as she looked at him, growing terrified the longer the silence lasted.

In reality, two seconds had passed since he spoke, but it felt like so much longer.

“Took you long enough.”

Seth let out a surprised burst of air, shoulders sagging as he watched his mom smile at him. That hadn’t been what he was expecting, especially the smile. 

“You knew?” His eyes flickered between Sue and Leah, taking in both of their smiles and still not believing it. Some part of him expected the smiles to have cruel edges to them, to still mean something terrible. It was impossible for him to believe that their reactions weren’t negative.

“Of course she did,” Leah said. She was smiling, and Seth knew her well enough to know that it was one of her rare genuine ones. Seth was the only person who managed to get those smiles out of her, but it didn’t happen often. He’d thought they’d be over for good after this. “I hate to break this to you, but it wasn’t well hidden. Especially not for your sister who’s been in your head.”

Her words held an edge to them, joking with just a bit of cruelty, that was very Leah-like. Oddly enough, that was reassuring to Seth. He knew it was the most sentimentality he could hope to get out of her. There were no hugs or reassurances from Leah. This was as close as she would come to telling him that she loved him. But he knew how to read her. After all, as she’d said, they were in each other’s heads. He knew how she worked. He knew what she meant when she offered him a half grin.

At the same time, her words scared him. It had been obvious because they were in each other’s heads. Did that mean the guys in their pack knew? Was he not as capable of hiding this part of him away as he’d always thought? Did they know about his crush on Al? Did Al know about his crush on Al?

The room descended into a silence that was more along the lines of what Seth had been expecting to have to deal with. Except it wasn’t Leah or his mom who had him preoccupied anymore. It was worrying about his own failures. Keeping his sexuality from the pack had taken all of his energy, and he was realizing it might have been useless.

“Well,” Sue said, rising from her seat and taking her empty plate with her, “there’s ice cream in the fridge. I suppose we could eat that as a small celebration.”

Seth looked at her in surprise. That was the last word he had expected to hear come out of her mouth to describe what he had told her. It was impossible to explain the flurry of emotions flying around in his head.

“Celebration?” he asked, struggling to use the word himself. It felt like it was mocking him.

Sue stopped on her way to the kitchen, turning to Seth with one eyebrow raised. “Of course.” She placed a hand on her hip as if she were judging Seth’s pessimism. She probably was. “Do you know how thankful I am this is out in the open? It’s been killing me that you wouldn’t say it.”

Seth couldn’t prevent his dumbfounded expression, revealing how shocked he was by her reaction. This wasn’t what he had expected when he asked for a family dinner. Nothing could have prepared him for this. If they’d known anything at all, Seth would have thought they were dreading this as much as he was.

Leah spoke up, pulling Seth’s attention away from Sue as she continued into the kitchen. “Me too. Did you not realize I knew when I was trying to convince you to tell me what was bothering you?”

Seth felt embarrassed. Shrugging, he said, “I knew you thought you knew something, but I wasn’t sure you knew the truth.”

He had thought that he was hiding himself away enough for her not to know, and he’d thought the idea of him being gay would feel far fetched enough to her that she wouldn’t assume it. So much of his comfort had banked on those assumptions. They were what kept him from living in fear that he would be found out by everyone around him. Now he wondered if he should be more worried about his carefully constructed fiction falling apart.

The look Leah shot him was pitying, but it wasn’t the sort of pity Seth had been expecting earlier. He knew he should have been annoyed, but all he could feel was relief.

“Are you holding any other secrets then, or did I have it right?” she asked, already knowing the answer.

Seth snorted. Not believing she was capable of joking around after his confession.

“Apparently, you had it right.”

He shook his head as she grinned in satisfaction. Seth felt more at ease than he could ever remember being. The tension in his body had drained away, and he felt lighter. The closet door was wide open at least right here and right now. He no longer had to worry about screwing up and letting something slip. It was a huge weight off his shoulders, one that he had waited for so many years. Even if it was only a temporary improvement until he could work up the courage to do this again and again.

“When’s everyone else going to find out?”

Leah’s words sent a shiver of fear through Seth despite the fact that he’d been asking himself the same question moments before. His body tensed as he thought about his answer. This was the first time someone had probed him for a straight answer about coming out. He hadn’t even informed Al that he was doing this tonight, and he certainly hadn’t made plans beyond this. Telling his mom and Leah had been frightening enough. He couldn’t give Leah a definite answer because he had no idea when he’d work up the nerve to tell more people.

“I don’t know,” he told her, wringing his hands under the table. Then he admitted something he hadn’t expected to say that night. “I’m worried about how they’ll react to knowing some guy who’s in their minds occasionally, who has, um,” he hesitated, looking down at the table instead of at Leah’s face, “seen them naked, is gay.”

When he chanced looking up at Leah again, cheeks a light pink, she was frowning at him, but he didn’t think it was about him. She seemed to be annoyed, but Seth didn’t know what about this could be annoying to her.

“I’ve done all those things too,” she pointed out, stating it like that meant Seth should be able to come out to the guys with no problem. Even if Seth appreciated her wanting him to be out, she didn’t understand.

He couldn’t argue with her. Sue walked in right at that moment, carrying the ice cream and bowls, clueless as to what her children had been discussing while she was in the other room. Seth took the bowl he was handed, digging into the ice cream carton and scooping it into his bowl.

Settling back in his seat, he stuck his spoon in the ice cream, stabbing at it before answering Leah.

“You’re right, but that still depends on them seeing things the same way.”

He shoveled a spoonful of ice cream into his mouth.

“Oh, they will when I’m there.”

Seth offered her a small smile through his mouthful of ice cream. The threatening tone of Leah’s voice would be familiar to anyone who knew her, and Seth knew it held a real threat. This was Leah’s way of saying she would stand up for him no matter what. It was the ultimate declaration of love when it came to Leah Clearwater. Seth couldn’t think of her being more affectionate with him.

That didn’t mean Seth shared her conviction that she could keep the guys in line, that her threats would be enough to make them accepting of his sexuality and him. That relied too much on their personal attitudes, something Leah didn’t have control over as much as she might have liked to.


	8. Chapter 8

“I did it,” Seth told Al breathlessly the next time they were walking home from school together. He’d wanted to bring it up later in their conversation, make it sound like he hadn’t almost pissed himself the night before. Instead, he’d blurted it out as soon as Al was in front of him, with the school building still in sight behind them. In the heat of the moment, he didn’t care how obvious his excitement was to anyone who happened to be watching. He yearned to see the excitement Al would feel over it too.

Al’s eyes grew wide. He stared at Seth for what felt like a long period of time, digesting what he had been told.

“Did it,” Al repeated. “Like ‘came out’ did it?”

Seth nodded, feeling energetic now that he was able to share the story with someone who hadn’t been there. It made him feel like he was on top of the world.

“To my mom and Leah,” he clarified. “I told them over dinner. Kind of had to blurt it out to be honest, but it turns out they both knew! None of it went the way I thought it would. It was actually okay. It felt amazing, Al. It’s like this huge weight is gone. I can go home and there aren’t any lies. Do you know how freeing that is?”

Al had turned to look at the ground as Seth talked, and he shook his head.

“No, I don’t.”

Suddenly, Seth felt like he had been doused with a bucket of cold water. His mood dampened. The mood he had wanted to hold onto for as long as possible was gone in the blink of an eye as he looked into Al’s sad eyes.

“I’m sorry,” Seth whispered. It was hard to describe what he was feeling. It was like embarrassment mixed with sadness and something akin to pity, which he never wanted to feel towards Al. How Al might react, not having come out to his own parents yet, had never crossed Seth’s mind. He’d been too focused on his own feelings and Al’s potential excitement for it to occur to him that Al might feel anything but excitement on his behalf.

They continued to walk along the street, this time in a silence that had become unusual for them. Seth hated it and wanted to fix it, but he didn’t know how. Now that he had rubbed his own good fortune in Al’s face, he didn’t know what he could say to make it better. There was no changing the fact that Seth was out to his family and Al wasn’t. He couldn’t change the past, take back everything he’d said to his family as if it had never been said. He didn’t think he would want to, and that knowledge made facing Al even more difficult.

When they were only a minute away from Al’s house, Al sighed and said, “I really am happy for you, Seth. You should be happy. Coming out to your family, that’s great. That’s something you should get to be excited about, and I ruined it. That’s my fault. It’s all my fault. You deserve to be happy right now.”

Seth felt like he’d been through too much emotional whiplash in the last half hour, not to mention the night before. What he wanted more than anything was to go home and take a nap. A big change from the energy that had been coursing through his veins throughout the school day in anticipation of talking to Al.

“No, I understand,” he replied, more because he wanted to make Al feel better than because it was the truth. It did hurt to see Al disappointed, but Seth couldn’t blame him. “If I were you, I’d be upset too. I didn’t think about that before. It’s my fault, not yours.”

Al shook his head, smiling for the first time since Seth had shared his news. “We’re just going to argue if I disagree with you again, aren’t we?” Seth allowed himself a short laugh and a nod. “Alright. I won’t. I’m serious when I say that I want you to be happy about this, Seth. I’m not gonna lie, it also makes me happy that you understand why it makes me feel sad even though I knew it’s stupid,” he carried on before Seth could protest the remark, “but don’t let that affect you. You don’t deserve that.”

Seth sighed and nodded to give Al some peace of mind. In reality, he wouldn't be able to stop feeling guilty knowing that Al was upset. There was nothing Seth could do to fix it though, so he was better off trying to forget it like Al had told him to. The only way Al would feel better was if he stopped thinking about it, and the best way Seth could help with that was by shutting up.

“You want to go out in the woods?” Seth asked abruptly. They never did this. Sure, they had over the summer, but those had been infrequent events. And, on a school day, they’d never spent more time together than their walk home. Al appeared startled that Seth had made the suggestion. “To talk,” Seth continued, “about stuff that isn’t all this.” He motioned with his hands as if talking about the wider world, but Al knew what he was referring to.

Al shrugged, looking hesitant. There was a painful tugging in Seth’s heart. He didn’t think Al’s reluctance came from anything other than a belief that being around Seth would make him feel worse, a sentiment that Seth couldn’t begrudge him for.

“No coming out talk,” Seth promised. “Or anything else you don’t want to talk about. You can choose what gets brought up.”

Al continued to chew on his lip, but he also nodded. Seth tried to stop his smile from overtaking his face, and when that failed, he turned away from Al and led the way into the woods right off from the road they had been walking along.

It was quiet. Much quieter than it had been since they had grown used to being in each other’s presence.

Despite the sudden detour off the road, they both knew where they were. Without any discussion of where they were heading, they went for the same small clearing that they had met in several times before.

There was still no conversation when they reached it. Seth and Al lowered themselves to the ground, each resting against one tree whose trunk was wide enough that no one’s arms could have wrapped around it.

The clearing was different from what it had been when they’d last met here. That was unsurprising for Seth, who had made several visits to this spot alone, but he watched Al as he catalogued the changes that Seth already knew. The evergreen trees around them still provided color, but perhaps through tricks of the eye, their needles seemed to be of a more muted green than they had been months before. The rest of the color was gone, just like in the rest of the forest, leaving only shades of browns in their place.

Al shifted where he sat, and his arm brushed against Seth for the briefest of moments. Even between the jackets that each of them wore, Seth felt goosebumps erupt along his arm. He stilled, on high alert for the possibility that it would happen again, feeling self-conscious about how to position his own arm. The way it rested against his side felt unnatural, and he resisted the urge to reposition it and hit Al in the side.

They stayed in the clearing for an hour before Al made an excuse about having homework to do. It was the most they had said to each other since sitting down, but Seth could tell that the grin Al offered him was genuine. He watched the boy walk away, disappearing into the trees, and took in the energy in his step that hadn’t been there before. It might have been Seth’s imagination, but he would have liked to think that his presence helped comfort Al as much as Al’s presence comforted him.


	9. Chapter 9

Seth loved his birthday. That was especially true when he could say that he turned sixteen today. It was the age of freedom for most, when they could get their license. Seth didn’t feel excited in that way. He’d already had more than the freedom a license could afford since becoming a wolf at fourteen.

Still, there was something about the age that made it feel like a milestone. In two years, he would be an adult. That thought was shocking. He wasn’t sure if he was excited for it as much as he just embraced it. He was a year older, a year wiser. He had more ammunition when he attempted to be taken seriously by the guys.

He had a feeling it wouldn’t help, but at least he had it.

Everyone he cared about was gathered in the Clearwaters’ backyard, talking loudly amongst each other and eating far more food than should have been possible. It was a picture perfect birthday party, possibly the best of Seth’s life. That might have been heat of the moment hyperbole since this party was no different than most of his birthdays since he’d outgrown themed parties with a guest list of everyone in his class. But right then, being surrounded by it, Seth felt like this one was the best.

The icing on the cake was looking across the yard and making eye contact with Al, who was looking right back every single time. The edges of Seth’s mouth turned upward before he looked away, trying to tune back into the conversation he was supposed to be having with Jake and Embry. He’d lost track of what they’d been discussing, but when he tuned back in, Jake was talking proudly about something Nessie had done while Embry kept glancing at Leah and acting like no one would notice.

The lack of attention they were showing to each other, let alone Seth, gave Seth the courage to be more daring with his looks at Al. It took a while, about twenty minutes when some of the guests had begun leaving, but eventually, Al stood up from where he’d been sitting with Nick and Ethan. He disappeared into the woods in the direction of his house as if he were leaving, but Seth saw the short glance he sent his way and knew what Al expected.

Leaving your own birthday party before half the guests were gone was frowned upon. To top it all off, a large portion of the guests were wolves with supernatural senses who would pick up on where Seth was going. Seth drummed his fingers against his thigh as he tried to figure out what to do.

Jake wandered off to check on Nessie. Embry remained standing beside him, but they’d dropped the pretense of carrying on a conversation. Seth tried to stop himself from glancing at the tree line that he knew would show him nothing new, but frequently, he couldn’t help himself.

Ten minutes passed from when Al had left before Embry nudged him on the shoulder. Seth glanced over, feeling embarrassed because of the direction his eyes had been in when Embry caught him.

“Yeah?” he asked, trying to sound casual and failing. He wanted to slap himself. It wasn’t like he had done much that was suspicious if he could just keep the tone of his voice neutral.

Embry smirked. He knew something, and Seth shifted on his feet, expecting some sort of comment. He knew it was Embry, the wolf most likely to go easy on Seth no matter what his suspicions were, but it still felt like any positive reaction was too much to hope for. He couldn’t shake the fear that came over him at the thought of being found out.

Instead of answering him, Embry inclined his head in the direction of the exact place Al had disappeared. Maybe he’d seen it all. Or maybe he’d only just caught Seth a second ago.

“Go after him,” Embry whispered low enough that only the two of them would hear. “I’ll cover for you here.”

Going into a near state of panic, Seth found it difficult to breathe, and his heart hammered in his chest.

“You-You-” He didn’t know what it was he wanted to say. There were no words to adequately question Embry about what he’d said. Anything Seth asked would reveal himself, and he couldn’t know for sure what Embry thought he knew. He was also very aware of the wolves around them.

Embry smirked, but he didn’t respond to Seth’s stammered attempt at speech. Perhaps he was thinking about how easily they could be overheard too. If he was, Seth was grateful that he wasn’t proclaiming it to the world like most of the guys might have in his place. Instead, he inclined his head again in the direction of Al’s disappearance and mouthed “go.”

This time, Seth listened. He didn’t bother to glance back at the crowd. Except he didn’t go in the direction Embry had motioned towards. He didn’t dare be that obvious. He entered the forest in the closest spot he could do so and headed far enough in to be out of sight. Only then did he begin to worry about tracking down Al.

He knew where the other boy was. There was only one place he could go and expect Seth to easily find him. It was doubtful that Al was sending him on a long hunt by tracking his scent or something like that. He just hoped that Al hadn’t given up on him now that it was nearing half an hour since he had left.

Along the way, thoughts of Al warred with thoughts about what had happened with Embry. He was nervous about what Al could have wanted enough to pull him away from everyone, even though it was probably for nothing more than talking. Yet that was almost of second importance to what had happened with Embry. Seth had never expected something like that, and it had thrown him for a loop.

Al was sitting with his back against their usual tree when Seth made it to the clearing, and Seth let out a sigh of relief. From the way Al’s eyes were already watching him, Seth could tell that he’d been listening to him approach. They smiled shyly at each other. Seth wasn’t sure why. They’d gotten over their bashfulness a long time ago, but this was also the first time they had met out here, just the two of them, as the sun was beginning to set below the horizon.

Neither one of them said anything, even a hello, as Seth settled down beside Al.

Seth gave Al a few moments to begin to speak. He didn’t, and Seth, whose own mind was trying to sort out what had happened to him, had to share it with Al.

“So,” Seth began, causing Al to look over at him again, “I just had a strange moment with Embry?”

Al looked at him in confusion and with what might have been a hint of fear. “What happened?”

Seth shrugged because it still felt unbelievable. “You left, and I didn’t follow right away. That would’ve been too suspicious, right?” Al offered him a short nod. “But I was waiting, trying to figure out how to follow without raising attention, and Embry told me to go. It was like he knew I was following you, but I don’t know if he did because he didn’t explain himself. Just gave me this look that made me feel like I’d be an idiot if I didn’t do what he said. So I left Embry to come up with a cover story for me?”

He didn’t mean for the end of his explanation sound like a question, but it did. Al had a look of concentration on his face. His brow furrowed as he stared in thought at a tree across from them.

“That is strange,” he said. Then he sighed like he was disheartened. “I guess it’s not surprising that if someone found us out it would be Embry.”

Seth had to admit that Al had a point. It wasn’t something he’d bothered to think about because he had been determined to keep his secret from everyone, but Embry was by far the most observant of the pack. He noticed everything about everyone while a lot of the guys couldn’t notice something happening right under their nose. Sometimes Seth wondered how Jared had even noticed that he’d imprinted on Kim after years of being oblivious to her.

Al leaned his head back against the tree trunk, staring up at the canopy. Sunset was darker in the forest than it would have been otherwise, but there was enough light that their heightened vision couldn’t detect much of a difference.

“I almost want them to figure it out,” Al admitted, causing Seth to turn to look at him.

“What?” Seth exclaimed. “You’d rather that than having control over when it happens?”

Al shrugged, reluctant to look Seth in the eye. “I would like to have control over it. I just think them finding out on their own would have some benefits. I’m not going to bank on it. But you have to think it could be easier, right? If they figure it out, I don’t have to make a huge deal about it. I don’t have to say the words.”

“You can’t just not say the words forever,” Seth pointed out even though it was a sentiment that he still had to remind himself of regularly.

“Obviously, but that would, like, ease me into it…You know?”

Seth didn’t have a response. It didn’t make sense to him, and he was struggling to understand. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that he’d already said the words to someone once before. Coming out to the pack still sounded terrifying, but it was easier for him to believe that he would be capable of it someday. Al hadn’t had that moment that could have helped him in the same way. Not yet anyway.

“I get why getting out of doing it yourself could be appealing,” he responded carefully. “But I wouldn’t understand doing it that way. Not that I’d judge you,” he added quickly at Al’s deepening frown. “It would be your decision. I do think that you’d regret it though. That’s why it bothers me. Having someone else do it for you wouldn’t make things easier in the future. The biggest reason to come out is that you stop being scared of yourself, Al.”

Seth hadn’t realized how passionately he felt about that concept until he had said those words. He felt winded from his speech, which had gotten him more animated than usual. Al fiddled with some blades of grass, shredding each of them before plucking another from the ground.

“I know,” he said with a sigh. “I do, and I wouldn’t actually do it.”

They fell into silence again, neither knowing what to say. These moments had been agonizing at first because Seth had felt a need to fill them, to say something that would make him seem cool or, at the very least, like he wasn’t boring enough to have nothing to say. Now there was a sense of comfort in the silence.

Despite having had a small disagreement moments before, Seth wasn’t worried about impressing Al through a steady stream of conversation. There was a bond between them that wasn’t going to be broken by something superficial. Somehow, getting to sit there in silence with Al was enough to make Seth’s birthday all that much sweeter.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've gotten some messages about this story where people mention wanting Leah and Embry together too, so I thought I'd go ahead and mention again that I have written stories in Leah's POV that happen within the same 'universe' as this one. There are two that are completed; I'm posting the third one now; and I'm currently writing the fourth. If you're interested in Leah and Embry in this story, I would recommend reading those, since this story won't deal with their relationship anywhere near as much as those stories do. (And you get some of Seth and Al in those stories, but also nowhere near as much as in this story.)

Spring was Seth’s favorite season of the year. Winter did hold a special quality, mostly from the holidays and Seth’s own birthday, but spring was more appealing to Seth. As cliche as it was, he thought it had something to do with the rebirth that could be found everywhere in the springtime. Spending time in the woods was nicer when there were creatures moving around you, living their lives.

On this particular Sunday, everything felt calm. Sundays always felt...empty to Seth. Oftentimes, if he walked around La Push, it felt more deserted on Sunday than on any other day of the week. He’d come to attribute it to everyone taking advantage of their last day without work or school before the new week began. They were more likely to be at home, taking advantage of their bed or couch, than out running around.

Spring also meant getting anxious for the end of the school year, feeling it build up inside of you as the days inched by, and this year was no different. Part of Seth dreaded not having his daily walks with Al anymore, but this year, he had a feeling that it wouldn’t keep them from seeing each other on a daily basis. Neither one of them would want that. Even now they’d taken to spending every Sunday afternoon together. Time spent together that was longer than their walks and that also afforded them more privacy. Only once had they been able to tell that one of the guys was too close for comfort, running around the woods as a wolf. They’d panicked a little, coming up with an alibi about running into each other while on solo walks through the woods.

Luckily, it had been Embry, and while he had questioned them, he had let them off easy after their lies, only giving them a small smile to show he hadn’t believed any of it. Seth had little doubt that Embry knew there was something going on between them, but a small part of him still hoped that Embry thought they were only close friends. Why that would necessitate sneaking around, Seth wasn’t sure, but that didn’t stop him from holding onto a useless sense of hope.

The small clearing was brighter during the day than it had felt during the winter. Al was sitting next to him, their arms touching. That was a new development that Seth was still getting used to.

Al fidgeted, just as he’d been doing since he had arrived. Then he blurted out the words that had been stuck in his throat.

“I told my parents.”

The words themselves didn’t shock Seth as much as hearing Al say them after hesitating for so long. They’d been sitting here long enough, talking about meaningless things as Al avoided what he really wanted to talk about, that Seth had started to think Al would never say what had him worked up.

He didn’t get it really. It wasn’t like Al was coming out to him. Seth had told Al about coming out to his mom and Leah easily enough, but for some reason, telling Seth about his own parents had Al worked up.

“How’d it go?”

Seth watched Al, worried that this nerves were a result of how his parents had reacted. His worry wasn’t selfless. If Al was about to describe some horrible reaction his parents had had, then Seth didn’t know how he was supposed to respond or what he was supposed to do. There was no way he could make up for it, and he would feel even guiltier for the reaction his own family had given him.

There were another few moments of silence as Al worked himself up to telling the story in detail. Seth braced himself for getting a bare bones answer when Al finally spoke.

“It went okay, I guess.” The tone of his voice didn’t make it sound as if it had been okay.

Seth sat up from where he had been leaning against the tree, sparing only a short, mournful thought to the fact that this arm was no longer brushing against Al’s. He swung himself around so he was facing Al, legs crossed underneath him. Al bristled under the increased scrutiny, shoulders scrunching together to make himself appear smaller.

“They’re not...happy,” Al admitted. “They got quiet. Like I’d told them something so out of touch with reality that they couldn’t digest it. It was silent for a while, felt like a million years. Then Dad said something about needing a drink. He got up and went into the kitchen without looking at me. Mom just sat there, watching me with this torn expression. I thought she was going to say something; I thought it might be encouraging. Then she asked if I wanted anything for dinner.”

Seth cringed, his own stomach tightening as he watched Al struggle not to cry. He reached out to place his hand on Al’s arm, squeezing it. He wanted to reach out and hug him, but they never exchanged more than the lightest of touches. It was like neither one of them could figure out where the appropriate boundaries were, so they erred on the side of caution. Even placing a hand on Al’s arm felt daring, and Seth couldn’t help but spare a moment to think about it despite the situation.

“That’s shit,” Seth said, knowing there was nothing positive he could say to make the reactions of Al’s parents feel any better. “They haven’t said anything since?”

Al raised his arm to wipe his eyes dry. He was trying to be sneaky about it, as if Seth wouldn’t notice the motion when he was sat right there watching them.

“Not a thing,” Al confirmed. “They both act like it didn’t happen. But Dad hasn’t looked at me since yesterday, and Mom keeps shooting me these upset glances when she thinks I’m not looking.”

Seth wanted to say that they’d get over it, but it could’ve been a lie. The limited knowledge Seth had of Al’s parents was enough to prevent Seth from being shocked by this, and it didn’t give him hope that they would come around like they should have. He knew that Al knew that far better than he did.

There were tears running down Al’s cheeks, and he’d taken to staring at the ground instead of wiping them away, like he couldn’t even feel them.

“I keep thinking,” Al said, shocking Seth out of their silence, “about how relieved they would be if I brought a girlfriend home. How happy that would make them now that they know I could bring a boy home instead. And it scares me. I think that would hurt me more than their reaction to me having a boyfriend. Seeing them ecstatic that they can just pretend that their son is straight because he’s dating a girl instead of a boy.

“I even explained what bisexuality was because I didn’t think they’d get it. They didn’t. They stared at me with these blank expressions as I explained it, like they weren’t taking me seriously. They probably think it’s as realistic as me being sexually attracted to aliens. Or, like, animals. They’d probably take that just as well. Fuck-”

Al had worked himself into a frenzy. His face was red, and he was struggling to breathe. Seth stared at him with wide eyes, unsure of what to do. Almost unconsciously, his hand found Al’s back, rubbing slow circles across it. Somehow, that worked to calm him. Seth could feel the tension leaving his muscles as he did it, and his own breath hitched in his throat at the sensation.

Slowly, Al leaned further into Seth, almost leaning on him completely. His shoulder touched Seth’s shoulder. Al was calm now—or at least as calm as he had been before he’d started telling Seth what had happened—but he wasn’t showing any inclination of moving away from Seth. So Seth took a risk. He leaned forward to close the remaining distance between them, wrapping his arms around Al.

It was only a hug, and not even the most intimate of hugs imaginable. They were still sitting, their bodies bent at strange angles that would make them sore the next day if the hug lasted too long. Yet it felt far more intimate than one would have imagined when looking at them.

After several moments, Al sank into the hug, allowing his temple to rest on Seth’s shoulder. Seth could feel Al’s breath against his neck, causing a tingling sensation to ripple throughout Seth’s body.

One of Seth’s hands had come to rest on Al’s waist. The other found Al’s arm, gripping him around the wrist because, for unexplainable reasons, holding his hand felt like too much.

“I can hear your heartbeat,” Al whispered.

Seth shivered at the words, at the way Al said them like that was amazing, like they didn’t have supernatural hearing that would have allowed him to hear Seth’s heartbeat, had he tuned into it, when they only sat beside each other.

“I can feel yours,” Seth replied, squeezing Al’s wrist to emphasize his words.

Romance novels and movies had never held much interest for Seth. He could appreciate the idea of losing yourself in a romantic fantasy, but he couldn’t get into them himself. And it wasn’t because of some failure to relate to the couples that were always one male and one female. It was the cliches, the repeated plot points. Seth didn’t buy them.

He was an optimistic person in almost every respect, but Seth wasn’t sure he could call himself a romantic. That wasn’t to say he didn’t believe in love. He did. Absolutely. He just didn’t believe in the easily tied up and packaged in a two-hour movie love. The kind where the couple turned the littlest things into grand gestures of love. It felt too good to be true.

But he could feel Al’s pulse beneath his fingers, and his own heart sped up now that he knew Al was listening to it. Al’s followed suit. Seth counted the beats for the hell of it, his stomach fluttering as he noticed the beats becoming more rapid.

It was only temporary. They continued to sit there, and their hearts returned to normal, not able to keep up with the quick pace forever. Al’s heartbeat became steadier, and Seth relished it even more. He thought his and Al’s heartbeats might have begun to beat in the same rhythm.

Eventually, Al pulled away, and Seth couldn’t blame him. As he straightened himself into a more reasonable position, he felt an ache at the base of his spine and in his shoulders. He wouldn’t be sore long, a benefit to being a wolf, but it also wasn’t pleasant.

Al stretched, face scrunching up at the soreness of his own muscles. Seth watched, captivated at the sight. Al’s shirt rode up far enough to show a strip of skin, and Seth forced himself to glance away, his cheeks darkening.

They each leaned back against the tree again, resuming their previous positions. Seth stared across at another tree instead of looking at Al, and Al mimicked him. This time their arms overlapped, with Al’s arm and shoulder pressing Seth’s into the tree. The bark against his skin wasn’t an altogether pleasant feeling, but feeling Al’s weight and warmth against him was enough to keep Seth from protesting.

“My parents are assholes,” Al exclaimed out of nowhere. Seth couldn’t help but let out a short laugh at the indignant tone of Al’s voice. His voice held more anger than sadness, like he had become surer of his own feelings and cared less about his parents. It seemed like an abrupt change from minutes ago, but Seth had a feeling this had been there all along, buried under the sadness.

Al was strong. He would be okay with or without the support of his parents. It would make life more difficult in some ways but not impossible.

“Maybe your mom would take me in,” Al joked. “We could have sleepovers every night.”

Seth laughed, pretending like the suggestion, as unrealistic as it was, didn’t send a shiver of excitement through him.

“Somehow, I don’t imagine your parents would let that happen.”

Al sighed. “You’re right. They can’t try to convince me I’m straight when they’re letting me live with a gay guy, can they?”

Seth bit his lip. He hated that the words had been so close to the truth despite the joking tone of Al’s voice.

“Ah, well,” Al continued, “your mom would lock us up in different rooms anyway. Make sure we couldn’t sneak around at night and do whatever it is parents worry about.”

Seth’s whole body gave a noticeable twitch, but Al didn’t comment on it, only smirked briefly before controlling his features. Of all the embarrassing moments Seth had experienced around Al, having that visible of a reaction to a vague allusion to sex might have been the most mortifying. His entire body felt hot, hotter than normal that was. It was like he’d taken a dip in a pool full of lava. That would have been a less painful experience.

Seth attempted to hum an affirmative to Al, but it came out strangled. Al looked like he was trying to hold back a laugh, and Seth glanced away from him, trying to rein himself back in. After a minute or so, his heart had slowed, but he still felt remnants of embarrassment.

“We should go,” he said, heart lurching when he could see disappointment on Al’s face. “It’s going to be dark soon enough. You have a curfew.”

Al frowned. He complained about his curfew more than he complained about anything else. He was one of the few wolves to have one that was set in stone. By now, most of them had worked their way out of the curfews set by their parents, especially if that curfew was set by a parent who knew the truth. But Al’s didn’t, and the curfew was their strictest rule. Al was never allowed to be out much later than sunset.

“Right,” Al said, making the first move to stand up. Seth took his offered hand, wishing he didn’t have to drop it once he was on his feet. “You’re right. God knows how much worse my parents would be if I were late today.”

Seth could detect a hint of genuine worry in his voice. He bumped his shoulder against Al’s.

“Get away from them as soon as you can,” Seth advised him. “Go to your room and text me.”

Al offered him a grateful smile and a, “Thank you,” before disappearing in the direction of his house.

Seth felt a strange mix of emotions as he made his own way home. That wasn’t uncommon after spending time with Al. Al made Seth feel everything in a way Seth had never known was possible.

His phone buzzed as soon as he’d locked himself in his room. Throwing himself down on his bed, he read the message, **Pretty much ignored me. In room now.** Another one followed before Seth could reply. **My parents have put me in a mood and I’ve been thinking. I can’t do this by myself. What if we came out to everyone together?** And immediately after that, as if Al were panicking as he typed it, **Not that we have to if you don’t want. Just an idea. We don’t have to.**

Seth’s heart hammered in his chest, but there was no hesitance in his reply.

**Of course we can.**

A reply from Al took a long time to come. Seth imagined Al sitting in his room, struggling to decide what he should write back. Then, it came.

 **Okay.** And immediately afterward, **Thank you.**

It was a simple response that Seth might have felt was inadequate if the situation was different. But all he could think about was how hard it must have been for Al to initiate this conversation, and that made Seth feel lighter. Al wanted them to come out together. That felt huge. It wasn’t like it meant anything more than that we were friends, yet that wasn’t what it felt like at all.


	11. Chapter 11

The decision to come out together turned out to not be that simple. After getting assurance from Seth that they could do it together, Al seemed to develop a strong drive to accomplish it as soon as possible.

“I’ve told my parents. They were shit about it. Can’t get worse, right?” he told Seth on one of their walks home. Despite the faux confidence, his voice trembled. “I just want to get it out of the way.”

“And do it when? Tomorrow?” Seth had been joking. When Al said he wanted to do it soon, Seth had been surprised, but even then he hadn’t been expecting it to be that soon. But Al bit his lip, and Seth realized that tomorrow would be a feasible option if he gave in right now.

Seth sighed. “We’re not ready. Or at least I’m not ready.”

“You came out to your mom and sister before I came out to my family,” Al pointed out almost angrily. “It’s been more than four months. How isn’t that long enough?”

There was no logical answer to that question. All Seth had was how he felt, and he told Al as much. “I don’t know. I just don’t feel ready. I don’t think it’s time yet.”

“Don’t think it’s time yet or are too scared?”

There was no way to interpret Al’s tone as anything but confrontational. His pitch had heightened, and his brow had furrowed. They’d never argued before. There had been a few minor disagreements, but nothing that had caused Al to look as worked up as he did now. Seth’s own posture began to stiffen and mimick Al. He kept his mouth shut in an attempt to stop himself from snapping and saying something he would regret, although he already had a feeling he would regret this entire conversation.

“Maybe I am too scared,” Seth admitted. He had wanted it to sound annoyed instead of weak, but a slight tremble managed to work its way into his voice. “So what? Would you really shame me for that, Al? Really? After everything?”

It was like Seth had managed to pop a balloon. Al’s shoulders began to droop, losing some of their tension, and his eyes dropped towards the ground. He let out a long breath.

“No,” Al muttered at the ground instead of Seth. “I wouldn’t mock you ever. I just-I just feel so desperate.”

Seth glanced around them with a sigh, making sure no one was around to see what was happening. That was the last thing they needed. They’d paused to argue along a stretch of street that was only ever traveled on by those who lived along it. Al’s house was the next one down, but it wasn’t visible from where they stood.

Al looked like a wolf with his tail between his legs, but Seth couldn’t get rid of the last vestiges of anger. He knew he would eventually, but in the moment, he couldn’t forgive Al. He needed some space and time away from him to clear his head and get over what had just happened. He had never expected such a comment to come from Al, and it felt like the most terrible sting he’d ever received.

“Look, I’ll see you later. We can talk then, okay?”

Seth’s voice still sounded angry. He couldn’t control it when there was still so much anger in the pit of his stomach. Al cringed without looking up from the ground.

“Okay,” he whispered, turning around without glancing up at Seth for even the briefest of seconds. Despite how angry he felt, Seth felt a stir of regret at that. Part of him wanted to reach out for Al and hug him, help him feel better. Watching him walk away looking dejected felt painful, but it was mixed up with the anger. Seth didn’t know how he should be reacting or what he wanted. He felt so many things, and none of them aligned with each other.

He kept his head down as he cut through the woods behind Al’s house. He was out of sight if Al was glancing out any windows. He couldn’t bring himself to use the street for that very reason. But he still felt self-conscious as he passed by where he knew the house to be.

The mess of emotions within him were warring away when he made it home.

He had to patrol in only an hour. That knowledge made everything worse. He was with Quil today, one of the wolves who could get inside his head and who was obtuse enough to push Seth about what was wrong with him. He couldn’t show any signs of what had just happened, but he couldn’t calm himself down like he usually did.

He buried his face in his pillow, hoping that would block the world out. He wished he could leave the world completely. Only after thinking it did he realize how terrible of a thought it was. He hadn’t meant it that way, but he desperately wanted to sleep and get away from it all for whatever amount of time he could.

Al had become Seth’s lifeline in a sense. The one person he could trust to share his feelings with. They weren’t supposed to judge each other; they were supposed to understand each other. But Al had gone and shattered that illusion. Now Seth felt stupid, like he’d expected too much. Maybe it was impossible for any one person to never judge you. They would all get mad and say hurtful things, the things that you had been absolutely sure that they, above everyone else in the world, would never say.

He felt foolish, like some dumb child who still had a tendency to view the world as an inherently good place. Try as he could, Seth couldn’t shake that sense. He’d become jaded in many ways. He knew there were bad people in the world. Not everyone had the potential to be nice like he had once thought, but Seth still tended to view people as good until they proved they weren’t. He still viewed everything as good, as positive, until he was forced to view it differently.

Everyone viewed Seth as someone who viewed the world in shades of light without darkness. At least they had until recently when he’d become disillusioned with such a view. But what they didn’t know was that the change didn’t go as deep as they thought it did. Try as he might, Seth couldn’t abandon the belief he’d cultivated for years of a world that was inherently a good place. That belief had become worn at the edges. Seth had tried many times to tear it to pieces, but it always mended itself, damage or no damage. Seth couldn’t change the way his mind had become wired to work.

And that led him to shitty situations like this where he got let down. Even shittier was that he blamed himself. He was the one who had placed Al on a pedestal, believing that Al alone would never hurt him. This was Seth’s fault more than Al’s, who couldn’t help being a flawed human being. That was what Seth’s innermost thoughts kept telling him, even as Seth tried to sort through how messed up it was to blame himself for something Al did that hurt him.

If anything had changed by the time Seth left for patrol, it was only that his thoughts had become darker. His mind was a jumbled mess that not even he could sort through. Skipping patrol wasn’t an option though. Seth prided himself on being reliable. He was, perhaps, a bit too eager to please, always feeling like he needed to prove himself worthy to the older wolves. That had become especially true after having to beg Jake for a permanent place in his pack.

He knew Jake would never force him back into Sam’s pack after it had been so long, but he’d never shaken off the feeling of needing to be adequate enough to prove to Jake that he had made the right choice.

His only saving grace was that his thoughts might be enough of a mess for Quil to tune him out. No one would want to have this going on in their head, that was for sure. If Quil did bother to pay attention, he ]wouldn’t be able to make any more sense of it than Seth could. That was what he kept telling himself as he ambled into the woods and prepared to phase.

 _Took you long enough_ , Quil shot at him as soon as he was a wolf.

When Seth had left the house, the hands of the clock had ticked right onto the hour. By now it would have been one or two minutes past their assigned patrol time. Quil had left Seth waiting longer than that before, so Seth felt justified in not dignifying Quil with a response.

Instead, he kept his thoughts on putting one foot (or paw) in front of the other, on not running into any trees, and in following the usual path around the perimeter of the reservation. It should have been easy to tell that Seth wasn’t in the mood for conversation.This was classic behavior for any of the wolves when they didn’t want to be sharing their thoughts with the others but had no choice in the matter.

Quil knew that, but he still rambled on as if Seth was going to respond. At first, Seth was annoyed, wanting to be left in silence. Then he started to realize that the more Quil went on, the easier it was to focus on the stupid stories Quil recounted than on his own, dangerous thoughts.

They did the required laps around the reservation, not detecting anything out of the ordinary. By the time Seth was heading home again, Quil was on his tenth ridiculous story of the evening. This one about the time Claire had wanted a “real” tea party, and Quil had ruined the tea by pouring the leaves directly into the water and then not knowing that he should attempt to remove them before drinking it.

Seth was in a better mood. He’d forgotten how easy talking to Quil could be. When he finally reached the edge of the woods and was preparing to phase back, Quil sent him one last thought.

_Glad you’re feeling better._

It had been such a casual thought. Quil phased out immediately afterward, and it was clear that he had thought it more out of instinct than having prepared some inspirational words or anything stupid like that. But it caught Seth by surprise, causing him to freeze in place for a moment, phasing back no longer his primary concern.

Everything was quiet in his head now. His worries had been pushed aside, and there were no longer the thoughts of another invading. For the first time, Seth realized that Quil’s stories might not have been about Quil’s own inability to shut up, whether that was spoken or inside his own head. While that had certainly been part of it, maybe Quil had been attempting to cheer Seth up too. That struck Seth when he’d been so closed off about telling the other guys what was wrong over the past year and then some.

So much of his facade hinged on them not caring enough to poke around and question him, but the idea that they did care even if they allowed him the freedom to not explain himself left him feeling much better after the roller coaster of a day he’d had.

Phasing back, Seth kept a small smile on his face as he made his way out of the woods and back home.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Those who have read the Forever stories have gotten a lot of this chapter from Leah's POV, but of course, Seth's outlook on it is much different from Leah's. I hope you enjoy it all the same.

But the relief Seth got that night was short lived. Al continued to be adamant that he wanted to come out, and Seth continued to be unable to quell his fears enough to join him. All they did anymore was argue over it, and spending time with Al had become more of an emotional drain than something Seth looked forward to.

When he got told about the pack meeting at lunch, he’d known. Jake had told them all that Al had come to him asking for a meeting after school that day, and as Jake said it, Embry tossed a quick, suspicious glance at Seth. Not only did Seth know what this was about, Embry did too. By now, he’d given up hope that Embry hadn’t figured it out, but he did still hope that the others were in the dark. None of them looked at him the way Embry had, but they also acted as if Al asking for a pack meeting wasn’t strange, like they had seen this coming. And that made Seth wonder what they were thinking.

Seth spent the rest of the day gearing himself up for a one-on-one walk to Jake’s house with Al. On that walk, he would demand Al explain to him what the hell was going on before they got to the meeting and Seth got told with everyone else.

Yes, they had been arguing. Yes, Al had been determined to come out as soon as possible. But he’d never told Seth he was going to do it. The last time they’d talked Al had still sounded adamant about coming out with Seth. Why hadn’t Al told him he was going to do it? Seth would have been angry with him, but it wouldn’t have been anything like this.

He felt betrayed, yet at the same time, he wasn’t sure if that was a fair reaction for him to have. This was Al’s decision, he tried to tell himself that, but it didn’t seem to mean anything to him.

The chance to confront Al never came. The guys had gotten it into their heads that, since they were all heading to Jake’s anyway, they might as well go there from school together. Embry, Jake, and Quil usually left school together, and the younger members of the pack had no problem becoming tag-alongs. Seth tried to avoid it, hoping that Al, who lagged behind the rest of the group, would split off and come join him instead. They would lag far enough behind that they were kind of alone for a brief period of time.

Al didn’t approach him apart from the group, and it didn’t take long before Jake yelled at him to hurry up so they could leave. Seth realized that he wasn’t getting out of this strange pack activity they had tacked onto the meeting.

It was to be expected that he wound up tagging along behind everyone else just like Al. The two of them walked side-by-side the entire way there, eyes focused anywhere but on each other. The other guys were talking with each other. Robbie, the youngest of their pack who was about to celebrate his twelfth birthday, was telling terrible joke after terrible joke in an attempt to impress the others. The attempt didn’t work, but they humored him anyway. Seth cringed, knowing that he used to be the same way when he was Robbie’s age.

Robbie was queer too.

It had been necessary for Al to point that out before Seth realized it, but now it seemed obvious. Robbie didn’t have what Al and Seth had. He hadn’t come to either one of them about his sexuality, and they hadn’t reached out to him. Part of Seth was too scared that they were wrong, that Robbie would judge them. Or maybe he and Al would say more than Robbie was prepared to deal with.

But Seth watched him when he patrolled. He’d picked up on the clues within Robbie’s thoughts that reminded him so much of himself and of Al. He also picked up on the fear. Robbie tried to hide it, but he hadn’t gotten as good at it as either Seth or Al had, possibly because of his age. The other guys had to know, but no one showed any signs of it.

Seth was glad about that. He thought he’d become protective of Robbie if the situation warranted it, and he’d probably out himself in the process. That possibility had entered his imagination more than a few times.

If Robbie realized what the meeting was about, then he was a much better actor as a human than as a wolf. He showed no signs of the trepidation that Seth felt despite it not being him who was about to come out to the pack.

They reached Jake’s house, and everyone piled onto the furniture. Coming in last, Seth and Al were forced to squeeze into what limited space was available. Seth took a seat next to Robbie. Al sat down on the opposite side of the room, far away but in a position that gave Seth the perfect opportunity to watch him without looking suspicious.

“Leah’s on her way,” Jake informed them, looking up from his phone.

Of course, Seth’s own sister was the last missing piece of their pack. His mind had been too preoccupied with what was going to happen to think about the fact that Leah was missing. Now her absence felt large. As soon as she got there, everything would happen. Her arrival was shrouded in anxious anticipation.

Seth took the time afforded to them to observe Al’s demeanor. The other guys had continued on with the same loud conversation they’d been having outside, and Al watched them with a slight frown, not participating anymore than Seth was. A couple of times he would try to laugh when the others did and fail before his face settled back into his frown.

By the time Leah made it from Port Angeles, everyone had given up on normal conversation. The suffocating silence had everyone desperate for it to end, and when Leah entered the house, each eye was on her. Her gaze roved over us, taking in the pathetic scene. She shifted her eyes downward as if the awkwardness left her feeling uncomfortable despite it not being centered around her.

She squeezed through the crowded room and made a space for herself between Seth and Robbie. Seth noticed her glance at Robbie as she did so, and only then did he realize that she suspected something about the boy. For a moment, he thought he might ask her about it later, but he pushed the thought from his mind. It didn’t feel right to do that. If he was going to find anything out, it should have been from Robbie himself. Robbie deserved that.

Nothing changed for a good few minutes after Leah arrived. The room felt even quieter, and everyone kept sneaking glances at Al before looking away again as if they might be putting too much pressure on him with their looks alone. No one was eager to push him to talk before he was ready.

Finally, Al took a deep breath, and every eye in the room snapped to him much like they had Leah earlier, sensing that he was going to do it.

Shifting in his seat one more time, Al spoke, causing Seth to clench his fists as his heart lurched in his chest.

“Right. So, I need to tell you guys something. Something kind of big. I guess. It could be considered big. It doesn’t have to be big. But I do need to tell you about it. So it’s kind of big.”

Al’s face was as flushed as Seth had ever seen it, and he couldn’t stop moving around in his seat. It was like every part of him couldn’t be still as he glanced anywhere but at their faces. Seth thought Al would have continued to avoid the real admission much longer by rambling on about nonsense if Quil hadn’t spoken up.

“Just say it, Al.”

It was said in more of an annoyed voice than an encouraging one, and Seth had to bite his lip to keep from lashing out at Quil in response. He fully believed that Al should be given all the time he needed. He would have sat there for three days if that’s how long it took. This whole situation had him picturing himself in Al’s place, hopefully, not long in the future, and he could already experience the terror coursing through Al’s veins. It wasn’t as simple as just saying it, but none of the guys would be able to understand that.

The words didn’t cause Al’s nervous movements to stop. He nodded though, even as his eyes continued to avoid them.

“I’m bisexual.”

The words were blurted out instead of carefully said, like Al could only do it if he didn’t stop to think about what he was saying.

Seth couldn’t bring himself to watch Al, sensing how uncomfortable the boy felt. Instead, Seth watched the others. None of them had turned away from Al. They all kept their gazes on him, concern showing in their eyes. Everyone understood how difficult this had been for Al, and no one was making light of it. This was one of those moments where Seth realized that this was the type of reaction he should have been expecting, but he hadn’t been able to stop himself from picturing the worst before he saw this with his own eyes.

“Well,” Jake said with a false cheerfulness, trying to break the tension in the room, “now that’s out of the way, how’s school going for everyone?”

Seth didn’t have much of a reaction to the question except to look at Jake blankly, amazed that that was what he’d gone with out of everything he could have said. It was like they’d just met, and Jake was trying to initiate small talk within the room. None of the guys had asked Seth how school was going since...ever. None of them cared enough to listen to anything besides the vaguest of answers.

After a few moments of everyone staring at Jake in incredulity, it was Embry who answered, “It’s going okay,” in the same tone one would expect from someone who was humoring the person who had asked the question.

Somehow, Jake’s and Embry’s efforts did manage to break up the tension, encouraging the others to begin speaking amongst each other as well.

But Seth didn’t participate in any of the conversations, even once Al got over his trepidation and began laughing with the guys too. A sense of darkness had settled over Seth’s thoughts. He hadn’t known this was coming, and he didn’t know how to handle it. While he was unsure what he would have done with a warning, his brain was convinced that he would have figured out a way to better cope if he’d had some time. He knew he would have.

So instead of talking, Seth hung back and watched Al all night, not knowing how to act around the person he had come to consider his best friend.

Al didn’t meet his gaze even once, and that only put Seth in a worse mood. By the time he’d managed to get himself out of the house, he felt like complete shit and wasn’t in the mood to deal with anything anymore.

If anyone knew what that felt like, it should have been his sister. Leah had been stuck in a similar state for more than a year. She felt better these days, a change Seth contributed to many things, among them college and Embry, but her better attitude towards life seemed to have made her less sensitive to the negative feelings of others. She wasn’t going to leave it alone and let Seth sulk. Seth knew that the second they left Jake’s house and he saw how she was watching him as they walked towards home.

They had just made it out of earshot of Jake’s house before Leah was talking.

“So, you’re not alone I guess.”

It struck Seth then that Leah hadn’t known. He’d known that obviously, but it still came as a shock when she said it like that. She knew about him, and everyone knew about Al after tonight. But Seth hadn’t stopped to think about how no part of the night had been him or Al disclosing the fact that Seth had known about Al for a year.

Which meant that Leah didn’t know either. At least not explicitly. After she’d revealed that she’d known everything before Seth came out to her, he’d wondered if she suspected him and Al. Maybe that was the reason she was making him talk about it, and it wasn’t out of sympathy.

“Al is bi, not gay. That’s not the same thing,” Seth snapped.

He wasn’t sure why he was short with her other than the fact that he felt like yelling at everyone for anything. There was anger welling up inside him at the thought that Leah was speculating about him in her mind, trying to figure out about him and Al. It was unjustified. He couldn’t know for sure if she was doing it, but if she was, Seth couldn’t blame his sister for having thoughts.

Now that she knew about both him and Al, there was no reason for Seth to keep the truth from her except that he just didn’t want to tell her. It had less to do with not wanting Leah to know than it did not wanting to talk about it at all. He didn’t even want to think about it. That’s why he was eager to get home and lose consciousness for as many hours as he could get away with.

Leah didn’t say anything else the rest of the way home, sensing that Seth would only get angry with her if she tried. Seth didn’t even notice that she had stopped speaking. The only thing running through his mind was Al and how messed up things would be now that he’d broken his promise.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a very short chapter, but I hope you enjoy it nonetheless. And for anyone who's also reading You and I Could Live Forever, you should be getting the penultimate chapter in the next day or two.

When Seth went to bed that night, he’d had no idea what was going to happen the next day. As late as Friday afternoon, he wasn’t sure if he was going to wait for Al after school or not. In the end, he did because Al had him stupidly whipped when they weren’t even close to being together. That thought only made Seth angrier at him.

As it turned out, he didn’t have to make the decision to wait. In a strange twist of fate, Al was waiting for him outside of school. His gaze zeroed in on Seth as soon as he came out of the school doors. Al made a beeline for him as if worried he would hurry off if he wasn’t stopped by someone.

“Hey,” Al said in a falsely cheerful voice.

Seth couldn’t help but smile and glance around the school grounds. They were only feet away from the door, and at least half the student body hadn’t left yet. This felt different from their usual meeting spot down the street and around the curve, out of sight.

“Hi.” Seth cringed at how strange his voice sounded. It was quieter and less confident than usual, more like how he’d greeted Al a year ago rather than two weeks ago. But he pushed on. “You seem to be doing well.”

Despite how he felt, there was a measure of real pleasure inside the comment. It made him happy to see Al come out and everything go well. He was still in the closet at school. Not even the younger members of Sam’s pack that he hung out with knew, but just knowing that more supportive people knew seemed to have left Al feeling happier than before. There was this glow about him. Seth would have scoffed at anyone claiming that could be true until he was seeing it for himself. He thought that was an exaggerated nonsense people used to describe pregnant people.

But he got it now. There was this happy energy that Al radiated as he tried to keep his face neutral to spare Seth’s feelings. No one could have looked at him and not seen it.

“I am,” Al replied, still trying and failing to keep any signs of happiness off his face.

Seth sighed. This was pointless. 

“Stop trying to spare my feelings,” he told Al, turning away from the school and in the direction of both of their homes. Al hesitated for a second, not sure if he was meant to follow or not, but he took a few hesitant steps and, when Seth didn’t protest, hurried to catch up with him.

“I really am sorry though,” Al continued, voice sounding desperate. It was the first time Seth had detected signs of anything other than happiness or the hesitance from earlier in Al’s demeanor.

“I figured, but acting like you’ve broken me isn’t helping anything.”

Al paused for a minute, having to run to catch up with Seth all over again.

“I don’t think I broke you. I could never break you. You’re too strong for that.”

Seth’s breath caught in his throat. He hadn’t been expecting much of an answer to his comment, but he certainly hadn’t been expecting one like that. He hated Al’s ability to say things that left his stomach fluttering during the wrong moments, i.e. when he wanted to be angry at him.

Seth wasn’t as sure that he was that strong, but saying so would make him sound like he was being down on himself. Saying it was true sounded too cocky. There was no good response.

What ended up coming out of Seth’s mouth next was, “Well, you didn’t,” in the most petulant tone he could manage. The second he said it, he knew it had been a bad idea. Al’s frown deepened. He looked away from Seth and down at the pavement of the road.

Neither one of them said anything else until they reached Al’s house.

Then, Al hesitated before he said, “I just hope we both wind up happy sooner rather than later.”

Seth didn’t have much of a reaction as the words were said. Al watched him, and he sighed when he saw that Seth wasn’t going to respond. He turned away and headed into the house. Seth, who usually watched Al until he closed the front door behind him, went on his way as soon as Al was walking away from him, not sure what he was supposed to think about what Al had said.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is another one of those chapters where you'll already know what's happening if you've read the Forever series, but once again, you get it from Seth's POV instead of Leah's. I hope you enjoy it all the same. This scene always was, after all, more about Seth than Leah.

It took until Sunday night for Seth to figure out what it was he thought about what Al had said and to realize what he needed to do about it. Not what he needed to do for Al but what he needed to do for himself.

“I just hope we both wind up happy sooner rather than later.”

The words that had initially prompted no reaction now repeated themselves in a never ending loop inside of Seth’s head.

He wasn’t going to be as happy as he could be until he was out. Until then, any happiness he felt would be a faded imitation of real happiness. Seth could tell that much from the massive amount of relief and happiness and positive emotion he had felt after coming out to only Al, Leah, and his mom.

Al wanted that for him, but more importantly, Al wanted it for himself. Seth couldn’t begrudge Al that, couldn’t continue to be angry for coming out when he knew he needed to.

Seth wasn’t sure if he was going to be able to go through with what he knew he needed to do come Monday morning. His mom and Charlie had left for work by the time Seth made it downstairs, leaving Seth with his thoughts in the quiet of the kitchen. He’d made the call as soon as he double checked to make sure that they were gone and that Leah remained asleep upstairs, not capable of overhearing. But even after the call, after setting it into motion, Seth thought he might go back upstairs and burrow into his bed instead of leave for school that morning. Jake could forget that Seth had woken him up at such an early hour. He’d chalk it up to a strange dream.

Everything would be fine. Everything would be the same.

So consumed by his thoughts was he that his typically excellent hearing didn’t alert him that Leah was awake until she was entering the kitchen fully dressed and ready for the day.

“What? Your supernatural senses had to have alerted you that I was awake,” she jabbed at him. The smile on her face was goodnatured with just a hint of the brashness that she struggled to shake off after all this time. She was a happier person, by far, than she had been a couple years ago, but Seth sometimes wondered if her personality had been irreversibly shifted by what had happened to her.

It probably happened to all of them. Leah’s was just an obvious change.

She made a beeline past the table and towards the coffee maker, still half full and hot from when Charlie had made it first thing that morning. This wasn’t a typical scene for them on a school morning. Usually, Leah was moving around the kitchen before Seth made it down, having to leave before him in order to run all the way to school in Port Angeles.

If he was questioned about when Leah woke up each morning, Seth wouldn’t have been able to answer. It was at some ridiculous hour when no one should have to be awake. Except he had been today, and he still didn’t know when she’d gotten up. He’d lost track of how long he’d been sitting in the kitchen, staring down at the table as if it would provide him with answers. If it weren’t for Leah’s presence, he wouldn’t have known whether or not he was currently missing school.

He’d been flirting with the idea of just sitting there and never finding out until the sun was streaming in through the window over the sink like it always did in the late morning. A time when school would have long since started.

But Leah was nothing if she wasn’t brash, and as soon as she sat down with her coffee, Seth knew he was going to be forced to confront reality today. He didn’t wait for her to initiate the conversation.

“I’ve called for a pack meeting after school today. Jake’s telling the others. So, if you could run home right after your classes, that’d be great.”

He’d tried not to reveal how close he was to shitting his pants as he said it, but Leah stared at him like she saw everything. Seth shifted under her gaze. It was almost like she didn’t approve of his choice, but that couldn’t be it. She’d been pushing for this for ages in small ways. Seth had been able to tell that much whether she told him so or not.

She muttered a quiet, “shit,” under her breath, and Seth realized that she was surprised, like she hadn’t had any faith that he would do it. He hadn’t had that faith either, yet here they were.

“You’re going to do it then?” she asked. Seth could have missed the slight intonation of the question that made her sound like she was impressed with him. Seth wasn’t sure why. She’d found him having an existential crisis before the sun have risen.

Maybe it should have cheered him up, made him feel more capable than he had felt last night while he tossed and turned in bed. It didn’t. It just made him want to avoid her gaze, becoming intrigued by the surface of the table they sat at instead.

“I’m going to do it,” Seth confirmed to the table rather than to Leah. On the edges of his vision, he could see her trying to look him in the eye, to get him to lift his head. He wouldn’t. He wasn’t sure why he felt terrified of having said this much to Leah when she already knew. It wasn’t her he was coming out to.

It took a few moments for Seth to realize that it wasn’t talking to Leah that was scaring him. Saying it out loud made it feel real. That was why his chest was tight, constricting his breathing. This was going to happen, and every cell in his body was screaming in fear.

He heard Leah sigh once it became apparent that he wasn’t going to look at her.

“That’s great,” she said, attempting a cheerful voice that sounded unnatural coming from her. “It’ll be a lot easier afterwards. Everyone took it fine with Al, not like it’ll be any different for you.”

Seth knew that she meant for her words to be encouraging, a reminder that things would go as well for him as they had Al. But recently, Seth had struggled to take comments how they were meant instead of how they sounded to his ears. Whenever Leah, Al, or anyone else tried to act understanding, Seth could hardly resist the urge to yell at them that they didn’t understand. Not even Al really. They were different. Their experiences were different, and increasingly so it seemed.

When Seth looked up from the table, Leah’s eyes widened at the look of anger and frustration she saw, but she controlled it quickly, morphing her face into the mask she had perfected.

“It is different though. Al is bi. I’m gay. That’s not the same thing.”

Leah’s eyes narrowed in confusion. Seth had known that she wouldn’t understand. She couldn’t. The truth was that there was more that was different about Seth than there had been Al. The difference in their sexualities was just the easiest part of this mess for Leah to observe. Everything else was too personal; revealing his feelings to Leah would involve revealing too much.

For that reason alone, Seth wasn’t going to be able to make Leah understand. He didn’t think it would have been worth the effort anyway. It was stupid to believe that anyone could understand what he was feeling without being inside of his head.

He wanted to laugh at himself. He did have people inside of his head. Regularly. Including Leah. But that was different. He didn’t actually let them in, and he didn’t plan to do so at any point in the future.

When Leah looked posed to speak again, Seth was dreading the words.

“Well, no. But it’s still coming out. You’re worried about their reaction to you liking guys, right? Al was worried about our reaction to him liking guys, not girls. So…”

Seth didn’t have a response, could only stare at Leah as if willing her to continue with that response. Not for the first time, he wished that someone else could tell him that they understood why he was upset, even if he hadn’t sat down and explained the whole story from his own point-of-view.

“You’re not going to get it,” he told her with finality. That was all there was to it.

She accepted it. That was as positive of a reaction as Seth could have hoped for. In fact, Leah didn’t speak again until she was getting ready to head out the door. Whether that was from frustration with him or a sense that Seth didn’t want to talk, Seth couldn’t be sure, but he thought it was the later. Either that or Leah’s ability to hide her anger had gotten better in a short time frame.

Seth watched as she washed her coffee mug and breakfast plate in the sink, but he cast his eyes downward when she turned back around to face the rest of the kitchen. She made to walk past him, but she paused once she was behind his chair, placing a hand on his shoulder and squeezing it. It was the closest thing to physical affection that Leah had given him since he was twelve.

“I want things to be easy for you, Seth. Coming out should help with that in the long run, so I’m happy you’re doing it. But I’m sorry that doing it is so hard.”

He struggled to nod in reply, feeling his heartbeat speed up as she spoke. Leah dropped her hand immediately. As soon as she was out the front door, Seth let his head fall down to the table, feeling the cool surface against his forehead. It was difficult to breathe like this, but Seth welcomed the fleeting feeling of rest that the position provided him.

It wasn’t the words coming out of Leah’s mouth that had caused him to have such a reaction. Was what Leah had said not a close mirror of the exact thing Seth had figured was fueling Al before? It had taken several days for Seth’s anger towards Al to dissipate, and that had been because of his realization that Al wanted for him what Leah had just described wanting for him.

Sometimes being gay felt isolating when Seth stopped to think about how few gay people he knew. Being in the closet only made it worse because he had to pretend he wasn’t different when he was. While the rational part of Seth’s brain always knew he had people who cared, the rest of his brain didn’t let him feel that way.

Now that those feelings had been brought to the forefront, he let the feeling wash over every part of him it could reach, enjoying the warmth. Not that he would have admitted as much to Leah, but Seth almost felt like he could come out to their pack now.

That was a feeling he hoped he could hold onto for the rest of the day.


	15. Chapter 15

As it turned out, the feeling of being able to conquer his fears didn’t stick around as long as Seth would have hoped. When he joined Jake, Quil, and Embry to wait for the first bell to ring, they were in the middle of a conversation that Seth didn’t realize the topic of until it was too late: Jake was informing them about the meeting Seth had asked for.

Their eyes each flickered to Seth when they realized he was approaching them, and Seth swore all three of them looked at him a millisecond longer than was normal. Seth’s stomach churned as they each turned away. It was obvious they were trying to provide him with space, but the obviousness of it made it that much more uncomfortable.

It had been difficult for Seth to hang on to the vestiges of optimism he’d had as he walked to school. The last of it faded into oblivion, forcing him to put on a falsely brave and happy smile.

He didn’t mention what he’d heard them talking about, just tried to laugh along as Quil told some mildly funny joke. He glanced over at Al as if he’d known where to find him before he saw him. Their eyes met, and Seth knew that Al was aware of the pack meeting. Jake had to have found the younger guys before Seth had gotten there.

Al looked him up and down, causing Seth to feel rather like he had been placed on display. On any other day, the action might have excited him. As it was, Seth knew that Al was more than likely looking for any clues as to whether or not Seth would manage to go through with it. The nausea in his stomach increased as he thought about the signs Al would be picking up on. Almost like a self-fulfilling prophecy, it made him more of a wreck.

The rest of the day was a series of brief respites and moments of pure panic with more moderate levels of dread in between. By the time the final bell of the day rang, Seth had taken fifty years off his life from the stress. He tried to use that thought to cheer himself up. That meant far fewer years left if this went horribly wrong.

The idea didn’t comfort him as much as he had hoped it would.

Their trek to Jake’s house was identical to the one they’d taken just four days ago as Al prepared to come out. Al looked as nervous as he had then. The only difference was that his eyes kept flickering to and from Seth, showing what he was worried about this time.

They were again behind the rest of the pack, and the pack was again joking amongst themselves in a manner that Seth found too cheerful for what was about to happen.

If he’d thought he understood how Al was feeling on Thursday, he could share the experience now. Somehow, it was more terrifying than he had expected, and he had expected the worst.

That feeling of crushing fear only strengthened as they again waited for Leah. Seth couldn’t look at anyone. He could hardly bring himself to tune into the conversation happening around him. He stared at his hands instead, feeling Al’s eyes stay trained on him as they sat there.

When Leah came, she immediately made her way to Seth, sitting down beside him. She’d done it last week too, but this week was different. Amazingly, Seth felt some of his fear abate now that Leah was next to him. Like she would rip anyone’s head off if they made so much as a badly worded joke about Seth.

Most of the people in La Push found Leah scary more than anything else. Seth was the only one who could appreciate this side of her: the protective side. Ever since they were kids, she’d acted like Seth’s shield. Seth had come to think of that as the biggest reason he was able to maintain his optimism as long as he did, but he wasn’t sure if Leah had thought of it that way. He wasn’t even sure if she knew how much her protectiveness was able to calm him down in that moment.

It took a bit more time after that, but eventually, Seth built himself up enough to speak.

He took a deep breath and said, “I’m gay.”

Two simple words that carried so much meaning. Two syllables that could change everything in Seth’s life for better or worse. He didn’t think he’d realized how much power words could hold until he’d had to contemplate coming out, until he’d had to confront the fact that three letters he used every day could, if arranged just right, inspire strong anger and fear in so many people.

The seconds leading up to the confession had been long enough for Seth’s mind to conjure up worst case scenarios. They’d been convincing enough that Seth expected yelling the first several seconds the words were out of his mouth. Then those several seconds passed. Seth’s thoughts cleared with the knowledge that he’d done it, and he was able to look around the room and see everyone grinning back at him.

Not one of them looked angry. None of them looked at him with nervousness or trepidation. In that second, they just looked like they were happy for him.

It was like coming out to his mom and Leah all over again. The same lightness, the same relief, the same feeling of happiness that seemed unbeatable in that moment.

This wasn’t like the moments following Al’s coming out though. While Jake had been quick to crack a joke that time, this time no one made a sound. The smiles on their faces showed Seth they were happy, but he could also see the way they watched him as if they worried that joking like they had with Al wasn’t the best response.

Perhaps Seth shouldn’t have been surprised that Al was the first one to speak up.

“Good to not be the only one who isn’t straight.”

Seth looked up without glancing away for the first time since he’d spoken, looking Al right in the eyes. Al attempted to smirk at him in an inside joke, but it was strained. There was a look of worry in his eyes that kept him from looking happy. That caused Seth’s stomach to flip again. After Al had come out, he’d been so happy, and here Seth was panicking and freaking everyone out.

A strangled laugh came out of Seth’s mouth at the realization. He was being ridiculous.This whole thing was embarrassing. That one move on Seth’s part emboldened Quil, at last, to speak.

“Honestly, it’s crazy that we got both of you, isn’t it? I guess some of the guys in Sam’s pack could be gay or bi too, and we don’t know it yet, but I don’t think so. Can’t believe we got the two of you.”

Nothing about Quil’s voice sounded malicious or annoyed. He merely sounded amused by the coincidence, but the words caused Seth to shift in his seat again. He didn’t feel as embarrassed as he had several minutes ago. Something about Quil being able to joke in front of him left him feeling sure of himself. That was one thing that hadn’t changed.

Embry didn’t seem to think the same way. He snapped at Quil, startling Seth as he worried about a potential conflict over it. At first, Seth was confused about Embry having such a strong reaction when he should have seen that Seth hadn’t reacted badly, but then Seth, and everyone in the room, followed Embry’s gaze to Robbie.

The youngest wolf in their pack was staring at the floor with his shoulders hunched and a pained expression on his face. Everyone turned away as quickly as they had looked, not wanting to stare when he looked so vulnerable.

Seth caught Al’s eye, and Seth knew they were both thinking the same thing. They’d never sat down to discuss Robbie, and Seth wondered if Al felt as guilty as he did. While Seth still didn’t think it was a wise move to confront Robbie about their suspicions, he couldn’t help feeling guilty that, if Robbie wasn’t straight, he was going through it alone when Seth and Al had managed to find each other.

Quil’s continued rambling pulled Seth’s attention back to the room.

“Which is cool. None of us care. We’ve known for a while anyway. That the two of you like boys, I mean. It’s fine. I was just saying that it’s an interesting coincidence. Rolling a Yahtzee on your first roll is also a coincidence, but it’s an amazing one.”

Everyone in the room stared at Quil in amazement. Seth’s own worries had been usurped as he stared at Quil, trying to figure out how the boy’s thought process worked. In that way, perhaps Quil had been successful.

“Quil,” Embry said again, this time as more of a groan than a sharp order to shut his mouth.

Then, out of nowhere, Seth couldn’t hold it in anymore. He laughed. It felt like pulling the plug that had been holding everything negative inside. The others began laughing not long after him, and it felt good. It was the strongest sense of belonging Seth had experienced in a long time. Maybe since the day they had been prepared to face off against the Volturi together.

Seth glanced over at Robbie, seeing that he was laughing so hard that he had tears in his eyes. Then he looked at Al only to find the other boy looking straight back at him. Seth’s laughter quelled as he took in Al’s amused expression. He’d already stopped laughing. For some reason, he was just watching Seth with fascination instead.

They both smiled at each other for a moment before looking away.


	16. Chapter 16

For the first week after they were both out to their pack, things were good between Seth and Al. Neither one of them brought up the fact that Al had come out without Seth. They just basked in the glory of being out. It was a high that neither one of them wanted to get off of soon, but reality had to show back up eventually.

And show up it did one day after school.

Being out to some people led Seth and Al to feel bolder about their friendship. They weren’t as worried about being seen by others and judged if those people figured out they were queer. At the very least, their pack would have their backs. They still hadn’t told anyone how close they were, but now it was like an open secret, especially with the pack. Even Sam’s pack seemed to have a pretty good idea that there was more going on between Seth and Al than what they had been told.

One day, hopefully soon, they would both come out to everyone, and then it wouldn’t matter.

That had become all Seth could think about anymore: coming out to the world. It had never felt more attainable, and he began to think about the future all the time. It didn’t help that now he didn’t have to disguise his thoughts as much around the rest of the pack because they knew. He still tried not to think about Al while phased. The consequences of that were too embarrassing to think about. But his mind wandered a lot more when it knew there were no significant consequences to it, and these days he was subjected to the same complaints that he share less that the other guys had always received.

Seth and Al didn’t just walk home from school together anymore. They’d taken to going to one or the other’s house, not separating less than twenty minutes after they’d left school.

In the past, their houses had felt off limits. Entering Al’s house for the first time had felt special to Seth in some strange, potentially messed up way. He’d been in plenty of people’s houses, and it had never mattered. It was always just a house.

But this time, after being friends with Al for longer than a year and avoiding it, it had felt special. Seth had taken in Al’s room like it was a shrine, and maybe, in a way, it was. Getting to see Al’s most personal space had felt like it meant something.

When Al had entered Seth’s room for the first time several days later, Seth had remembered his previous feelings and been anxious. He would admit to having kept his room extra clean for the previous couple of days in case this very thing happened, and he stood alert as Al took in their surroundings. As if he needed Al’s approval for things to stay right with the world. Maybe he did.

That had been a week ago. By now they were beginning to feel familiar with the other’s houses, and Seth hadn’t felt self-conscious about letting Al into his on this particular day. When he suggested they go there, he had expected Al to agree, but he hadn’t expected what came after the agreement.

Seth had been debating bringing up the idea of coming out to the world at large since he’d last come out. He just hadn’t been sure how to approach the topic with Al. That wasn’t as much because he was anticipating it to be a big deal as it was a desire to ride out the positive waves from the last one as long as he could before jumping further in.

Today felt like the day though. The day when he began voicing the thoughts that had been running through his mind. It had him buzzed in the best possible way. He didn’t feel a fraction of the fear he had felt during past confessions.

He was feeling brazen enough that he didn’t stop to think about how he could ease into the topic. Instead, he blurted out, “I’ve been thinking about coming out to everyone.”

This appeared to startle Al more than Seth had expected. He looked at Seth with wide eyes.

“When? Soon?”

Seth shrugged. “Sooner rather than later, I would hope. I want to do it.”

Al’s eyes got wider before his shoulders drooped. “I was hoping we could do it together next time.”

Seth’s brow scrunched together in confusion. “We could,” he said. “Actually, I was already thinking we could do it together.”

It took less than a second for Al’s expression to morph from dejected to angry. The nervousness that Seth had wanted to believe was in the past was suddenly causing his stomach to twist into knots all over again.

“Were you not going to talk to me about that?” Al asked.

Seth tried not to cower under Al’s glare, knowing that wouldn’t do anything to help him. The question itself started to stir anger within Seth as well, and he could feel his nerves growing easier to handle as he struggled not to lose his composure.

“I am,” he pointed out, his voice more petulant than was perhaps warranted. A part of his brain reminded him that he was only going to make things worse, but he couldn’t bring himself to care when he felt so offended. “That’s what I’m doing. I brought it up to you.”

“And told me that you want to do it right now.”

“Not right now as in this second,” Seth said, feeling desperate for Al to understand. He had a flicker of a memory back to when Al had first approached him about the two of them coming out together. He’d said something similar then, and it had had a far different outcome than Seth foresaw this conversation having.

Seth continued, “I just want to do it soon. I don’t want to sit around in the closet anymore.”

Al’s anger hadn’t abated. He snorted at Seth’s words. “That wasn’t what you were saying a few weeks ago. You know, when you backed out on me?”

Seth’s heart felt like it had been pierced.

“I didn’t back out of anything. I wasn’t ready.”

“Well, I’m not ready now.”

They’d reached the Clearwater house. Seth didn’t glance over at Al as he unlocked the door and entered the house. It was as quiet as it typically was when he made it home from school. No one else was home yet.

Anger had spread through every inch of Seth’s body. He knew that he’d lost all ability to think rationally. He also knew that he should have sent Al away, so they could have this conversation when they were both thinking clearly. But he didn’t.

There were too many thoughts running through his head, and he felt like he wanted to say all of them at once. He couldn’t send Al away without saying any of them.

In the end, he settled on, “I don’t understand why you’re against the idea. You’re supposed to want this.”

Al was still standing just inside the doorway as if he planned to leave despite having just arrived. That hurt Seth too, although he hadn’t moved far from the door himself. He’d known that the words were stupid, but he couldn’t take them back and apologize. Not when he was convinced that he was right when it came down to the facts.

Al scoffed at him, giving Seth a look that would have had Seth believing that Al hated him if he hadn’t known better.

“I do want it. Obviously. I said I didn’t want to do it right now. I don’t think now is a good time.”

If Seth thought he had any reasonable chance of calming down, it was shattered each time Al spoke. All he wanted to do was shoot back with the first thing that came to his mind in his anger.

“Why not?” he asked, this time with genuine curiosity. Maybe if his head were clearer it would make sense, but in the moment, he couldn’t understand what Al was telling him. None of it made sense. “We’d be riding the wave of the first one. You were the one who came out to the pack first, remember?”

Seth knew as soon as he’d said it that this was the breaking point. He’d gone too far. This wasn’t an argument anymore but a full blown fight. He’d screwed up. He was still angry enough to not feel the full consequences of it, but he knew he’d done it from the hurt that flickered across Al’s face.

“What?” The hurt had quickly been replaced by pure anger. Anger that was above and beyond what either of them had shown up to that point. Seth’s jaw clenched, trying to maintain a stony gaze at Al and not reveal how much he was cursing himself in his thoughts.

“Don’t use that against me!” Al yelled. “That has nothing to do with this. You came out to your mom and Leah months ago, but it took you until now to come out to the pack. Coming out to some people doesn’t mean you have to be out to the world.”

Seth should have shut up. He really should have shut up. He knew that, yet words kept coming out of his mouth.

“No one said anything about the world.”

“That’s what you want though, isn’t it? It’s what you said.”

The pure venom in Al’s question shook Seth to his core. He had no quick response. They both knew the answer. For the first time since their argument had begun, Seth allowed himself to take a deep breath, steeling himself to answer.

“Of course I want to be out to the world,” he replied. “That would be the obvious end goal, but I’m not going to say we have to go that far yet. What I want is to stop lying to the people I’m closest to.”

It felt deeply honest, was the thing. When talking about it with Al before, Seth had never said that their lives felt like a lie. That had only happened in his own head. There, he’d called himself a liar until it weighed down on his conscience. It was one of the few things Seth hadn’t been able to admit to Al.

Now he’d brought it up in the middle of a fight, and it was about to be used against him.

“Neither of us are lying. We never claimed to be straight, right?”

Seth could tell from Al’s tone and the way he continued to glare at him that he was unaware how sensitive of a topic they had stumbled upon. His tone said that Seth was stupid, and Seth felt every ounce of embarrassment that he could feel.

“That’s not the same thing, and you know it.”

“I’m not ready, Seth.”

A piece of Al’s armor cracked, showing how vulnerable he felt at the moment. Seth saw it, but when Al had just been oblivious to Seth’s own feelings, Seth couldn’t bring himself to be sympathetic.

“God, Al. We said we were going to do this together, and then you went and came out to the pack before me-”

“You said you weren’t ready.”

“Yeah, I know, but that doesn’t change the fact that you went and changed your plans on me without talking about it. It was one thing for you to do it on your own, but it was another to abandon our plans to do it together without telling me.”

Al shook his head as if that were an adequate denial. Seth knew nothing Al said was going to be an apology. An apology that Seth had denied needing once things had been resolved. Now it felt like a hastily stitched together wound that Al had ripped open once again.

“You knew I wanted to. I wasn’t going to drag you with me, but I needed to come out.”

“Well, I have to come out to the others now.”

The look on Al’s face became desperate and panicked. “We said we’d wait and do it together.”

“Fucking hypocrite!”

Even Seth was startled by his yell. He wasn’t one to raise his voice. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d done it, and his throat stung from the exertion. Al was just as startled, staring at Seth as if he were looking at a stranger. It both hurt Seth and fueled his anger.

The seconds ticked by on the clock in the living room. The sound was obnoxious as it invaded Seth’s mind. Al had been too shocked by his yell to say anything. He continued staring at Seth with no idea what to do.

“Say something,” Seth urged the second before it became too much.

But Al shook his head, almost tripping as he started hurrying backwards towards the door.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, voice choked up with tears. As soon as the words were out of his mouth, he spun around and ran out of the house.

Seth stared at the door as it slammed shut. He never would have expected him and Al to have a fight like that. It had never happened before. Actually, Seth hadn’t fought like that with very many people in his life. It wasn’t just that it was Al. Seth had no idea what was supposed to happen after this. Was a fight of this magnitude a sign they were no longer friends, or was there a way he was supposed to fix things?

The thoughts filled Seth’s mind, and he took off out the door and into the forest. He couldn’t phase. Some of the guys were patrolling; they’d hear everything, and Al had probably beaten him to it. That was the last thing Seth needed.

Instead, he walked to the meadow. Al wasn’t there, just as Seth had expected. He laid down in the grass and listened to the birds. If he closed his eyes, he could pretend like everything was normal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone's upset over this chapter, I plan to post the next one within the next couple of days. I can't guarantee when because tomorrow is my last final of the semester, and then I have to move out of my dorm and back home for the summer (which includes driving for hours once the actual moving out is finished). We'll see when I'm able to get it up, but I promise it'll be soon.


	17. Chapter 17

After their fight, Seth had forgotten about Al’s birthday party that was set for the following weekend. Technically, it was for Al, Robbie, and Leah, but despite one of them being his sister, it only felt like Al’s to Seth.

His birthday had been the day before their fight. That’s what had made it easy to forget about the party. It had taken Leah banging on his door that morning to remind him of what the day held.

He couldn’t miss the party. Even when he didn’t feel like it, Seth always went to birthday parties. Missing any would have made him feel terrible, like he was letting a friend down. Missing Al’s after everything that had happened would have made him feel even worse. It also would have made everyone wonder what was going on, and Seth had done a lot yesterday to make sure no one thought anything out of the ordinary had happened.

He also thought he had failed miserably, but he was going to keep up the sham as long as he could get away with it.

Jake and Embry had been talking about Al at lunch on Friday. He’d phased while they were patrolling, and they’d been able to feel his anger. He’d managed to conceal more when it came to the source of his anger. They’d spent part of lunch trying to figure out what could have been the cause, and they’d thrown one too many looks in Seth’s direction for him to not have caught them.

That combined with the way Leah looked sympathetic every time she glanced at him, and Seth’s attempts to pretend like nothing had happened were already falling apart.

For one thing, his idea of everything being normal involved him and Al hardly talking to each other when others were around. It was only an added bonus that it kept Seth from having to figure out what to say to him.

Al wasn’t playing by those rules. His eyes stayed on Seth for the entirety the party, only glancing away occasionally. It made Seth conscious of everything he did, and it became a challenge to avoid looking at Al.

He failed eight times. He kept count.

Those eight times weighed on his mind for the rest of the day. Once the party was over and Seth got a moment to himself, he kept seeing Al’s expression each time their eyes had met. It had looked so mournful that Seth might have suspected someone was ill if he hadn’t known the truth.

That had been enough for him to know that Al regretted what had happened. While that hadn’t been enough for Seth to walk up to him at the party, it was enough for Seth to show up at his house several hours after sunset.

Showing up under Al’s window hadn’t been planned per se. After hours of running Al’s expression over in his mind, Seth had snapped and knew he needed to see Al as soon as possible. Otherwise, Al might still look that torn up, and Seth couldn’t live with himself if that were the case.

He’d sent Al a text, but he’d gotten no reply. That had prompted Seth to start pacing in his room until he remembered that Al was on patrol for another hour. Hence why Seth was under his window fifty-five minutes later.

He hadn’t phased to come here. He didn’t want their first conversation after the fight to be in one of the other guy’s heads. That didn’t seem right, and Seth didn’t think he could handle it himself.

When Al came out of the forest, his eyes honed in on Seth immediately, showing that he’d known he was there before he had appeared. He glanced between Seth and the front of the house before he began walking over.

“Why are you over here?” Al asked, again glancing around the side of the house towards the front door. “Why not wait for me on the porch?”

“I didn’t want your parents to see me,” Seth explained, although he thought it should have been obvious. “I wasn’t sure if they’d want me here this late. Especially when they know, you know?”

Al tensed up and replied too quickly, “But nothing like that’s happening between us.”

“I know, I know,” Seth responded hastily and earnestly. He didn’t want Al to think he’d been implying that they were like that. They weren’t, even if Seth had to keep himself from dreaming about it. “I just meant that it’s usual for parents to be cautious about that, right? They might not want any of your friends here so late. Then, if they knew about me too, well…”

They descended into a silence that wasn’t as awkward as Seth had worried it would be. Then, Al spoke.

“They don’t. Know about you, that is. It’s not my place to tell them. I figured they can find out when everyone else does.”

Al’s words warmed Seth to his core, and Seth wasn’t sure why. It’s not like the words or the sentiment were particularly beautiful. Seth hadn’t suspected Al of sitting his parents down to discuss his friend’s sexuality. It’s not like he’d gone and blabbed Al’s to Leah and his mom. There was no reason such a thing would have come up between Al and his parents.

Seth nodded to Al, accepting his words with no comment. Al moved away from him, causing Seth’s heartbeat to speed up in fear he was being left. Then he realized that Al had moved to look into one of the windows.

It was the only one that had had light shining out of it since Seth arrived. He knew it was the living room, and he’d been able to see the flicker of the TV screen as he’d stood waiting. Al got much closer than Seth would have dared. If anyone sitting inside had glanced over at the window, he would have been in their line of sight. But, Seth reminded himself, Al’s parents had normal human vision. They would have struggled to see anything in the darkness of the window.

Al turned back towards Seth with a smile.

“They’re both in there,” he said, motioning to the window with his shoulder. “Watching one of their shows.”

Briefly, Seth thought about how nice it sounded that Al’s parents had shows they considered “theirs.” Seth’s parents hadn’t had that. Neither of his parents particularly enjoyed television. It was rare for them to watch it alone, let alone together. Seth had a brief vision of watching television with Al when they were older, and he cursed himself, pushing the thought from his mind.

It was ridiculous in that it was simple yet had still given him that fluttering sensation in his stomach. He wasn’t supposed to have those thoughts at all, let alone have them when Al was standing in front of him.

At least that had been one of the more innocent ones.

Al continued talking, and Seth struggled to catch up with what he was saying.

“We shouldn’t go in. They’ll start talking to you, and I don’t know if they’ll let us go into my room alone. You were right about that. We’d never sneak past them.”

Seth rocked back and forth on his feet, feeling unsure about what that meant.

“Should I go then?”

“No,” Al replied quickly enough that it startled Seth. Al gave him a hesitant smile, looking sympathetic. “That’s not what I meant. I want to talk.”

It wasn’t until Al slid down the side of the house to sit on the ground that Seth realized what Al had meant. Seth followed, sitting down in the spot that Al indicated for him in the grass. Their arms pressed together like they needed to remind themselves that they were sitting next to each other again.

This felt strange. Not being with Al but the location of it. Seth was used to sitting like this in the woods or even in Al’s house, only feet away, but being on the ground with his back against a cold wall when the comfort of indoors was close by felt strange. This time, they really were hiding.

“Why did you come?” Al asked, voice small and hesitant.

Seth wondered if Al expected him to yell more than talk. If he were in Al’s place, that was what he would have expected too. The desire to yell at Al had taken a long time to dissipate, but Seth couldn’t find it within himself any longer.

“I felt like I needed to,” Seth said. He took a few deep breaths to calm himself down, feeling like those simple words had been another huge admission. “I needed to see you. Not talking was driving me crazy.”

Al’s arm pressed into his. “Me too. I wouldn’t have blamed you for staying away. I was stupid.”

Seth shook his head despite not disagreeing. “As cliche as it is to say it, we were both stupid. We both said stuff we shouldn’t have.”

“That’s true I guess. Do you think we can both forget it and move on?”

Seth had wondered that same thing over the past few days, and he hadn’t been sure until the question came from Al’s mouth and not Seth’s own mind. All he’d been able to think about was how hurt he’d been when Al had been oblivious to how much his words had hurt, but Seth knew he’d screwed up too. Looking at Al drilled that into his head.

“We can,” Seth said. “It’s in the past. We’ll learn from it. Do better next time.”

“God, I hope so. That was horrible.”

Seth nodded. “We need to work on talking about things without any yelling, don’t we?”

Al didn’t answer, just sighed and leaned his head back against the house’s siding. They sat in each other’s presence for a few minutes, wanting to relish that they were able to do so again.

“Let’s try it,” Al said out of nowhere. It took a few moments for Seth to realize that Al meant ‘talking without yelling.’

Taking that as an invitation, Seth jumped in by declaring, “I still want to come out to Sam’s pack. I want all the guys to know. The imprints too. Maybe everyone.”

Al’s eyes fell shut. He looked like he could have been sleeping except for the way his forehead wrinkled in a frow and the way his body still pressed against Seth.

“I know,” he whispered. “And I want you to be able to come out if you want to. I really do. It’s just that I also want us to come out together, and I’m not ready yet. Everything I want conflicts with everything else I want, and I didn’t know what to do. That’s why I acted that way.”

Seth nodded. “I know.” It felt like they were each saying that a lot, and Seth wondered not for the first time how they had reached this point of understanding each other on such a deep level. “I knew that in the heat of the moment too. But I already felt nervous about coming out, and then you reacted like that, and that’s why I acted like I did.”

Al mirrored Seth’s nod. Neither one of them had any idea what to say next.

“So we’re both stupid,” Al said after a moment, mimicking Seth’s comment from before. “Case closed?”

Seth looked over at him with a smirk. “Yeah, case closed.”

In reality, it wasn’t that easy. Seth’s and Al’s wants still didn’t line up. It shouldn’t have been surprising when the tension between them reared its head again, yet it was. Seth had been reassured after that night that they had successfully put the negativity behind them. Whether or not they saw eye to eye, they wouldn’t fight anymore.

And they didn’t. Instead, they grew distant.

Seth wanted to come out. Al still didn’t. But they both wanted to come out together. There was no way to fix it, and nothing that would make both of them happy. Every day they would talk about it, and every day came with the same result until it was easier not to talk at all.

Before Seth knew it, he was walking home alone after school.


	18. Chapter 18

Seth waited two months to do it. For weeks he had tried to convince Al to come out to the other pack with him, and it had been a failure. Even once he’d given up, he’d waited, hoping Al would decide he was ready.

He didn’t. And the longer Seth waited, the more he felt like he was about to burst from frustration. He was tired of hiding. Al could swear up and down that what they did wasn’t lying all he wanted, but Seth would never buy it. He knew it was lying, could tell from the way his chest tightened every time he had to let someone assume he was straight.

When he’d talked to Jake about it, Jake had acted like he thought Seth was doing something great. It made Seth think to not that long ago when Jake’s approval had meant everything to him. He tried to hold onto that feeling to keep the nerves at bay. It felt like all he had now that he hadn’t spoken one word to Al in more than two weeks.

This summer was shaping up to be different from the last. Seth had gone to their clearing just once before he’d been unable to go back and sit there alone.

This had the chance to be the one bright spot in his summer. He held onto that too.

He held onto the way Leah offered him a smile before they walked into Sam and Emily’s house.

He held onto so many things, yet none of it added up to what just a few words of encouragement from Al would have meant.

Everyone else was already there. Seth had forced Leah to wait until it was the exact time the meeting was meant to be held before they left the house. He wanted to be able to do it as soon as he got there, not sit around and wait for everyone to arrive.

Seth expected them to have their eyes on him as soon as he entered. He let Leah go first, using her as a shield for as long as he could, but as she perched herself on the armrest of the couch, Seth was left standing at the front of the room, becoming the center of attention.

Everyone had a good idea about why they were here. Seth could tell from the way they looked at him. He wasn’t sure what they’d been told. Jake had talked to Sam, and Sam had talked to his pack. Seth hadn’t asked anyone to be here for himself except Jake. Not even Leah. So he didn’t know what Jake or Sam or whoever had spread the word had decided to say, but he could see that they knew.

He tried to take confidence from that. If they knew, they could have chosen not to come. Just being here could be confirmation that they wouldn’t care much. His own pack hadn’t. Seth thought he knew everyone well enough to know they were good people when it came down to it. Despite Paul’s bite, not even he was that bad. None of them looked grossed out yet, so whether he’d said anything or not, it was off to a good start.

Seth tried to smile, but it came out strained.

Then he focused on building the words up inside of himself. There were only two words. He’d said them before, and he’d done it a lot more now than he had before the last two times he had done this. He’d even reached the point where he could say it comfortably while looking at himself in the mirror. That was an accomplishment. One he’d been worried he’d never reach.

Seth cleared his throat, and after one more moment of hesitation said, “I’m gay.”

It might have been his imagination, but the words felt more natural that time than they had in the past. Seth felt a twinge of pride even as his nerves grew stronger. He looked around at everyone, taking in the grins of his own pack and the calm expressions of the others.

It was only quiet, and Seth wasn’t sure what to do.

There was movement out of the corner of his eye, and Seth glanced over in time to see Emily react to Leah elbowing her in the arm.

“Are we getting food?” Leah asked.

Seth knew Leah was doing it for him, and he tried to offer his sister a smile. Emily glanced at him, gauging whether or not it was appropriate to respond to Leah’s question. Seth grinned at her too, hoping she would answer.

“Of course,” Emily said. “I have some in the kitchen.”

She hurried into the other room. Most of the guys followed behind, forming a stampede. Seth flattened himself against the wall to let them pass. He’d been expecting to have the living room to himself, but when the crowd disappeared into the kitchen, members of his own pack remained behind, scattered around the living room.

Seth looked at each of them. None of them stared, but they did glance over at him. Al’s eyes remained anywhere but on Seth, and Seth sighed. He should have expected that even though Al should have been expecting this. He had an idea of what was going on inside Al’s head, and it was best that he not provoke him. That would only result in a repeat of their last argument.

There was a feeling of tension in the air, but it wasn’t between Seth and the rest of the pack. It was between him and Al. Seth could feel it; Al could feel it; and from the way they glanced between him and Al, he could tell that the others in the room could feel it too.

Seth stayed standing, preoccupied with Al. He didn’t dare watch him directly, but he kept glancing over and watching through the edges of his vision. Eventually, Al stood from his chair, still managing not to look in Seth’s direction.

The clearest path to the kitchen from where Al was standing would have been passing the spot Seth continued to stand in. Al managed to make a complete circle around the room, coming up to the kitchen door from the opposite side of the frame. He disappeared inside, leaving Seth staring behind him.

Feeling his shoulders droop, Seth moved away from where he’d been standing. He moved over to the couch, sitting down between Leah and Jake.

“Al needs to get that stick out of his ass.”

Seth’s head shot up, startled at Quil’s words. He hadn’t been expecting anyone to comment on what had happened, but he especially hadn’t expected any comments that were blatantly on his side instead of Al’s. He laughed a little, more out of shock than anything else. He hated himself for agreeing even as he remembered how Al must feel. He knew Al could hear Quil from the other room too, and he hoped that Al felt bad but that he wasn’t too hurt.

It was like a war inside of him: the part that felt satisfaction from hearing Quil’s words and the side that wanted to shake his head and explain to them why Al’s feelings were justified. Instead, he stayed quiet, doing nothing.

“At least that’s done,” Leah said from beside him. She reached out to give his forearm a quick squeeze before dropping her hand into her lap.

Seth murmured his agreement. It was the truest statement she could have made. One more step was completed, the one bright spot of the day so far.

When Embry asked him how it felt, Seth could only shrug in response. “Right now it feels the same, which is what’s weird, I think. Nothing feels different even though it was supposed to be earth shattering. Or at least earth shifting. But it doesn’t feel like that. It’s kind of...disappointing in a weird way.”

“Makes sense to me,” Embry responded. Seth was glad it made sense to someone. It sure didn’t to him, and he was the one feeling it. He had a hunch Embry was just saying he understood to help Seth feel validated.

But he kept talking, and Seth became more convinced. “Stuff you have to build yourself up for is almost always less overwhelming than you’d thought it would be.”

Seth responded with a, “Yeah, I guess.” It was difficult to accept Embry’s words. He didn’t feel like smiling or anything of the sort. He just felt despondent.

The others realized that nothing was going to cheer Seth up. Leah stood, announcing that she was going into the kitchen, and the others followed behind her, leaving Seth alone in the living room.

As soon as no one else was in sight, Seth leaned back into the couch with a sigh. He could hear everything happening in the kitchen. The loud noise carried easily into the living room. There might as well have been no wall separating them.

But the lack of eyes on him left Seth feeling at ease. There was no facade he needed to maintain at the moment. He closed his eyes and tried to relax.

When Al came into the living room ten minutes later, Seth knew it was him. There was something about the hesitance of the steps and the familiarity of the breathing that Seth could hear. There was no one else it could be.

He cracked his eyes open, thankful that it was Al who had found him like this. He felt vulnerable. The vulnerability only increased as the two of them looked each other in the eyes for the first time that day. The first time in days.

Seth cherished the moment, happy that Al had yet to turn away from him.

Al took a step towards the front door, and Seth’s heartbeat quickened, not wanting him to go. But then Al glanced back towards him before inclining his head towards the door, and Seth understood. He nodded and stood, following Al out the door without a word.

They headed straight for the woods, and Seth knew where Al was leading him: their clearing.

At the height of summer, the place was teeming with life. This was the way Seth loved it the most. Spring was his favorite season, but it was because it was the beginning of the life that would become this.

Seth hovered on the edge of the clearing, watching Al head straight for their tree and lean against it. It wasn’t until Al had sat down that he looked back at Seth. His expression revealed nothing, but he motioned at the ground beside him, indicating that he wanted Seth to sit in his usual spot.

Seth moved towards him, still watching closely. Their eyes remained locked on each other until Seth had to turn away to lower himself down to the ground.

There was a safe distance between them that wouldn’t have been there before they started to argue. Seth yearned to reach out and touch Al, to have the reassurance of Al’s skin against his. He hadn’t felt this much longing in so long.

“Congratulations,” Al whispered.

It wasn’t the ideal, happy-sounding congratulations that Seth could have gotten, but he got the excited churning of his stomach anyway. This was more than he had expected, and that meant more than anything. Just sitting here next to Al again was more than he would have dared to wish for today.

“Thank you,” Seth whispered in reply.

Something about the air between them made it seem like they were obligated to be quiet. Al confirmed as much when he said, “Can we just sit here together for a while?”

Seth nodded, letting them descend into silence. He wasn’t sure how long they sat there for, but he cherished the moment, even letting himself drift off into daydreams that he didn’t typically allow himself to have in Al’s presence.

When Al rose to leave, there was a large pit of regret in Seth’s stomach. He yearned to reach out for Al’s hand to keep him there, but he knew he couldn’t ask for more when Al had already breached so much of the gap that had formed between them.

Small steps. For now at least.

Things would get better. They’d work it out. Al would come out. They’d both come out to the world. Things would get better.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is another chapter that anyone who reads the Forever stories will be familiar with, but here is the start of Leah and Seth's deal from Seth's point-of-view.

Of course, Seth had known that things wouldn’t get better immediately. Not after weeks of not speaking. Actually, it wasn’t like they’d done much speaking that night, just sat beside each other, so none of the awkwardness that came after a large argument had been dealt with.

With no school thanks to the summer, there were no opportunities for walks home together. Seth started showing up at the clearing each day for just a few minutes. The first couple of days, he found no one and left soon after. Three days later, Al was resting against the tree, eyes closed.

Seth had hesitated, unsure if he was meant to disturb him, but this was their clearing. When they didn’t want to see each other, they avoided it. Seth took a cautious step forward, waiting to see if he would get shooed away. Al opened his eyes, taking in Seth’s appearance for a long moment before motioning towards the space beside him.

Every day after that, they had both wound up in the clearing, and they had both sat beside each other. Each day, the conversation came earlier than it had before, and it flowed easier.

Things were getting better. As long as Seth avoided the soft spots.

There was no talk about his coming out. No talk about any possible coming outs. It was like they had restarted their friendship at an earlier period where they had to be careful what to reveal to each other. They couldn’t say everything.

But Seth liked to think that they said a little more each day. It felt good. It made him happy.

He also wasn’t oblivious to the inquisitive looks Leah kept shooting at him in the days after it had all happened. When he wasn’t in the clearing with Al, he was at home, not having much to do now that it was summer. That meant more time with his sister than during the school year.

Seth enjoyed it. He liked getting to see Leah more. For all her faults, she was his big sister, and he’d looked up to her his whole life. But he was annoyed by those looks. He was never sure if she thought she was being discrete or if she thought being obvious would prompt him to talk.

It was only a matter of time before she broke and became the first of them to say something. When she did, they were both sitting at home, watching some show on TV. She’d been debating what she was going to say for a while. Seth could tell from the way she launched into it right as a commercial break began.

“So, things between you and Al have gotten better.”

Seth had been trying to prepare himself for this, but he never seemed to be able to do that until something was happening. He felt his cheeks getting hotter than normal, and he shrugged, not taking his eyes off the television screen.

He’d gotten the impression that Leah knew more than she’d been told. Maybe she and Embry speculated about Seth and Al behind their backs. He could never be sure. But she wasn’t zeroing in on Al because she was clueless, and that made Seth nervous. He couldn’t reveal the full scope of his feelings when he wasn’t supposed to have those feelings in the first place.

They sat there through the rest of the commercial, Leah’s eyes still trained on Seth.

“Yeah, I guess,” he said eventually. He hoped she would be discouraged by his lack of a detailed answer, but she plunged on.

“You guess?”

There was no good way to respond to that even though it was open to interpretation. What did she want him to say? Nothing that he was willing to reveal.

“It is better,” he decided. “And mostly normal.”

“But not entirely normal,” Leah finished for him. The intonation of her voice made it clear that it was a prompt for Seth to explain himself.

Seth bit down on his lip, almost biting through the skin. “Not entirely normal, no.”

He glanced over at her and saw the concerned look in her eyes, the one that he only ever saw Leah direct at him. She’d alway been overprotective, but she’d gotten better at masking the care that it came from after she put up her walls. This was one of the first times he remembered seeing it clearly again, and maybe that was what made him continue the conversation.

“Do you know what made me accept that I was gay?”

Leah’s eyes widened, surprised at how forthcoming Seth had decided to be. For a split second, she struggled to come up with an answer.

“Turning into a giant wolf and suddenly having access to guys’ heads?”

“No,” Seth responded, voice annoyed. He wasn’t sure whether her answer had been serious or a joke, but he hoped it was the latter. “Well, yeah, kind of,” he allowed after a moment’s thought. “But it’s more complicated than that. It was partly being in the guys’ heads, but it was being in Al’s head more than anyone else’s. He had already accepted the fact that he was bi, even though he wasn’t out. Like, he was comfortable with it and everything. That was incredible to me.”

He glanced over at Leah. Her gaze was curious, and Seth knew that he should be prepared to be in this for the long hall.

“But how did you know?” she asked. “The rest of us had hints, sure, but we didn’t get anything out of him.”

Seth’s cheeks flushed as he thought back to that day that had changed everything in his life. He had no way of knowing where he would be if he hadn’t had that encounter with Al, but he thought he might have still been locking away important parts of himself and pretending they didn’t exist.

He’d held the memory close to him ever since that day and had never considered sharing it with someone before. But he looked at the caring expression in Leah’s eyes and thought about how things had been with Al. Maybe it would do him good to share it, and Leah felt like a good person to share it with.

“We were patrolling one day, just the two of us,” Seth began. “I let a thought slip on accident. I know that wasn’t the only time. I think I did it with all the guys at least once, but I was mortified. But then Al decided to show me his own thoughts about boys to make me feel better. So then we both knew about each other. It wasn’t until then that I started thinking more about it on my own. Before then I kind of repressed it, tried to make myself like girls like I saw the other guys think about girls in their heads. It never worked, but I tried really, really hard.”

It fell silent. Seth felt shocked that he’d managed to share that story with someone else. Leah was watching him closely, but he couldn’t tell what she was looking for or if she was looking for anything at all.

Seth spoke again, his voice only a whisper. “Seeing that he had the same thoughts as me and wasn’t weirded out by it or anything, it helped. It was the first time I thought that I could be gay and things could still be okay. The first time that I thought ‘gay’ and ‘misery’ weren’t synonyms.”

It was hard to describe how Seth felt when he saw the look of pure shock and, possibly, horror on Leah’s face. Kind of embarrassed, kind of ashamed, kind of vindicated. He didn’t want to sit back and analyze how it felt to finally tell someone about the circus that had been his mind once upon a time.

“You never thought that before?” Leah asked in a whisper like Seth had scared her. Maybe that explained some of the fear that Seth could feel creeping up in himself all over again.

He worked on keeping his face neutral, not wanting to reveal how often he could still feel those same emotions. They crept up every time he became a bit insecure, when even the slightest negative moment happened. It was so easy for the thoughts to creep out from the recesses of his mind again.

“Not really,” he said. He wanted to explain some of this to Leah without going into a long-winded rant that would make sense to no one but himself. He only wanted to tell her what he knew she could understand. “It was confusing. On one hand, I knew it didn’t have to be that way, but on the other hand, it was impossible to see it any other way. We don’t exactly live in an area of great gay acceptance, Leah. And I’m a werewolf, and the guys are always dropping their clothes in front of each other without thinking about it. Not to mention that we can all read each other’s thoughts. It made sense that they would react badly. It seemed idiotic to think they wouldn’t.”

“It’s not any different from having a straight girl in the pack.”

Seth felt a rush of irritation. He hated when Leah did that. She’d listen to what he said but then try to explain how he was wrong with simple statements that she spoke as if they were common sense. There was always a tone of finality in her voice, like that was the end of the discussion. She couldn’t be wrong. Ever. She enjoyed being right too much.

Just for once, Seth wished that she would accept what he was telling her without adding her own two cents. She couldn’t know, and she should know that much.

But she didn’t, and Seth knew that he was going to have to humor her to a certain extent if he expected her to listen.

“But, Leah, they do all freak out about you. At first they did at least.”

It fell quiet. This was another trademark of Leah’s. If she didn’t have a snappy comeback, she was quiet. Seth both hated and enjoyed it. He knew he’d succeeded in making her struggle more before retorting, but he also knew that she would say something eventually. He just had to wait until it came.

“Okay. Yeah, true,” she allowed. “But the point is that they got over it. Surely you thought enough of them to think they’d get over your sexuality too.”

Seth shrugged. It wasn’t about how much or how little Seth thought of them. That had never been the point.

“It was hard to see that far in the future. The initial reaction scared me more than anything else. It was the only thing I thought about.”

He wasn’t sure if she’d be able to understand that either. Seth had always thought of Leah as a fearless person, one of her traits that he’d wanted to emulate as a child. It made it difficult for him to believe that she would be able to fully grasp the fear he’d felt.

“The only way I could imagine being out,” Seth continued, “was if I somehow escaped La Push, but that was impossible. And you know I’ve always wanted to stay in La Push my entire life. I started feeling like it was a choice between my sexuality or my hometown, and I didn’t know what to do.”

Seth could see Leah trying to blink the tears away from her eyes. Somehow, he seemed to have gotten through to her. It was one of the only times he’d seen her cry since her initial mourning period after Sam.

Leah got up from the couch, and Seth stiffened, thinking she was leaving the room. She’d had enough of this conversation and was giving up on it. A split second later, he realized she was moving toward him, not away from him.

She settled down beside him on the couch, causing Seth to grin in spite of himself. Leah leaned into him, mimicking how he and Al often sat next to each other in their clearing. It was the physically closest the two of them had been in years, and Seth felt much of the same warmth he could from when he sat like this with Al. It didn’t have the same stomach-fluttering quality, but the warmth was the same.

When they were younger, Leah had been pretty liberal about hugging Seth. She’d done it all the time, constantly letting him know that she loved him. And he’d adored her too. That had stopped after she’d had her heart broken by Sam. Seth had lost his sister in a lot of ways then, and it felt nice to have her back in this small capacity.

“You don’t feel that way anymore, do you?”

This time, Leah’s question lacked the bravado that she tried to keep up. There was nothing but worry in her voice, worry about him. For once, she just wanted to know if he was okay. There was nothing else to it. It didn’t matter if his explanation was shit. His feelings were what was important.

“Not really,” Seth said, trying to be as truthful as possible. “By now most of the town has heard about it, and it’s not as bad as I expected. Of course, that could be because they’re scared of the guys if they do anything cruel to me.”

“Or scared of you,” Leah was quick to point out. Seth could see traces of a smirk on her lips.

Seth shrugged. It was possible, but even after a couple of years as a wolf and having killed his fair share of vampires, Seth was never able to view himself as threatening. He didn’t get how other people would either. Surely they saw how incapable he was of being scary.

“Maybe,” he allowed, humoring Leah. “That doesn’t make me feel any better.”

He didn’t want to be hated for his sexuality, but being feared because people thought he would hurt them was almost as bad. They went hand in hand, and they manifested themselves in more or less the same ways.

Leah looked thoughtful as she watched him.

“You’ll be happy,” she said, willing it on him as if it were a command. Like if she said it in a strong enough voice, Seth would have no choice but to obey. If she were his alpha, he had no doubt he would have heard that familiar tone that signaled an alpha command. “Both you and Al. I know you will be.”

Seth scoffed, unable to do anything else. He wouldn’t flat out deny that. It was, after all, the outcome he was hoping for. He just couldn’t state it as fact as explicitly as Leah had. That was too optimistic and opened himself up to too much disappointment when it fell through. It was bad enough imagining a future where Leah had to look at him and know that she had been wrong.

No, Seth couldn’t place any definitive descriptors on the future. Even one as generic as “happy.” All he could do was try to make it happen by working on the present.

He thought of Al, still afraid to come out to the larger world, and he felt the familiar stirrings in his stomach. He wanted Al to be happy almost as much as he wanted himself to be happy, and after everything, Seth was becoming more and more worried that Al’s chances would be slimmer than his. Not because of the world but because of Al’s own fear.

So ironic when Al had jumped the gun and come out to their pack before Seth. What was stalling him now?

Somehow, Leah’s thoughts had also gone to Al.

“Would you hate me if I asked what your feelings for Al are?”

Seth’s heart sped up as he worried about being transparent enough that Leah had been able to see everything. If she knew, did the rest of the pack? It shouldn’t have felt like so big a secret when he’d already shared his sexuality with them, yet his crush being revealed felt horrifying in the moment.

There was something different about being gay in an abstract way and about being gay in a real, tangible way. Telling everyone he was gay, taking on that label, had been a huge first step, but it wasn’t everything. Admitting his feelings for another boy made it real. His feelings were proof of something that he had so far only revealed to others through words.

Words that had felt powerful at the time but looked flimsy in a different context.

Leah could feel him stiffen, and she lifted her head from where she had rested it on his shoulder, looking up at his face. 

“Why?” he asked. He swallowed before continuing, hoping it would help steady his voice. “Why are you asking?”

There was a falseness to the casual way she shrugged her shoulders and glanced around the room. She was trying to make this into something less intimidating than it was.

“Different reasons,” she said. “You’re both the only members of the pack who aren’t straight.” She made no mention of Robbie, who Seth had little doubt anymore would fit right into that group with him and Al. Seth wondered if she didn’t suspect it or if she was being tactful and acting like she was clueless.

She continued, “I guess that alone could lead to feelings, not that you should date someone just because they like boys, obviously, but it’d be natural for a crush to happen.”

Recoiling from Leah was more of an instinct than a decision. His body sprung away, placing noticeable space between them that hadn’t been there before. They were still close enough for Seth to feel the heat radiating off her body.

“I’m not going to like someone just because they’re the only boy around who likes boys,” he said, voice higher in pitch from his defensiveness.

Leah had hit upon a sore spot without knowing it. She had no way of knowing that she’d voiced the same thought that Seth had been worrying over for more than a year. He’d never been able to sort out whether he liked Al because Al was Al or whether he liked Al because Al was his only option, and the uncertainty weighed down on him, making him feel guilty.

He thought he liked Al because he was Al. He wanted to like Al for that reason and that reason alone. Even if it hadn’t been that way in the beginning, he hoped desperately that it was now, but he also worried others would never be able to see if that way if they knew. Would Al be able to see it that way?

One of Seth’s biggest fears was Al saying he returned Seth’s feelings only because Seth was the only boy around he could date. There was little doubt Al could get a girlfriend, but if he wanted to fully explore his sexuality, Seth was the only option. Neither of them could see Robbie as anything other than a little kid.

Seth’s fears of such a future only deepened his resolve to keep his own feelings a secret.

“That’s not what I meant,” Leah said, trying to comfort him somehow. “I don’t think you like Al just because he like guys. I think you like Al, and it happens to be a nice bonus that he also likes guys.”

Seth avoided answering by feigning interest in the television. In reality, they’d been distracted long enough that the show they had been watching had ended. Seth didn’t know what was on, and nothing the characters were saying or doing made sense to him. He couldn’t focus enough to figure it out.

Instead, his thoughts drifted to his feelings for Al, not able to avoid them when Leah had brought them to the surface. He hesitated for a moment before speaking.

“I do like him,” he admitted for the first time. He felt a muted version of the same release of tension he’d felt after coming out. There was that feeling in the air that stuck around as you waited for the response that had to come, whatever it may be. Seth dealt with it by continuing to speak, his voice a whisper. “And I do think it started off being for no reason except that he liked boys. That was nice, obviously, but I didn’t want to like someone just because of that, so I tried to stop. But then we kept talking, and he was the only one I knew who felt what I felt and was struggling with it too. And that was nice. Really nice. After a while, I realized I still like him, and this time it was because I could relate to him.

“But I still feel like I might like him because he’s my only option in La Push, and I don’t want that. I don’t want to like someone just because all the other guys around me are straight. That’s not how that should work.”

Leah’s brow had furrowed during Seth’s story. She looked confused, like this hadn’t been somewhere where she thought Seth would go. 

He did wonder sometimes how normal his feelings were. Most of the people around him would never have these same types of conflicts within themselves over liking someone. The way Leah was looking at him with befuddlement and also sympathy confirmed that for him.

“Is that what you two are fighting over then?” Leah asked.

Seth sighed. He’d already told her enough today to leave him feeling exhausted. It would be more draining to go into detail about the conflict that had sprung up between him and Al.

“No,” he told her. “That wasn’t what we fought over.”

He didn’t want to explain anymore. If Leah had this grand idea that Seth was only angry at Al because of his uncontrollable feelings, then she would be let down by the truth. The truth was much sadder than that and not something Seth wanted to dwell on when he could avoid it.

Realizing she wasn’t going to get more out of him without pushing, Leah elbowed him in the side, and of course, Seth gave in, knowing she’d only try harder if he didn’t.

“Starting off, I think we both wanted to relate to the other too much. I didn’t realize it, but I expected his situation to be exactly like mine with no differences. But we aren’t the same. I came out to everyone, and Al wasn’t ready yet. Our situations started off the same, but we were ready for different things at different times. Now I think I was right. I can’t start up a relationship with the first boy I know who likes boys. I need more than that.”

“You don’t just have your sexuality,” Leah insisted. “You’re also both wolves, for whatever that’s worth. That’s bonded your lives together.”

For a brief second, Seth wanted to laugh.

“Oh, great,” he said flatly. “We’re both queer and turn into giant wolves. The greatest basis for a relationship ever.”

“Hey,” Leah responded, voice higher pitched. “Relationships have started over shallower things. It’s as decent of a start as ‘look, an attractive person.’ If great relationships can come out of that, great relationships can come out of being mythical creatures together.”

Seth would admit that she’d made a decent point. Instead of giving her that satisfaction though, he decided to shift the focus of the conversation, getting them away from the uncomfortable talk of Al.

“It makes sense that you’d think two people being wolves would be a good start to a relationship.”

Leah’s expression became one of confusion. Seth’s own brow furrowed as he realized that she had no idea what he was hinting at even though it should have been obvious.

“Wait. Do you not know what I’m talking about?”

“I don’t have a clue,” she replied, not a hint of a lie in her voice.

Seth replied slowly, feeling the need to spell it out for her. “Have you or have you not developed feelings for a certain Embry Call?”

Leah’s eyes widened as she stared at him. He didn’t think she was seeing him sitting in front of her anymore. Her eyes were glassed over as her mind worked on overdrive. Seth watched her closely, trying to figure out if she was confused as to how he’d figured it out or if he’d really pointed out something that she had been oblivious to until now.

“I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about, Seth. Embry and I are friends, yeah, but what the hell do you mean, ‘do I like him’?”

Seth was shocked. He couldn’t help but stare at her in pity. It was so obvious.

“Wow.” He drew out the word for emphasis. “You’re in some deep pit of denial, Leah. The biggest pit I’ve ever seen. I can’t believe you went through all that shit about Al with me when you can’t admit that you have a crush on someone.”

“I don’t have a crush on anyone! And I’m not lying.” Her voice was higher than normal, sounding more like a five-year-old than his adult sister. Leah gaped at him as if she’d never been more shocked to hear him say something.

Leah and Seth had never tormented each other as kids, although Seth had been accused of being annoying on more than one occasion. Their age difference was large enough that it had never been something that defined their relationship. Seth had never experienced the common euphoria, or so he’d heard, that came from tormenting a sibling.

Yet right now he felt something like satisfaction over how much he was making Leah squirm. He’d never been able to catch her this off guard. She had always been far more likely to do that to him.

“I know you’re not lying to me,” Seth said with a nod. “I can tell that you think you’re saying the truth, but you’re not. It’s apparently yourself that you’re lying to.”

Seth watched as Leah’s body tensed and her forehead got that crease that always appeared whenever she was angry enough. It wasn’t there as often as it had been in the past. He didn’t have any desire to set her off more—would have hated it actually—but he was fine with keeping her in this state for a few moments longer.

“You know,” he continued, “now I wonder if you’re concerned about me because it distracts you from all that repressing you’ve been up to lately.”

“I don’t like Embry fucking Call, Seth. There’s no repressing.”

Seth had to bite back a laugh. His teeth sunk hard enough into his lip to sting as he watched Leah’s annoyance flicker across her face. She didn’t know what to do. This was her little brother taunting her, and she’d always been nicer to him than everyone else, even when she teased him. She didn’t want to yell at him. Seth could see it. But it was taking all of her willpower to restrain herself.

Doing his best to school his expression into a neutral one, Seth spoke again in a more pleasing tone.

“Leah, have you ever stopped to wonder why it’s Embry you spend so much time around?”

“I don’t spend that much more time around him than any of the other guys.”

Seth would have considered himself the king of denial after all the years he’d spent convincing himself he wasn’t gay, but apparently, that trait was a family thing. Leah could have given him a run for his money when it came to not seeing things that should have been obvious.

Leah’s eyes grew distant. Seth could see the cogs turning in her head as she tried to sort out how much time she spent with Embry in comparison to the other guys. Seth could pinpoint the exact moment she started getting scared of what she had found and pushed it aside to focus in on him again.

“Why can’t a guy and a girl be friends without everyone thinking there’s something between them?” she asked in a huff.

“They can,” Seth pointed out. “You’re friends with Jake and Quil, for example. Embry’s different.”

“Can’t a girl be a bit closer with one of her guy friends without it being romantic?”

Seth shrugged. “Yeah, but that just doesn’t happen to be you and Embry. You can pull the ‘guy and girl just being friends’ argument all you want, but sometimes there is more between two friends. This is one of those times.”

Seth watched as Leah thought about it, turning his words over in her head and trying to make sense of them.

She wasn’t going to get it. Not today. She was too far into denial.

Seth made a decision.

“I’ll make you a deal. If you ever decide you want to talk to me about how you have feelings for Embry, then I’ll open up more about Al too. Or whatever’s going on with me in the love, lust, whatever arena by the time you sort your shit out. Until then, I’m not telling you anything about my feelings.”

Leah’s eyes narrowed.

“And if I never develop these feelings that you’re so sure I already have?”

Seth shrugged and stood up from the couch, sensing that this conversation was coming to an end. Not only had he found a way out of talking about Al with Leah for quite a while, he may have helped her out in the process. At least he hoped she’d take this as a signal to get it together.

“If I don’t think you like him anymore, then I’ll consider the deal void,” Seth assured her. “Until then…”

She wanted to argue back, to continue trying to defend her own version of the truth, but she couldn’t come up with anything to say. Seth watched for a few minutes as she struggled. Then her shoulders sagged, and he offered her a soft smile before heading into the kitchen.

Leah could have a little time to mull over what had been said while he got some food. It may not have been enough time for her to get her head on straight, but hopefully, it was a start.


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a hugely important chapter, so I hope you all enjoy it.

The rest of the summer both flew by and dragged on in that odd sort of way that only summer ever managed to accomplish. As each day of the school break passed, Seth became more bored as he ran out of ways to occupy his time.

He and Al began spending time together again, but it was never the same as before. They were awkward and nervous around each other. More often than not, they would do nothing but sit in silence next to each other in their clearing, both daydreaming about what it would be like if things were different.

There was an unspoken tension. One between Seth, who now had all the freedom he had hoped for, and Al, who remained locked away. Neither one of them knew how to bridge the difference.

Still, spending time with Al was preferable to spending time at home where Leah was shooting him inquisitive looks more often than not.

She was as convinced of her own reality as ever. As far as she was concerned, she didn’t have feelings for Embry.

However, now that she’d approached the topic once, she was far more willing to bring up Seth’s own feelings again. She’d begun to do so even though she knew Seth would bring up Embry in retaliation. Neither one of them would let the other escape from the truth, but they were both equally adamant about avoiding their own truths.

Although most of the time they let it play out through looks instead of words. Seth knew what information she was asking for when she narrowed her eyes at him, and she knew what he was saying when he looked back. They stayed at a stalemate for so long that they didn’t need the words to know what each other’s terms were.

It wasn’t anything Seth couldn’t deal with. Leah wasn’t causing him any harm, just annoyance in the moment whenever it happened. But some days he didn’t want to put up with it, and sitting in silence with Al felt like the better option.

By the time school started again, everything had become routine. Then it was hard to believe that the summer was over despite the way the individual days had often dragged on.

Yet not much changed as the school year got underway. Seth spent most of his days at school, but he walked home with Al in the same silence that had plagued them during the summer. If he was home when Leah was, the same looks were passed back and forth.

Seth wouldn’t have considered any of it bad per se, but it was monotonous. He yearned for something new to happen, but he didn’t know what that new thing could be. Where Al was concerned, Seth couldn’t even the playing field. He couldn’t take back coming out. It was too late for that. Nothing would fix the strangeness between them until Al came out, and Seth couldn’t control Al’s decisions. He knew that.

He could have opened up to Leah. He knew that too. But he still liked to think that making her work for it under the conditions he had set was good for her. He was forcing her to think about her feelings. Eventually, she would have to accept them. At least that’s what Seth told himself: that it was as much for Leah’s benefit as it was his. He wouldn’t deny that he was also ambivalent about opening up to anyone about the thoughts that swirled around his head.

The first changes in the monotony began to happen the same day that Seth noticed as he left for school that the leaves of the ash tree in their front yard were beginning to look more orange than green.

He thought at the time that it was nice to see a slight change in scenery, but the tree had been forgotten as he focused on getting to school before he was tardy.

Because of that rush, he wasn’t able to do his usual scope of the halls for Al. It took several passing periods before he caught sight of the other boy, and it was nothing but a quick glimpse. Seth swore that Al had turned around after realizing Seth was there. Seth hadn’t had time to look him in the eyes. 

It was strange, but not out of the realm of the expected. Things had been awkward after all, and Seth filed the moment away as nothing to worry about.

That afternoon, it took a few minutes longer for Al to show up. Again, not something alarming on its own, but something that Seth noticed after the moment in the hallway.

When Al reached him, his eyes flickered anywhere but at Seth, the same way they always did when he was nervous. Something was up. Seth just wasn’t sure if this was something he was supposed to be worried about or not.

“How was your day?” Seth asked. The careful way it was delivered was enough to show Al that this wasn’t the typical niceties. Seth wanted a real answer.

Al sighed, and Seth could tell that he wasn’t going to put up a fight or act like everything was the same as normal. He glanced along the road, both in front and behind them. No one was there at the moment, but they were never sure when cars would drive past. The road had too many bends for them to see the cars coming well in advance.

Without saying a word, Al motioned for Seth to follow him through the trees.

This wasn’t a usual occurrence. Seth wasn’t sure why as a straight path through the trees would have been faster than the winding road, but then again, running would have been even faster. They always took the longer way.

Al wasn’t leading him on the shortest path home though. He was leading him to their clearing. Seth knew that before they were twenty feet into the forest. There was nowhere else they could be heading for in that direction other than more of the forest.

There was no talking between them as they walked. Al kept a few steps in front of Seth at all times, not glancing back.

As soon as he stepped into the clearing, it was like Al got a sudden surge of confidence. He turned around to face Seth with a small smile on his face.

“The leaves,” Al pointed out, glancing upward. About half the trees surrounding their clearing were evergreens, but the others were all in varying stages of changing colors. All of it had managed to happen in the week since they had last been there.

They settled down in their usual spots, keeping the same safe distance that they had for months. Al had a content smile on his face now that they were there, and seeing that warmed Seth from the inside out. Whatever was going on, it didn’t appear to be tragic.

Despite his curiosity, he let Al enjoy the moment, trying to do so himself. 

When Al did speak, his words shocked Seth to his core.

“Can I kiss you?”

The words were little more than a breath. Seth’s head jerked around to look at him, almost snapping in half.

“What?” he responded, unable to process what was happening. Suddenly, he felt like he was in one of the millions of dreams he’d had. Dreams that were never quite believable. The ones that didn’t reflect reality as Seth knew it.

Al swallowed. When he spoke again, his voice was stronger but still trembled.

“Can I kiss you?”

It was rare for Al to speak and for Seth to not feel something in response. His body was always reacting to things that Al did, but now it was especially strong. It felt like every part of Seth was on fire. His heartbeat reverberated in his ears.

He couldn’t speak. His throat was too dry, and his brain wouldn’t recall the words needed. It took him several seconds to realize that he could respond with a nod.

Al leaned in and kissed him, causing Seth’s brain to go into overload for a moment. He couldn’t think about anything except the feel of Al’s lips on his. Then a small voice reminded him that this wasn’t Al’s first kiss. He’d done this before, and Seth hadn’t. He had no way of knowing what was right and what was wrong.

There was a feeling of fear in his stomach, but it wasn’t there because of the usual reasons. What if he was screwing up? He had no idea how to know if he was or not.

But Al kept kissing him, and Seth figured that he couldn’t be doing a horrible job of kissing back. He pushed the fear from his mind, focusing on nothing other than the kiss itself. He relished the feeling of Al’s lips on his, of Al’s hands finding their way to his waist.

Al’s hands left trails of fire over Seth’s skin. He could feel them long after they were gone. He followed suit, relishing the opportunity to explore Al’s body in ways he’d dreamed of doing for so long.

When they pulled away from each other, Seth was breathless. He stared at Al in wonder, unable to believe what had happened. Al breathed just as heavily, and Seth felt amazed that he had managed to put that flicker of lust into his eyes.

They were close, their bodies touching. It was the first time Seth had been able to feel Al’s warmth in months.

“What was that?” Seth asked, his mind struggling to catch up.

“A kiss,” Al said with a smirk. He giggled at Seth’s glare, and Seth couldn’t help but laugh along with him.

He felt giddy in a way he hadn’t in a couple of years. He could have been floating above the ground with how light he felt.

“I know that,” he said, shoving at Al’s shoulder.

They laughed together a little more before Al’s eyes caught his again, and he sobered up. Seth’s own laughter died down as he watched Al, knowing that an explanation was coming.

“I really like you,” Al said softly.

Seth’s face erupted in a smile.

“I really like you too,” he echoed.

They dissolved into giggles again, both too happy to stop.

“I have for a long time,” Seth continued when he could speak again. “A really long time.”

“Me too,” Al whispered like it was still a secret. Seth didn’t give it much thought.

They stayed in their clearing until dark, ignoring their homework and other responsibilities.

There was no discussion of what this meant. Al was still in the closet. It took Seth a while to remember that as they basked in the glow of their revealed feelings, but it was reality. They couldn’t be together publicly. Anything that happened between them was a secret.

That soured things, but it wasn’t enough for Seth to pull away from Al and go home. He remained pressed against Al’s side, running his hands along Al’s skin, kissing Al’s neck.

For one afternoon, they each forgot about reality. Instead, they lived in a dream world. One where their sexualities weren’t an issue.

As they made their way home after dark, Seth gripped Al’s hand, willing the daydream to never end.

But, of course, it had to end. They reached Al’s house first and lingered just inside the treeline.

They watched each other for a moment, neither one moving as they stood opposite each other. Al’s thumbs traced designs on the back of Seth’s hands. He leaned in, pressing one last kiss onto Seth’s lips.

“I’ll do it soon,” Al promised, lips less than an inch from Seth’s.

Seth nodded, feeling his throat tighten with emotion. Suddenly, there were tears in his eyes, and he tried to blink them away, not wanting Al to see them. That was what he’d needed to hear more than anything, especially after today.

There was such a storm of emotion inside of him that Seth could hardly handle it. He leaned in, kissing Al fiercer than before. They wrapped their arms around each other, getting lost one last time.

Before pulling away, Al placed a tender kiss on Seth’s cheek. Their hands slid out each other’s grasp until Al had stepped too far away and they had to drop them.

Seth watched Al walk into his house before he continued on his way, swiping the last tears from his eyes.


	21. Chapter 21

Seth had known from the time Al’s lips first brushed his that their time in the clearing was too perfect to be reality. He hadn’t fooled himself into thinking a miracle would change their situation over night, yet he couldn’t believe the resolute way Al continued to act like the day had never happened.

They walked home together in silence each day. For the first couple of days, Seth made sure that his hand brushed Al’s several times as they walked, but after many attempts that led to nothing, he stopped. Soon, it was him putting the increasing distance between them as they walked.

Not once did they go back to the clearing. Not once did Al reach out to touch Seth.

The only evidence Seth had that it had been real was the painful looks Al often gave him when they were together. They weren’t the same looks he’d used to give Seth. These held a new quality. Seth knew he was thinking about what it had been like for them to kiss and how much he longed to do it again.

But he didn’t. He kept himself closed off, forcing Seth to do the same.

As each day passed, Seth grew increasingly agitated. For a while, he’d been able to replay Al’s promise in his mind. The one where he had promised to come out soon.

But it’s power to boost Seth’s optimism waned as it seemed less and less likely that Al intended to do it. Seth was convinced that Al had given up by the time Leah showed up in his room one night while he was trying his best to study.

“Joint pack meeting at Sam and Emily’s in an hour,” she told him. She leaned against his doorframe, not trying to conceal the way she was analyzing him for a reaction.

Seth’s eyes were wide when he heard the information. Despite his fears that it would never happen, he had little doubt about what this meant. Leah did too. He could see it from the close way she was watching him.

They both knew what this was.

And Seth didn’t want to talk about how it made him feel. He wasn’t even sure how it made him feel. After his initial reaction, he tried schooling his features into a mask, nodding at Leah to let her know he’d heard.

She glanced down the hall without making a move to leave, and Seth knew that he was in trouble. Her presence in his doorway felt like a barrier. She took a step into the room, and Seth shifted nervously on the bed.

“Okay. What’s going on?” she asked.

Seth sighed, watching his sister as he debated what he should say.

“Have you admitted to yourself that you like Embry yet?”

He knew the answer, and it was only confirmed when Leah’s eyes glanced from him to the ground. That should have been the end of it, but he’d known it wouldn’t be.

“Of course I like Embry,” she said defensively. “We’re friends.”

Seth continued to keep his face as neutral as possible, not wanting to give her any motivation.

“Then we’re not talking about this,” he told her. He tried to make it as clear as possible through his voice that his words were final, not up for negotiation.

A new confidence rose up within Leah. She squared her shoulders and smirked.

“You said we wouldn’t discuss our love lives,” she said with satisfaction. “So this has something to do with that?”

Seth’s eyes shot to Leah again. It had been a clever thing to point out, although Seth knew she’d already known what it was about before he’d said anything. He thought for a moment, trying to come up with the best way to get himself out of the conversation.

“We’re not talking about it,” he repeated. He didn’t have some genius response that could make her think that she had been wrong.

“Okay,” she agreed with a shrug.

And that had been the end of it. She turned away from his room, and Seth didn’t see her again until she called up to his room saying she was ready to leave.

Their walk to Sam and Emily’s was quiet. Suspiciously so.

Seth didn’t feel much like talking, and despite pushing him before, Leah was willing to indulge him in the remaining minutes he had before facing Al. In front of both packs. His heart raced as he thought about what appeared to be happening.

The house was loud when they got there. There was none of the tension Seth had gotten used to at these things. Seth took a seat in a corner of the room, able to observe but not directly within the action. He felt like a mere observer of everyone else, not a participator.

There was no discretion in the way his eyes stayed locked on Al. He couldn’t be bothered. He knew Al had asked for this meeting, and he knew that could only mean one thing. Yet Al was laughing with Collin. Seth watched him and saw the hesitance in his eyes, the way his laugh quivered. 

Al was nervous, but he was doing a damn good job of hiding it.

Something about that angered Seth after so long of Al being too terrified to do this. It didn’t seem fair that he could pull off nonchalance.

His anger could also, perhaps, be attributed to the awkwardness of the days since they had kissed. Seth knew bitterness had been building up in him over the way Al had been acting. This was only the final straw. The thing that made him want to explode into a rage when he should have felt happy for his friend.

Al didn’t look at him once. That only made it worse.

When the last of the guys had arrived, everyone quieted as if they’d been shushed. Al stood up without prompting. Seth could see that he was shaking. He felt a twinge of emotion, almost wanting to reach out and take Al’s hand.

But he didn’t. Instead, he clenched his hand into a fist and bit down on his lip, willing himself to stay calm.

“So,” Al began, drawing out the ‘o’ to buy him a few seconds. “There’s been enough of these lately, I think, so I’ll keep it simple. I’m bisexual.”

The usual quiet settled over everyone after Al’s declaration, but this felt different. Like they’d done this so many times that it couldn’t feel awkward anymore. Seth didn’t know if that was heart-warming or upsetting.

The others were quick to start talking amongst each other. Nothing felt different. Just like it hadn’t felt different at any other point after one of them came out. It was always such a let down after the built up nerves. 

Al had fought against doing this tooth and nail out of fear, and now he’d done it with no fanfare. There was no backlash, only acceptance, and that should have been a good thing. Seth should have been happy that Al looked relieved. That he was joking around with the others like normal.

But he didn’t. He felt angry. He hated himself for it, but that didn’t make it go away. It was irrational, but it was how he felt.

He needed fresh air. He needed to be away from everyone.

It was easy enough to slip out without being noticed. No one had paid attention to him since he arrived. They were too wrapped up in their own conversations.

What he didn’t expect was for Al to follow him. He heard the door opening and closing when he was only feet away from the front porch. Al didn’t say anything, only followed Seth into the woods, his footsteps familiar.

All the reasons they’d had for keeping their friendship quiet were no longer valid, yet Al still seemed to only want to talk to him away from the others. Seth let out a huff of annoyance. For a few minutes, he thought he might keep walking home, not acknowledging Al’s presence, but he knew he’d never be able to restrain himself that long.

“What do you want?” he snapped, twirling around to face Al.

Al’s eyes widened at the suddenness of Seth’s movements, but he controlled himself quickly. Seth could tell that he was still trying to make himself look less frightened than he was, just like he had been in the house. Seth hated himself for making Al feel like he should be scared, yet at the same time, he reveled in it as if it were revenge.

“To talk,” Al replied like it should have been obvious.

“About?” Seth questioned. “You haven’t wanted to talk to me any other time over the past few weeks. You certainly didn’t want to talk about coming out. Or us kissing. You didn’t even want to look me in the eye. So what do you want to talk about now?”

Al looked taken aback, like he hadn’t expected to hear that.

“I did tell you,” he insisted. “I told you I wanted to come out. That day. I said it.”

“You did. ‘Soon,’ you said. Then you didn’t bring it up for weeks. When you told everyone else. You didn’t talk to me at all, Al, and then Leah comes into my room earlier today and tells me we’re having a joint pack meeting. And I knew what that meant, but I also knew that you hadn’t told me anything about it.”

“I thought you’d be happy for me,” Al whispered.

Seth could hear the tears Al was holding back, and he growled out of frustration. He felt so many conflicting emotions, and he didn’t know how to convey each of them to Al. It was impossible.

“I am happy for you,” he told Al, emotion thick in his voice. “I’m also pissed.”

Al took a deep breath like he was breathing in Seth’s words, trying to make sense of them.

“I don’t get why you’re upset.”

Seth rolled his eyes. He couldn’t believe this. Al knew everything—everything. How could he not get it? It made Seth want to scream.

“I’m not upset,” he replied mockingly. “Good for you. Hip hip hooray.”

How dark his voice had become scared him. It didn’t sound like him anymore. Al thought the same thing. Seth could see it in his eyes.

“Yeah, hip hip hooray,” Al replied, mimicking not just Seth’s words but his tone. “Seriously, Seth? Are we still going to do this?”

Seth narrowed his eyes. There was no way Al was accusing him of being the one causing this.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Don’t pull that shit,” Al shot back, voice rising.

“What shit?”

Al made a strangled noise. He took a step back from Seth, his entire body trembling. He was struggling not to phase. It was the first time Seth had seen him have that problem since the first couple of months after he’d become a wolf.

Seth didn’t move. He knew Al would be able to control himself. Already, the shaking was slowing down. Al took several calming breaths even as his body remained tense.

“You’re being such an asshole,” Al replied once he had himself under control. “I’m trying to fix things, Seth. I’m trying to fix things.”

Seth was close to crying out of frustration and hurt and a million other emotions. He knew that. He had little doubt that Al had justified everything to himself as ‘fixing things,’ but he wasn’t fixing anything. Seth couldn’t just forget everything that had him angry. It didn’t work that way.

Nothing that Al had done was what Seth needed. He’d thought Al coming out would be the final step towards everything being set right, but now he realized that it wasn’t. Maybe they’d both screwed up too much, or maybe there had always been steps along the way that Seth and Al ignored. Either way, Seth realized now that Al coming out wasn’t a grand, final solution to the problems between them.

He’d realized that, but Al hadn’t.

Seth felt the tension leave his body as he thought about it that way. It did no good being angry at Al when Al didn’t get why he was angry. Maybe he should have tried to explain instead, but he couldn’t. Not right then. Not when it hurt knowing that Al didn’t get it.

“Then actually try,” Seth replied quietly, his voice no longer sounding angry as much as it sounded hurt. “Come talk to me when you’re willing to actually talk to me. When you want to set things right.”

He didn’t—couldn’t—look back at Al’s hurt face as he walked away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Probably not the way anyone wanted things to go, but if you've read the Forever series, then you recognize the argument that Seth and Al have in this chapter. I'm going to try to post the next chapter within the next day or two so that you don't have to wait that long.


	22. Chapter 22

That was the first time their afternoon walks actually ended. There was no more of the awkward silence between them. There was no more wondering if either one of them would finally say everything.

There definitely wasn’t anymore kissing.

There was a lot more wondering what it had all meant. Seth spent hours obsessing over it. For years, Al had worked himself into Seth’s life, and Seth hadn’t realized how reliant on the other boy he had become. He hadn’t realized how deep his infatuation ran until he was forced to face the fact that there was more than likely no future for them.

Seth had known all along that falling for the first boy he stood a chance with was doomed. Real life didn’t work like that. He and Al were never destined to live a happily ever after. No one married the first guy they had a crush on. Doing so only felt more unlikely when Seth still worried that his feelings rooted in viewing Al as his only option.

He needed more experience. He had to kiss far more boys than Al before he knew who he was meant to be with forever.

He’d known that from the beginning, had tried reminding himself of it more times than he could count, yet his heart still felt like it had been broken open. He still felt so much for Al, and no rational part of his brain could make that stop. Not right after it happened and not months later when Al still wasn’t talking to him.

The month following Al coming out was long. The weather got colder. Seth, again, forgot to start wearing his jacket until Jake chided him for making people suspicious. The ash tree in Seth’s front yard started to lose its bright colors, and Seth crunched the brown and dead leaves under his feet whenever he left the house.

His wasn’t the only drama going on in the pack, and he knew that. He was thankful for the way it took everyone’s focus off him. No one could be bothered to poke around and interfere when they were dealing with their own personal issues. Seth could wallow in peace. Eventually, he’d be over it.

At first, he had planned to skip Emily’s Halloween party. He’d been doing that a lot: avoiding being around the others, but it was always in more inconspicuous ways. He didn’t ask to hang out with anyone. He made up excuses for why he couldn’t hang out with people when he was invited. But missing the party would be different. Everyone would notice his absence, and they would know that he had nowhere else to be.

Then they’d get worried, realizing he was sitting around at home. They wouldn’t leave him alone anymore.

So he went. The house was packed with wolves and imprints. Emily had gone all out with the decorating, and at any other time, Seth would have appreciated the skeleton that had been shoved to a side of the couch or the fake cobwebs on the windows.

Instead, all he could focus on was Al. It was the first time he’d been around him in weeks unless he counted the quick run-ins in the school hallway that always ended quickly when one of them disappeared.

They hadn’t had any patrols together, and Seth wasn’t sure who had managed to make that happen. He suspected Leah had something to do with it, but he wasn’t sure how truthful she’d been to Jake when she requested it. Seth didn’t want to know how much everyone else knew.

It had been both a blessing and a curse to not have to deal with Al. Part of the curse was that, weeks later, he still didn’t know how he was meant to behave whenever he and Al came face-to-face.

When he got to the party and saw Al already there, his immediate reaction was to avoid the situation. He kept himself contained to a corner, out of the way of the majority of the commotion. Al’s eyes never left him. Seth could almost feel the longing in Al to come talk to him, but Seth kept his eyes averted, discouraging Al from doing so.

At the same time, he longed to look back and to finally talk or, god help him, kiss Al again. He wanted it with every fiber of his being, and so much of him wanted to end the silence right then.

That would be the worst thing he could do. Everyone was around. Everyone would see. That always seemed to be the flaw with them. Everyone else made everything difficult.

Seth also didn’t want to lose his head. If he got caught up and acted like he forgave Al when he didn’t, then they would both wind up hurt in the future.

No, it was best that he stay away from Al and keep his gaze averted.

As a way of distracting himself, he focused on the conversations in the room—any of them but the ones Al participated in. He made sure not to look at anyone for too long either, so no one would know that he was snooping.

A few people threw him sympathetic looks. Seth ignored them just like he ignored Al.

When Leah arrived, Seth felt himself blush. Once she’d managed to make her way past Rachel, her eyes fell on him. He watched her look him over and frown. She, possibly more than anyone else, got what he was doing. He wasn’t surprised when her eyes kept finding him again and again, checking on him like he’d had a mental breakdown while she was looking away.

Seth ignored her, but he didn’t miss when Moses leaned over to her and whispered, “Can I bash both of them in the head?”

His eyes shot towards them, glaring at Moses, quicker than his brain could work. He hardly had time to take in Leah stifling a laugh before he turned away again.

He was ignoring them. He was definitely ignoring them.

“It might do them good,” Leah whispered back.

Seth shifted in his chair and didn’t dare glance in Al’s direction. Al who had to have heard it. Despite the whispered nature of the conversation, Moses and Leah both knew that Seth and Al (and the rest of wolves in the room) could hear everything they had said.

After a few seconds, Seth allowed himself to glance around the room again, thankful to see that no one’s attention was on him after the exchange. Maybe they had ignored it, not viewing it as a big deal. Seth willed his heartbeat to slow down.

He didn’t actually manage to make it slow down. Not that night and not in the months that followed. Nothing got better or worse. It just stayed the same.

Robbie came out, and Seth was happy for him. But he wished he could have shown it instead of being stuck in his own bubble of bitterness.

He and Al continued not to talk. Seth continued to run home from school alone. He avoided the clearing at all costs. Sometimes he even got good at pretending like Al had never managed to work his way into his life like he had.

Maybe, with time, Seth would manage to put it behind him because it certainly didn’t seem like it was getting better.

Leah, Seth felt, was the one thing standing in the way. She’d taken it on herself to constantly remind Seth about Al, bringing him up at any and all times. Seth tried to ward her off by holding her still-in-denial feelings for Embry over her head, but it did little good. She wouldn’t leave it alone.

Seth knew that she thought it was for his own good, and he appreciated that. He did, but he also hated it.

By the time the new year was under swing and his birthday rolled around, Seth had become convinced that he and Leah were both doomed. She’d never admit her feelings for Embry, doomed to spend eternity alone, and Seth would never be able to get over Al, doomed to spend eternity alone. They’d wind up living at home forever with only each other after Sue died. Seth wondered if Leah would buy any cats.

Even on his birthday, Seth didn’t have much energy anymore. He tried to put on a happy enough face throughout dinner with his mom and Leah and Charlie, but he couldn’t last longer than that. He let out a sigh of relief once he was in the quiet of his bedroom. It was the only place he felt relaxed in anymore. At all other times, he felt like there were always eyes on him making sure that he was okay.

Today, of all days, he wasn’t surprised by the knock on his door. He crossed the room quickly, pulling it open to see Leah on the other side. She offered him a small, nervous smile that was unusual.

“Yeah?” Seth prompted, hoping he could get her to leave.

She hesitated, chewing on the inside of her cheek. Seth could tell that something was up. This wasn’t Leah coming to make her usual comments about him and Al. She was worried about something.

He stepped aside to let her pass. Following her into the room, he sat across from her on the bed cross-legged. They each looked at each other for a moment, studying the other’s expression and posture. Seth waited for Leah to let out what was building up inside of her.

“You win,” she stated simply.

Seth had several thoughts in the split second after Leah said it. He felt happy that his sister had broken out of her own denial when he had become convinced that she wouldn’t. One of them might still have a shot.

On the other hand, he felt a sense of trepidation, knowing what Leah’s confession meant for him. There was so much he was going to have to tell her. Not wanting to do that, he remained quiet as Leah continued.

“I like Embry, okay? You were right, and I was wrong. I realized a couple of months ago, and I still don’t know what it means.”

Seth’s eyes narrowed.

“What do you mean ‘don’t know what it means’? You like Embry. What more is there to know?”

Leah scoffed like Seth had said something ridiculous.

“It’s your turn,” she said, not elaborating on her own feelings. “That was the deal.”

Seth looked away from Leah towards the wall, biting at the inside of his cheek. He was reluctant to respond, but eventually, he managed to say, “It’s my birthday. Do we have to do this now?”

“No,” Leah replied, more lenient than Seth had expected her to be. “But we will, so you can choose when, but you’re not escaping entirely.”

Seth nodded. She was right. He had been the one to make the deal. He couldn’t back down from it now. Leah had taken the first step of admitting her feelings. Seth owed it to her to talk about his own.

He maneuvered around so that he was sitting beside her instead of across from her. He leaned back against the pillows, trying to get comfortable. Leah followed suit beside him.

“Obviously, I like Al,” Seth said with a shrug. His voice wavered. He wasn’t used to saying it out loud. This—everything he was about to say—was always something he had kept locked up tight inside of him. It felt strange to be talking about it with someone else. It felt like he was doing something wrong.

“So,” Leah prodded him with her finger, “If you’re going to get all ‘it’s simple’ on me about Embry, then why are you being difficult about Al?”

Seth turned to glare at her, causing Leah to sigh in frustration.

“What makes you think I’m the one being difficult?” he asked.

“It’s not like I’m placing the blame solely on you here, Seth. Both of you are being difficult.”

Seth grumbled under his breath. “No more than you or Embry.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Leah asked him. There was real confusion in her voice. She didn’t know. “How is Embry being stubborn?”

Seth sighed. While he felt she had a certain right to know, he didn’t want to have to spell it out for her. Not when she should have been able to figure it out for herself.

“He likes you. Obviously,” Seth stated matter-of-factly. “Embry’s liked you for ages, Leah. Since before you developed feelings for him even. Everyone knows it. They have for a long time. It used to be a bigger thing before the two of us started phasing. That’s why he became so good at controlling his thoughts. I assume so at least. He didn’t want you to know.”

There was a panicked look in Leah’s eyes. She inched away from Seth as if recoiling from something terrifying.

“How do you know all of this?”

Seth shook his head, closing his eyes in exasperation. Of course he knew about it. Even Leah should have realized. It was one of the worst kept secrets among the wolves. Right up there with Seth’s own sexuality before he came out.

“Everyone knows it,” he told her. He felt bad about breaking such news when it appeared to cause her distress. “The guys still tease him about it behind your back. It created a lot of tension between him and Sam when he first phased. Back when all of that was still fresh, you know? I didn’t know about it at first either since it stopped when we phased, but I picked up on the guys’ jokes eventually. They don’t even bother hiding it from me now that they realized I wasn’t going to blab to you.”

“Yeah, thanks for keeping me up to speed.”

Seth shrugged. He’d always known she would react like this if he talked about it, and it had felt unnecessary. He couldn’t be angry at himself for not bringing it up.

“I figured you’d make a big deal of it at the time. When you didn’t like Embry, I mean. It didn’t seem fair to sic you on him. Then, once you started liking him, I figured you two could work your shit out on your own. Apparently, I was wrong.

“Say what you want about me and Al, but at least we’re not oblivious. I know what he’s thinking, and he knows what I’m thinking. It’s just more complicated than that.”

Leah didn’t answer him right away. She stared up at the ceiling as if she were looking at the night sky. There was a pensive look on her face.

“Maybe we’re doomed,” she said, trying and failing to make it sound like a joke. “Both of us are going to screw up forever.”

She’d hit the nail on the head as far as Seth’s own thoughts were concerned.

“I probably am,” he responded darkly.

He saw Leah look at him from the edge of his vision, and he knew she was doing that thing where she tried to figure out what he was thinking.

“You turned seventeen today, Seth. You’re supposed to feel like your entire life is doomed, but it’ll get better.”

Seth scoffed. “Everyone pulls the ‘it gets better’ bullshit. Maybe it will, but it seems just as likely that it won’t. Either way, it doesn’t matter because right now is complete shit.”

“Yeah, I guess,” Leah said with a sigh. “Are you going to tell me what happened between you and Al anyway? Because I still don’t get it. You said you both know about each other’s feelings, so what is the problem?”

Seth was silent for a moment, thinking about how to respond. It would have been easy for him to get angry, to yell, but he didn’t feel like he had the energy for that anymore. He’d used up too much of it being angry at Al to unleash it on Leah. And he did want her to understand. She’d never do that unless he told her.

“I think you know bits and pieces of most of it. I told you the stuff about us knowing about each other before we came out and how I realized I liked him. But then he was such an ass when I came out to everyone without him, and I don’t know if I can forgive him for that.”

“It’s been months, Seth. I think you can work on it. Hell, I forgave Sam and Emily. Surely you can forgive Al.”

“Have you though?”

He could tell that he’d managed to throw her off guard. She gaped at him, unable to come up with a response. Seth continued before she’d regained her composure, feeling like he may have stumbled upon a way to make her understand why it was difficult for him to forgive Al. It was the first time he realized that his and Leah’s similarities might go beyond their terrible luck with relationships.

“I know you have mostly, but you still don’t talk to them much. You’re only ever with them when the entire pack is together. Emily used to be your best friend, but now she’s like this person who you get along with well enough, but you don’t choose to spend time with her. You’re even more distant with Sam, and you thought you were going to marry him.

“You forgave them mostly, but it didn’t fix everything. You can’t fix everything. I’ve forgiven Al too. We’re not, like, actively fighting or anything like we were before. But can I be with him when he acted like such a shithead?”

Instead of responding with words, Leah reached out to loop her arm around Seth’s, tugging him towards her. Seth stiffened but let himself be pulled into her side. It was remarkably similar to how he and Al used to sit.

“Seth, if you’re holding out for someone who’s never a shithead, then I think you’re going to be waiting an eternity.”

He groaned. “I know. I do. This just feels different. We both felt the same way, and then he said all that stuff. It bothers me when I think about it. I don’t know if I can get past it, and I should be able to get past it if I were going to date him, right?”

“God, I wish I had an answer to that. You should know better than to come to me for relationship advice.”

Seth laughed, knowing that she was right. He did know better. Leah was the last person he would ask for advice from. However, she was still his sister, and he didn’t think sulking with her about their shared misery was that bad. In some ways, it was nice.

“I’m not sure though,” Leah continued. “The words may still hurt, but maybe what’s more important is if Al still hurts you? Like, if I think too much about what happened between me and Emily, then it hurts. But seeing her and talking to her now doesn’t feel the same way. It’s not like it used to be, but it’s not painful.

“Forgiving people doesn’t mean that what they did no longer hurts you, I don’t think. It just means trusting them to learn from it and not make the mistake again. Do you think Al has?”

That was a difficult question, one that Seth wasn’t sure he could answer. He didn’t try to think too much about what Al thought. He was too scared that he wouldn’t like what he discovered. In some ways, it was safer the less Seth knew about what Al thought of him and everything that had happened.

“I don’t know,” he told Leah. “I’ve been too scared to talk to him to find out.”

Leah nodded and shoved Seth playfully. “I guess that means you know your next step.”

Seth shook his head in exasperation, but there was also a fond smile on his lips. Somehow, Leah had helped him feel better.

“You know yours too, you know?” Seth tried to make his voice sound stern, like he was scolding her for not following her own advice.

Seth tried to bite back a smile when Leah glared at him.

“No,” she insisted, “I don’t, but I assume you’re going to tell me it’s admitting my feelings to Embry.”

“Obviously. You can’t sit here and tell me to work things out with Al if you’re not going to make any effort with Embry.”

“I can because they’re two different situations. You know Al likes you, right?” Seth blushed but didn’t try to argue with her. He could be pretty sure that Al liked him at least a little bit. Hence the previous kissing. “You can try to convince me that Embry likes me all you want, but I don’t believe you. Telling you to make it work with a guy you like who you know likes you back is different than me saying anything to a guy who may or may not like me.”

“There’s no ‘may or may not.’ He does,” Seth muttered more to himself in annoyance at how thick Leah was being. Then he spoke louder, changing the subject away from the dead end that was convincing Leah to admit her feelings to Embry. “I do want to work things out with Al, and I will. It just scares me, so I haven’t.”

“You can’t live life scared,” Leah said.

“And I don’t want to,” Seth said, choosing to ignore Leah’s intended sarcasm. “That’s why I’m going to do what you want me to do,” he admitted. It had been a long time coming, and he couldn’t pretend like he would never speak to Al again. Not when being distant from him was so difficult. “Soon, hopefully. I want you to try and make yourself happy too.”

Leah looked at him in surprise, tears beginning to shine in her eyes.

“Seth, I am trying to make myself happy.” She pleaded with him to understand. “I’ve been trying for years.”

Seth’s gaze softened as he looked at her and the way she looked like she was in pain. “I know you are, sis. In a lot of ways. I just think this is one area where you’re holding out. You’re not letting yourself try. You could be happy if you and Embry opened up to each other.”

She offered him a small smile that wasn’t convincing.

“Maybe.”

Seth let it go at that. He wanted to push Leah towards happiness, but he couldn’t drag her kicking and screaming. He also couldn’t bear to keep being the cause of that pained expression she wore.

After everything that had been said between them, Seth realized that he could benefit from following Leah’s advice. He needed to talk to Al sooner rather than later. No one was benefiting from their continued silence.


	23. Chapter 23

Knowing what you had to do and actually doing it were two different things. At the beginning of the year, Seth had held every intention of ending his and Al’s silence. He really had.

But he’d blinked and it was February, again and it was March. Time slipped away from him, and he had hardly said more than a handful of words to Al. He could count how many times he had heard Al’s voice since the turn of the new year. Sometimes he wondered if his memories of Al speaking were accurate. What if his voice had dropped even more and sounded different these days? Seth wouldn’t know about something that was crucial to Al’s very being.

He thought about it a lot, stressed about it, yet he didn’t do anything. Instead, his mind was always excellent at rationalizing why he should put it off. Just until the immediate future.

The future never came.

Seth wanted to contribute some of the problem to the fact that they were rarely in the same place.

A few glances in the hallway weren’t much, and nothing Seth wanted to say could be said there. Al disappeared after school. Seth didn’t know how he did it so effectively, but he’d be gone again until the next morning. Seth wasn’t sure if he could have found him even if he’d put in more effort.

They didn’t patrol together. Everyone knew not to force them to be around each other.

The only time Seth saw Al was when the other guys were around, which was not the right time for them to talk.

During those times, they maintained a polite distance. And by polite, Seth meant that they stayed as far away from each other as they could without it looking strange to the others. 

Each time Seth glanced at Al from across a room or bonfire or hallway, he daydreamed about what it would be like to bridge the gap. It would be on his mind for days after the moment. He’d relive everything he could have done differently, and most of the time, the ending in his head was inconceivable in real life.

That knowledge—the knowledge that real life might never match up to Seth’s dreams—played a huge role in his continued avoidance.

It wasn’t like Seth was alone in it. As far as he could tell, Al wasn’t trying at to speak to him. He was the one who disappeared so quickly after school. He had played as big of a role in this as Seth. Sometimes Seth managed to forget that because he was too busy beating himself up over it, but it was oddly comforting when he did think of it.

When Emily went into labor after nine long months of anticipation, Seth had expected Al to show up at the hospital to see the baby. He hadn’t expected him to show up before the baby was born.

This was the first birth in the family that Seth could remember other than Claire’s, and back then, Seth had been left at home with his dad while Sue drove up to Neah Bay with Leah in tow. This time, he was older and more was expected of him. Having him there was enough of a priority for his mom to pull him out of school for the day, which she never did lightly.

He wasn’t sure why he needed to be there. He’d had one conversation with Sam and Emily when he’d first gotten to the hospital, but since then, he’d sat in the hallway with Leah, not having a clue what was happening down the hall. All he could imagine was that it was something like the stuff he’d seen on television. He didn’t have anything else to compare it to.

It was long and boring. None of the guys would want to sit through it, and because of that, Seth didn’t expect any of them to show up until after the actual birth.

Well, except for Embry, who had shown up earlier and was trying to pretend that it wasn’t for Leah’s sake. (Leah, amazingly, seemed oblivious to his motives, even as Seth shot Embry mocking looks that Embry ignored.)

Seth hadn’t thought about someone bringing Simone. Truthfully, Seth forgot half the time that Sam and Emily had taken in Sam’s half sister. He always felt out of the loop these days because of how little he paid attention to what was going on around him.

Even so, he didn’t get why the toddler needed to be here to sit around at the hospital. He would have questioned it if it weren’t Al who walked in holding Simone’s hand.

Al’s eyes found Seth the second he’d come into view. He didn’t look at Simone as she dropped his hand, sat down on the floor, and began coloring at Embry’s feet. Seth watched her to avoid Al’s gaze. Over the course of Simone’s time in La Push, Seth had never heard her speak. He understood that she was a quiet child, but he also felt a twinge of regret that he hadn’t gotten to know her like he should have.

Someone sat down in the empty chair beside Seth, and Seth jumped. He knew it was Al without looking. Al was the only one who’d been standing, and suddenly, Seth was enveloped in the smell of Al. That familiar scent that he’d tried over and over again to forget, but the one that instantly brought back countless memories.

This was the closest they’d been in months. Seth couldn’t remember how he had survived this proximity in the past, and this was when they weren’t touching. How had he made it through having Al’s lips on his? He tried to push the thought away, feeling it heat up his cheeks. Instead, he focused on keeping his face neutral, not showing how powerful of an effect Al sitting down had had on him.

It didn’t work, but he had to try. Now was not the time for wondering what it meant. Al still hadn’t spoken to him. Nothing would get better until they talked. It didn’t matter how close Al got to him physically. That didn’t help. It just drove Seth crazy.

Seth wasn’t sure how long it had been before Sue came hurrying around the corner. It felt like it had been years of torture. Seth looked up at his mom, eager for her to talk if only because it would break the silence that had allowed Seth’s thoughts to run wild.

“They let me off early,” Sue explained. She was in the scrubs she’d been working in. Seth could see her analyzing each of them. He had never dared talk to his mom about his feelings. He doubted Leah had either, yet looking at her now, Seth knew she’d figured everything out for herself. “Have you heard anything?” she asked.

Leah and Embry both shook their heads in a silent answer to her question.

“I’m going to see if I can find Andrew,” Sue said, “and ask him what he knows.”

She’d be able to get information out of the staff. Stuff that they never would have told them otherwise. Sue had worked here for years. She’d know everyone dealing with Sam and Emily by name, and they’d know her well enough to answer any questions she posed.

“The baby’s slow,” Simone whined from her spot on the floor.

She had no idea what “slow” meant after sitting there for a fraction of the time Seth had been. Only now did he feel this overwhelming urge to flee. He knew that nothing he did could make the baby come faster, but he was itching to do something, knowing that the sooner the baby came, the sooner he could escape Al.

“It is,” Seth told her. She looked up at him with startled eyes. It might have been the first time Seth had said anything to her, and he remembered that she’d been rather fearful of everyone when she first arrived. Sam and Emily had struggled to gain her trust. She watched Seth, not showing any signs of fear as much as she did wariness.

“It can’t be that much longer,” Embry said.

Mark, Claire’s father, spoke up at that. “Sasha was at the hospital for twenty-four hours before she had Claire.”

There was pity in his tone as he broke the news. Despite how long they’d been here, it wasn’t close to twenty-four hours. Seth groaned, leaning back in his chair to stare up at the ceiling in frustration. If he had to sit there with Al beside him for that long, he’d lose it before the baby arrived.

“Don’t you have homework you could be doing?” Leah asked him. She watched him with thinly veiled amusement, knowing what had him that riled up. Seth shook his head, sitting back up in his chair.

“I got pulled out of second period,” he reminded her. ”I wasn’t there long enough to get anything. For the first time in my life, I wish I had though. I’m going to have all the make up work tomorrow when I don’t want to do it instead of now when I might as well be doing it. There’s nothing better to do.”

Seth watched her eyes flicker to Al, whose gaze Seth could sense on him. No doubt she was thinking of ways she thought Seth could best use his time. That wasn’t going to happen. Not in a hospital. That was the worst place to have that conversation with Al.

“Do you have anything you should be doing?” Leah asked Al. There was a motherly tone to her voice that Seth didn’t think she realized was there. It sounded like she was scolding him for putting off his homework.

Al tore his eyes away from Seth to glance guiltily at Leah. “Yes,” he admitted. “But I’ll have plenty of time later.”

Leah didn’t question him further, although Seth could see the temptation on her face. There was this invisible line Leah drew for herself when it came to showing how much she cared. Getting on to Al more would cross it. Seeing Leah navigate how she acted with the younger members of the pack was always like watching someone on a tightrope. Whenever she began to act too motherly, she’d always chalk it up to being one of her duties as beta, never wanting to admit that she cared.

Sue came back around the corner, drawing everyone’s attention to her without saying a word Simone ran up to her before anyone could open their mouths to speak.

“Aunt Sue.” She reached up in a request to be held, and Sue picked her up without a second thought. “Did the baby not wanna come?”

Sue laughed, patting Simone on the back. “The baby’s coming, sweetheart. She doesn’t have much of a choice.” She turned to the rest of the group to give the grown up explanation. “She was ten centimeters when I got back there. They’ll be coming out to tell us the baby’s here any minute now.”

Rachel muttered, “Thank God,” under her breath. Simone squirmed out of Sue’s grip to go back to her toys, looking cheerful after being reassured that she would get to see the baby soon. Everyone else exhaled sighs of relief too. They’d been there too long. Beside him, Seth could feel Al’s relief.

But it took a long time before anything more happened. Seth had given up hope and was about to accuse his mom of lying before Kim came around the corner, smiling widely.

“She’s here.” Kim bobbed up and down on her toes as she spoke. “Cynthia Chloe Uley. Eight pounds, four ounces.”

Simone pounced on Kim as if she had supernatural reflexes herself.

“Baby!” she exclaimed loudly.

“Baby,” Kim agreed, smiling down at the girl. “Do you want to come back and see her?”

Simone nodded eagerly and took Kim’s hand. She didn’t wait for Kim as she began tugging the woman down the hallway.

“You guys can come back too if you’d like,” Kim told them before letting herself be dragged down the hallway. Everyone followed her immediately. Seth stretched, readjusting to using his legs.

He was surprised that they all went back at once without anyone coming to stop them.

Emily was propped up in bed when everyone entered, a tiny bundle snuggled in her arms. Sam was right by her side, with everyone else who’d witnessed the birth surrounding them. Simone hurried to the bed but paused once she got there, looking up at Sam and Emily with wide eyes as she waited to see what she was allowed to do. They both smiled at her, and Sam bent down to pick her up without a word, placing her on the bed next to Emily and the baby. Simone leaned in eagerly, and Sam managed to mutter, “careful,” before she reached out to touch him.

They were cute. Even in his otherwise pessimistic attitude of late, Seth would admit that. Simone looked enough like Sam that someone who didn’t know them could have mistaken her for Sam and Emily’s daughter. She might as well have been, Seth guessed, since they were raising her. Considering her age, Seth wasn’t sure how well she’d remember her biological parents when she was older.

Seth felt Al’s eyes on him.This time he chanced a glance towards the door of the hospital room where Al still stood. The rest of the room was full. They couldn’t quite fit inside, and Al had deemed himself not important enough to force himself further in. While everyone else was looking at the baby, Seth had caught Al in a glance towards him.

It was the first time they’d made eye contact in ages, and Seth’s heartbeat stuttered as they each froze. In reality, it lasted a split second, but it felt like an eternity. Seth could see turmoil in Al’s eyes, and he knew it was reflected in his own.

They needed to talk. Soon.

But Al disappeared only moments later, leaving the family members to spend time together, and Seth knew he wouldn’t be able to find him in the days that followed. He would continue to be as elusive as ever, and Seth wouldn’t be able to work up the courage to try any harder to find him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are only two chapters left. It's always so strange when a story I've been working on gets this close to the end. I'm excited for you guys to read the next chapter. It'll be up within the next week.


	24. Chapter 24

As the next week passed, Seth could feel his frustration beginning to outweigh the fear he had felt. It wasn’t that he felt better about his and Al’s chances in the long run. He still couldn’t shake the belief that they were doomed, especially after everything that had come between them so far.

At the same time, there was an increasing sense of frustration that was becoming difficult to ignore. Talking to Al could lead to heartbreak, but Seth had to do something to move out of this stagnant place they’d stumbled into. He couldn’t take it anymore.

He wasn’t sure why he had such a strong urge to approach Leah. In the past, it had always been her prodding him to open up to her. Seth had been reluctant, but he remembered how relieved he had felt in the past after conversations with Leah. He needed that again before he did what he knew he needed to do. He needed some form of approval, and Leah was the only one he could discuss it with.

“Come in,” Leah called through her bedroom door after Seth had knocked.

Seth opened the door to find Leah sprawled out on her bed, college textbooks open in front of her. He closed the door behind himself, staying up against it instead of stepping further into Leah’s room. While he knew he wanted to do this, part of him felt panicked over the idea of discussing his feelings openly.

He needed to though, he reminded himself. He took a step into the room and sat down at the foot of Leah’s bed. She watched him, pushing herself up so that she was sitting facing him. The textbooks lay forgotten between them.

“What is it?” Leah asked. There was concern in her voice, and she looked at Seth as if she already knew what topic he wanted to discuss. The way he was hesitating would have been enough to confirm it for her.

“Nothing,” he replied, trying and failing to sound casual. “Just wondering what was going on and stuff. We haven’t talked the past couple of days.”

It wasn’t so much an attempt to get out of saying what he knew he needed to as much as it was easing himself and Leah into the conversation. Alarms were going off in his head, trying to get him to extract himself from the situation. He needed to make himself comfortable before he’d ever begin to be able to talk about it.

Leah didn’t say anything, but she looked guilty. Like she knew they hadn’t talked and felt bad about it. It wasn’t the reaction Seth had been going for. It had been an easy and truthful thing to say and nothing more. In any case, Leah couldn’t take the blame for them failing to talk when Seth himself tended to get stuck in his own thoughts and forget the world.

Seth sighed and adjusted how he was sitting on the bed, feeling more comfortable after being in Leah’s presence and realizing that she wasn’t a threat.

“I patrolled with Embry today,” Seth informed her out of the blue. The entire reason he’d taken the plunge and knocked on her door.

Leah was startled by the information, starring at him with wide eyes. She knew they hadn’t had a normal, uneventful patrol. If that were the case, Seth wouldn’t have been sitting in front of her and bringing it up like this.

“He was off the entire time,” Seth continued. He watched Leah’s face, noticing the swirl of emotions in her eyes. “Kept almost running into trees.” Leah looked at him in surprise, and Seth nodded fervently. “Yes, it was that bad. It was like watching a train wreck except there was no ending. It just kept going and going.”

The distraught look on Leah’s face was enough to confirm to Seth that something had indeed happened between her and Embry. He’d suspected as much from the minute he noticed that Embry was off, but Embry was too good at concealing his thoughts for Seth’s suspicions to be confirmed. Leah couldn’t control her face as well as Embry could control his mind.

It became silent between them. Leah had pulled her textbook back into her lap, and she was flipping through the pages rapidly as if she were capable of processing anything on the page. Seth watched her, trying to discern what his next step should be. He hadn’t expected her to look this affected so early into the conversation.

“Or maybe this is the aftermath of the train wreck,” Seth continued. Leah refused to look up from her book, like that might make Seth disappear. “These two trains were supposed to travel alongside each other forever, but instead, they veered into each other and left all this damage, then shot off in different directions. Now they’re veering all over the place because they’re damaged, but both of them refuse to stop and fix everything.”

Leah blinked rapidly, tears in her eyes. Seth knew he’d hit it on the mark. He knew what Leah was doing to herself.

“That was shit, Seth.” Her voice broke as she spoke. “How the fuck would that work? Trains can’t hit each other like that without tipping over, and then they’d never keep going.”

“Not the point, Leah.”

She shrugged, looking back down at her book. She was close to the end, only having a few more pages to flip. 

“Leah,” Seth sighed. He stood up from the bed and repositioned himself so that he mirrored his sister, lounging beside her instead of across from her. It felt less confrontational this way, and maybe, just maybe, it would help her open up to him.

“You’ve got to do something,” he said. “Everyone’s noticed that something’s up with you guys. In our pack they have at least. We’re all worried even though none of us gets what’s going on.”

“You mean you’re all wondering about me and Embry the same way we all worried about you and Al for a year. And still kinda do.”

Seth rolled his eyes. Of course, Leah was trying to turn this back on him and Al to take the attention off of herself. She was trying to guilt him into backing down, but he wouldn’t. He’d realized how useless it was distancing himself from Al, and he wouldn’t let Leah continue to try the same thing with Embry.

“I want you to be happy, Leah.”

“And I’ve always wanted you to be happy too. Have you talked to Al?”

“Yesterday,” he replied instantly, a note of defensiveness in his voice. It was true. For the first time, Al had caught up to him while he walked home from school. They’d exchanged greetings and then walked along in silence. It hadn’t been much, but he had talked to Al in some capacity. “Not about that,” he relented at Leah’s sharp gaze.

“When are you going to?”

Seth sighed and buried his face in his arms.

“I’ve tried. At least I’ve actually tried. It’s just so hard to do it. I don’t know how to bring it up anymore. We used to talk easily, and yesterday there this formal feeling between us when I got him to talk to me. It feels wrong to talk about anything deeper than the weather.”

“You’ll figure it out,” Leah assured him, and Seth could tell that she meant it. Sometimes Leah’s confidence in his future caught him off guard. She was such a pessimistic person after Sam, yet she was always adamant that Seth would have nothing but good things in life. It was touching, even if he never believed her.

He knew that she thought he had a better chance at happiness than she did. Even in her darkest moments, Seth had known that she thought the universe was kinder to him than it was to her. At first, he had expected her to put herself back together and get over it with time. He still expected that, but it was taking longer than he had bargained on. For whatever reasons, Leah thought Seth was more deserving of happiness. In her mind, he was one of the few people capable of achieving it.

“I hope we do,” Seth admitted. “A lot of me thinks we’ll be fine once we deal with stuff. It took a long time for me to manage to feel that way, but it doesn’t stop me from being scared all the time that things will always be like this. For a long time, I didn’t want to admit that I liked Al like that. Then I thought there was no way we could be together because of the circumstances. Then I thought we’d both screwed up too much to fix it. Now I’ve realized none of that is true, but it’s still a struggle to know where to start fixing things.”

Leah was quiet, contemplative. Seth leaned over to push her shoulder, feeling self-conscious after his admission and wanting her to say something. Leah pushed right back, a smirk on her lips.

“I get what you’re trying to tell me, Seth, but I don’t agree with you. No matter how much you keep talking, Embry and I are different than you and Al.”

Seth shrugged. “You are in that you are you and Embry is Embry, but you’re still not in an unfixable situation. Actually, you might be better off. You could fix things faster if you did it right now, and didn’t let it get worse like Al and I did.”

“Seth, your version of fixing things would only lead to it getting worse.”

Seth frowned at her. He wished she would stop saying things that were untrue. She was going to make the same mistakes he had while believing she was in the right, and Seth was running out of ways to make her see reason.

“Leah,” he started in a pained voice.

“Seth,” she echoed, closing the back cover of her book and staring down at the words that covered it.

Seth sighed, but he did get up from the bed like he knew she was dying for him to do. For once, he felt optimistic about his own chances with Al. He’d become determined to be more aware of his possibilities of happiness than Leah was. Someday, he hoped she would make it there too.

He glanced back at her before the door to her room swung shut, taking in her frown and the way she pensively stared down at the book.

She would have to catch on eventually.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter is the last, and I'm hoping to have it up within a couple of days. I feel a bit sad saying that, but I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter and are excited to see how it ends.


	25. Chapter 25

Several days later, Seth decided to go for a walk through the woods. Not something he did often anymore. A year ago, it had been his favorite thing. He’d loved the freedom he felt exploring the woods as a wolf, being able to sense everything more acutely than he had as a child.

For the most part, he’d stopped coming around the time things had happened with Al. At first it had been because of the increased chance he would run into Al and not know what to say. Then the idea hadn’t held the same appeal as it had in the past. Few things felt as bright or appealing these days.

Today though, he felt like exploring again. He hadn’t planned to go back to the clearing when he had set out. He’d planned to get thoroughly lost and find his way back home later. Somehow, his body had sent him to the clearing instead. He hadn’t realized how familiar of a path he was following until he began to see the signs that the clearing was up ahead.

He froze in shock when he realized. He glanced around the forest as if checking to see if anyone had been around to see his embarrassing mistake. With a sigh, he stared in the direction of the clearing. It wasn’t yet in sight, but he knew it was there. Its presence weighed heavily on his mind.

Seth could go towards the clearing or away from it, but he couldn’t stand in one spot forever. He still hadn’t made a decision when his feet took the first step forward. Steadily, the clearing came into view, and Seth froze again when he noticed the person sitting there.

Al. Al under their tree. It was achingly familiar despite the fact that Seth hadn’t seen the sight in ages. Al stared at him with wide eyes, as surprised by Seth’s presence as Seth was his.

“Um, hi,” Seth said.

He felt like an intruder. Vaguely, he could recall that he was the one who had first led Al here. Maybe that should have meant he had a claim over this small patch of land, but seeing Al under their tree long after Seth had last step foot in the clearing made Seth feel like he was trespassing and invading Al’s property.

“Hi,” Al echoed in greeting, voice quivering enough that it hardly made a sound.

Seth took a step forward, encouraged by the lack of hostility in Al’s voice.

They’d reinstated their daily walks home together. Not a day had passed that they hadn’t spent those precious minutes together. These days, however, those walks were little more than walks. Few, if any, words were spoken during them. Seth knew that everything that needed to be said was weighing down any potential small talk.

None of that changed, really, whether they were in the clearing or ambling along a road, but being in this special place together felt like progress, albeit accidental progress.

“Can I…?” Seth trailed off. He reached out to motion towards the spot next to Al, but he stopped himself, hand half raised as if the motion had been too sudden.

Al offered him a slight smile and nodded. Seth watched him as he approached, noticing how nervous he looked. He kept fidgeting as Seth got closer, unable to sit still. Seth slid down the tree, sitting in the spot that shouldn’t have felt familiar after so long.

This clearing had gone through multiple transformations with the seasons since he’d last been here. So much of it was new to him: each individual flower, each animal (as far as he knew). Every living thing except the trees likely hadn’t been around last time, but it looked the same.

And Al’s presence next to him was familiar. The warmth radiating off his skin. Seth swore it felt different than the warmth of any of the other wolves. Al’s unique scent. The way he moved. All of it felt so much like Al.

At the same time, Seth was acutely aware that they weren’t touching. There hadn’t been any touching in a long time. It had become such a staple of their relationship before their falling out that even after so long it felt strange to sit close but not touch. It was like Seth could feel every movement Al made, but neither of them made any attempt to close what space remained between them.

That was still too big of a leap. Besides, Seth knew that talking was more important. It was the real distance between them, and any bridge they built towards touching would come crumbling down if the right words weren’t said.

“Happy birthday,” Seth muttered.

It was the expected sentiment, but Seth felt lucky to be able to deliver it. Despite the party that he would be attending in two days, he hadn’t been sure he would have a chance to say it to Al.

“Thank you,” Al replied softly, his head tilted downward in embarrassment.

Seth didn’t know how to tell Al that his birthday was the reason he was out here in the first place. It had gotten him in a strange, restless mood, and he’d been unable to contain himself. Being out in the woods had felt like the only escape.

He would have expected Al to be with his parents or Nick. Not alone in the clearing on today of all days. He didn’t know how to ask Al about that anymore without coming across as rude. It made him nervous thinking about why Al could have wanted to be alone today instead of with people who cared about him. Although, Seth realized, he knew nothing about what was currently going on between Al and his parents. The thought made his stomach twist.

They were quiet for a long moment, not unlike their walks, yet there was something different in the air between them. The expectation that had come to hang around them felt stronger. Like it would suffocate them soon if they didn’t act on their thoughts and worries.

It had to be today. Seth couldn’t wait any longer, and he wasn’t sure that Al could either.

“I’m really stupid,” Al whispered before Seth could speak. Seth stared at him with wide eyes, not able to believe they were beginning to have this conversation. It felt like a dream. Or maybe a nightmare. He couldn’t be sure yet.

“We both did some stupid stuff,” Seth relented. Months ago, he would have felt satisfied with hearing Al say those words. Now… “I just want to forget about it,” he told Al. “It was in the past. We were both scared as fuck obviously. We said shit we shouldn’t have. We were both stupid.”

The fear on Al’s face was replaced with a bright smile. There was a spark of an emotion that Seth wasn’t quite used to in his eyes. It reminded him of that day long ago when they had kissed.

“I was scared as fuck,” Al agreed. “And I knew you were too, so I don’t know why I did everything that I did. Insecure, I guess.”

Seth couldn’t help but snort at that. “You were insecure? There’s no way you were more insecure than I was.”

Al looked confused. “You were insecure?”

“You never noticed?” Seth’s brow furrowed. “I was terrified of everything. There was coming out and whatever, but there was also my feelings for you. You’re the only person I’ve ever liked. At least that I’ve ever met, which is the only stuff that counts. And I worked myself up way too much thinking that meant that anything between us was doomed.”

He’d been scared to admit this out loud, but it flowed easily, encouraged along by the intense way Al soaked it in.

“At first I was scared that I only liked you because you were the first guy I had a chance of being with, so I was mad at myself.” Al frowned at that. “After a while, it was obvious that I just really fucking liked you, but then I started to worry that, if you did like me back, maybe it was because I was the only guy you could date too. So I’d only be your consolation prize or something.

“I know it sounds stupid.”

“It does,” Al agreed, causing Seth’s stomach to twist into knots. But Al shifted closer, pressing his body into Seth’s. “Obviously I don’t like you just because there’s no one else. I don’t even know how that would be possible. You’re amazing.”

Seth tried not to reveal how his entire body reacted to those words.

He tried to joke. “Al, you’ve hardly spoken to me in months.”

Al laughed and leaned over to rest his head on Seth’s shoulder. It felt nice. Warm and comforting.

“We established that I’m an idiot, and that was part of it,” Al said. “I wouldn’t have done that if I didn’t like you half as much as I do. You scared me too.”

He trailed his fingers along Seth’s arm, making Seth shiver.

“How did I scare you?”

Al lifted his head and shot Seth a look that caused an intense feeling of want to surge through Seth’s body.

“You’re terrifying, Seth,” Al whispered. His face was only a fraction of an inch away from Seth’s. Seth could feel his breath on his face as he spoke. “I like you so much, and it scares me. All the stuff you said, I thought stuff like that too. Like, how stupid it was for me to like the first gay guy I know and how maybe you’d just want to be with me because I’m your only option.”

“I don’t,” Seth interjected. He needed Al to believe him with every fiber of his being.

Al grinned. “I get that now, I think. But back then I didn’t. I think part of the reason I overreacted was because I was convinced something was going to go wrong. I got caught up in my fears and didn’t stop to think that I was the one making things go wrong.”

“We were,” Seth corrected him. “I hadn’t thought about it like that, but yeah, I think I did that too. It makes sense.”

They both looked at each other for a moment. Al was so close. Seth would barely have to lean forward and their lips would brush against each other.

“Can I kiss you again?” Al asked.

Every cell in Seth’s body was on high alert. He nodded his head, and leaned in to kiss Al. It felt better than the first kiss. This time it felt like warmth and excitement and Al, but it also felt like an end and a beginning in one kiss.

Deep in Seth’s core, he knew they were both done being scared. They were ready to move forward with this, with each other.

Seth tugged Al closer, wanting him in his arms, pressed up against him. They stayed like that for ages, even once they’d finished kissing. They marvelled at the feel of each other and the knowledge that they were both taking the chance they had wanted to take all along.

_Six Months Later_

The October air had begun to get chilly, and this time, Jake hadn’t had to remind Seth to wear a jacket to ward off any questions. Still, the article of clothing felt as useless as always. He made enough of his own heat, and if he hadn’t, Al’s hand in his was warm enough.

He listened as Al talked about his team winning a basketball game in PE.

Sometimes, Seth worried. Come May he would graduate, and his and Al’s walks home from school would be a thing of the past. He still didn’t know what he would do after graduation. College had always been an abstract possibility in his head, but knowing he might be far away from Al worried him.

There were nights where he’d lie awake worrying about it.

He’d begun to frown as Al spoke. Seth noticed the way Al watched him like he’d asked a question Seth hadn’t picked up on.

“Sorry. Just thinking.”

Al smiled like he knew what had been on Seth’s mind. And he probably did. They’d talked about it. Secrets weren’t an option after what they’d put themselves through. Seth shared his deepest fears about leaving Al and Al moving on because he knew the alternative was worse, no matter how embarrassed he felt when he first voiced his feelings.

Al squeezed his hand and began leading Seth off the road and into the woods. Seth grinned. They didn’t go to the clearing most days after school. They might have made the trip once a week, although it was always where they spent a good deal of their weekends.

In the back of his mind, Seth knew he had homework he should have been doing at home, but he pushed it from his thoughts.

This was Al’s way of reminding Seth how much they cared about each other. Neither one of them could see the future. It often didn’t feel any more certain than it had a year ago. But now he could hold onto Al while they waited for it, and that made a world of difference.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope everyone enjoyed the conclusion of the story. Reminder that this story takes place during my other Twilight stories: the Forever series. This final chapter happens during the events of You and I Could Live Forever, and that story is already entirely posted. If anyone happens to have read it, then you would have gotten a pretty big clue about Seth and Al's relationship as Seth and Leah discuss the fact that the two of them are dating and happy.
> 
> Currently, I'm writing the fourth story in that series, and even though Leah's the main character, Seth and Al (but especially Seth) has an important role to play in that one. They both kind of got relegated to the background for the third one because I was writing this story and didn't want to blatantly give away how this ended. Now that that's not a problem though, anyone who reads the fourth story will see a lot more of them. I'm going to start posting it relatively soon, so look out for that if you're interested.


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